Merry Christmas From All of Us.....

photo by: Jamie Pennington

photo by: Jamie Pennington

photo by: Jamie Pennington

photo by: Jamie Pennington

photo by: Jamie Pennington

 Please do not forget this season
 To celebrate the real reason...

John 3:16 For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever should believe on him should not perish, but have everlasting life.

Luke 2:11
For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. 


From all of us, to all of you HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!

The House of Thanksgiving...

Today, was the first day in eight years of marriage that my husband and I have spent apart.  He started a new job in January, which requires him to travel out of town from time to time, and today was one of those times.  My children, both woke up in hateful moods, with snotty noses and pleas for their daddy.  My mom and I cooked thanksgiving dinner, and it was good, but I spent most of my day just wishing for two people who couldn't be there.  If I wanted to dwell on all of this negative, I could tell you that my thanksgiving was pretty crummy.  But that would defeat the whole purpose of thanksgiving, now wouldn't it.

A long time ago, our ancestors found themselves in a new country.  The weather was harsh.  Their families were becoming sick, and some even dying. They had little to eat, and they spent a lot of time trying to get their neighbors, the Indians (or what we should call the REAL Americans) to trust them.  Things were looking pretty grim.  But on this day, all those long years ago...they stopped what they were doing and entered into the house of Thanksgiving.  Despite all of their trials and tribulations, their disappointments and their failures, they recognized their blessings, and they gave thanks for them.

I am so thankful for a wonderful husband who works hard, and love me and our children.  I'm thankful for his job, and the home it allows us to have.  I'm thankful for my children, who are the best kind of chaos I never knew I wanted.  I'm thankful for a father who gave me a good example of what a husband should be, so that when it came time to choose my mate, I knew what I wanted that man to be like.  I'm thankful for my mom, who taught me to cook, clean, act, laugh, cry, forgive, love, and cherish all the days of my life. I'm thankful for a step dad who hopped into a crazy family feet first, and seems to enjoy every single minute of it. YES, I'm thankful for all of that...ALL of that and more.

So, today, I called my hubby up to tell him I love him, and wish him Happy Turkey Day before he jetted out to Cracker Barrell to have his big breakfast platter. I gave my baby girl a dose of Tylenol, and kissed my groucho baby boy and assured him his daddy would be home soon.  I cooked dinner with mom, and if I do say so myself, we made it look "Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy".  Now, I'm sitting here with my boy watching "Cars 2" while my tuckered out drama queen sleeps in her bed.  It was a good day.  So, for all of the above...and all of the not above...I enter into the house of thanksgiving.

I Am Me...

I am ready to resume the path of my destiny. To grasp what is beyond the horizon, and search out the mysteries of what I am supposed to be. I am not just a mother. I am not just a wife. I am not just a single soul in a sea of souls in a world where souls are lost and drown in the sorrows of what has slipped through their fingers. I am a woman once lost, but now found.  I am a mother, a wife, and a soul. Yes, I am all of those. But when I close my eyes...

I am a famous author on the cusp of writing the greatest novel of our time. A novel that grabs the attention of all who turn it's pages, and engulfs them in the greatest adventure they have ever imagined.

 I am a great composer, whose musical genius brings forth all of the emotions within that can bring an audience to tears.

I am the creative artist, whose hand paints a picture of a thousand words, and puts the observer right inside the place of which their eyes behold.

I am me. The only me that I can be. And some days, the me that I am desires more of herself than what she is....I soul without boundaries...a life without restraint.

The Choice, Part 2 (The First Choice)

  *This post is part 2 of a previous blog post titled "The Choice".  I've found lately that I have a whole lot of things to say about my husband. I find myself more and more in love with him everyday. Enjoy!

 I remember the day I came home with my engagement ring. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I knew with all of my heart that Daniel was the one I wanted to marry and be with for the rest of my life.

My mom, who always tried her best to keep my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds, asked me, "Are you sure he's the one? Can't you wait until after college? If he's the one, then why can't you wait until after college? Won't he still be "the one" when you graduate?"

"I don't want to wait mom. I want him now. I don't want to wait. I don't want to spend another day without belonging to him." I replied.

We married less than six months later...

There came a point shortly after our marriage began that the fairytale seemed to have ended.  I found myself feeling as though I couldn't trust him, and that the choice I had made to love him had been the wrong one. I found my heart wandering restlessly. I began to wonder what might happen if one or both of us chose to not be together any longer.  I felt a million miles away from him, and there were days when I felt I didn't even know him at all. But worst of all, I felt I was losing my best friend.

When it all came down to it...I closed my eyes and imagined myself  standing on a mountain top with the sky above me and ocean below. I imagined God standing there right beside me and he asked, "What do you need my child?"
"I need to know what the choice should be. Loving him is so frustrating and hard to do. What if I choose to love him, and he chooses not to love me back?"
To my surprise, God said, "You just love him like you promised to do on December 13, 2003, and I'll be sure to take care of the rest."
That was the day I made my first "CONSCIOUS"  choice.  I couldn't control the choice Daniel was going to make, but I could choose to keep my promise to him. To love him, and honor him, in spite of  what we were facing.

No one likes to feel rejected. I wanted very much to protect myself from that. I wanted not to be the one who laid it all on the line regardless of the outcome.  I prayed long and hard, and finally found the words to say to the man I knew I loved.  I remember standing in front of him that hot July day.  I looked into his eyes, and asked him if he still loved me.  His answer wasn't a long drawn out speech.  There was no profound show stopping answer. But he said exactly what I needed to hear.  "I will always love you."
Exactly one week later, we found out we were pregnant with Caleb. Funny how God works sometimes, huh?

Time and prayer has brought us closer since that day. Marrying young was hard, but it wasn't impossible.  I find new reasons to love him every single day. This was my choice...and I will never regret it. 

One of my favorite quotes

“I heard what you said. I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want…a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved.”
― Shana Abé

We Will Never Forget...

Everyone knows where they were on this day 10 years ago. In a classroom, at work, at the doctor, in their car, or just at home watching TV.  We all know what this day did to us, how it changed our perspective of what it was to be a citizen of this country. Most of us had never seen an attack on American soil.  It was as if someone had walked into our homes while we slept and fired a gun right into our bedrooms. It was a rude wake up call.

This night, 10 years ago, I lay in my bed for the first time feeling as though our country was not in fact untouchable.  We were capable of infiltration, and those who gave no concern for human kind would do there best to bring our nation to its knees.  Until this very day, I had never looked at the pictures of this attack. It made it too real for me. I just couldn't bare it in my heart. 

Today, I attended a services at New Haven Baptist Church. The service was to remember those who gave their lives on this day, and to honor men and women of service. Firefighters, EMTs, Police officers, and all other Rescue workers... This morning, I watched my husband dress in his fancy firefighter uniform, with his badges and his black dress shoes.  I never really thought of him in that way, but today I realized that if given a situation like that of 9/11, I know 100% that he would risk his life to help others just as any other full time fire fighter would do. As would all of his other fire fighter brothers and sisters. My heart broke for those families who lost their loved ones on this day, and  every day after from this senseless attack. What honor and bravery those men and women possessed.  What courage their families possessed in going on after they were left behind.

So today I looked at 10 years worth of pictures of a tragedy, and wept for those whose lives were lost, and those husbands, wives, children, moms, and dads who were left behind to mourn them and go on without them. 

I understand that there is speculation about these attacks.  Some people believe that there was some sort of conspiracy in the attacks, and that we weren't given all of the information. I don't know about you, but all I really need to know is that our country was attacked.  We were threatened on our own soil. Lives were lost. Children slept a little less easy. Parents worried a little more when they left their homes the next day. We were shaken, but we did not crumble. And we will never forget. We won't forget those who died, and we won't forget those who continue to fight for our country to this very day. We lived the history that our children will learn about in their text books, and their children after them. I pray that God keep his hand on our country so it never happens again

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

I'm Not Who I Was

I was driving to work one morning, when a song came on the radio. The first few bars went like this. "I wish you could see me now. I wish I could show you how, I'm not who I was." It got my mind working, and I started to think of all the people in my life who've gone on to be with Jesus. For that moment, I longed to see them again, and show them who I've become. A wife. A mother. A "Contributing member of society". Then I started to think of all of the important people in my life who have gone.

My paternal Grandfather, whom I never met. "Officially" anyway, passed  away when my dad was only 19.  My mom tells me that when I was just a little girl, I told her that a very tall man played with me in my room sometimes, and would ask me how my daddy was. Everyone liked to think it was him, coming to check up on his only granddaughter. It's more likely that I with my HUGE imagination dreamed this tall man up all on my own, but it's a neat thought.

My great grandparents (all of them) who passed away when I was just a tiny tot.

My maternal Grandfather. Who lived in Ohio, and was ill for most of my life. He passed away when I was 12. However, I do remember that he thought it was very funny that I was the only of all of his grandchildren who could hold my own when eating spicy foods. (The spicier, the better) "MY Granddaughter ain't no sissy!" He proclaim proudly. Then he'd chuckle to himself as if to say, she did get one thing from me.

My maternal Grandmother, whom I was very close to. All of my cousins swear to this very day that I was her favorite. Probably because I was the most respectful of all of them, and I listened to every single story she had to tell attentively. Even if the story was told to me 100 times, I never got tired of listening.  That lady could have written a book with the stories she had under her belt.

My cousin, Corporal Rusty Lee Washam, of the United States Marines. Killed in active duty in Iraq. I am and will always be proud of the example he set in his life. He was honorable and brave. Our last real conversation was our high school graduation day. I picked him up and we road there together that day.  I remember feeling proud of him then too, when he told me he was joining the Marines. "I'm gonna make something of myself. I want my family to be proud of me."

My two babies, whom God allowed be to carry for a short time but never hold. I know some day  I will understand why it had to be this way.

And Lastly, My dad. Whom I believe met my daughter, even though she was born almost 1 year to the day after his passing. His death changed me not for the worse, but for the better, as I learned how to be graceful in defeat. And to lean into the strength of the saviour when all hope seems to be lost.

In that moment, I wept for them all and wanted to see them again to show them the person I had become. I wanted to tell them all how their presence or rather absence in my life had shaped who I am. And then it hit me, as much as I have changed....They have changed so much more. They are with Christ. They have new bodies that aren't sick or decayed or wounded from the fight. And the bars in that song took a new meaning for me. It wasn't me who was singing to them the words of that song. Instead, in my mind, I could see each and every one of them singing to me "I wish you could see me now. I wish I could show you how, I'm not who I was..." Thank you Lord...another lesson learned. Praise His name.

 I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.

Psalms 37:25

Goldie Locks and The Three Kisses...

Since I was just a little girl, my head has always been in the clouds. A little like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, I skipped around singing to myself, and dreaming of when my prince will come. I just knew that I would find somebody to love. 

The very first boy who ever kissed me, was 5 years older than I. I knew it wouldn't last, but I wanted so badly to know how it felt to love someone. As I stared into his chocolate brown eyes, standing by the pond that summer, I decided to pretend that I was wrong. The moment was too perfect to waste. As he leaned in close to me, I puckered my lips and closed my eyes. To my surprise, I found that a kiss is a lot less closed eyes and puckered lips, and a lot more slobber and nose. (Ewww) I was the ripe old age of 11. The next day, "my prince charming" let me down easy by explaining to me that we weren't dating, just friends....with benefits.

It took me 3 years to get over the devastation.  And I didn't kiss another boy until my sophomore year of high school.

I was a little bit more prepared the second time. For one thing, he was actually my age. Also, he actually liked me, and the first time he kissed me was on the cheek. He was good to me, good to my parents, and we had a lot in common. I will always think of him as my first love, and remember him fondly.  But the first time he kissed me was absolutely laughable. He took me to see the movie U571. (about a submarine. yep, that's all I remember.) Halfway through the movie, he leaned over to kiss me. I closed my eyes, puckered my lips, and waited. Again, I was surprised to find this kiss a lot less closed eyes and puckered lips, and a lot more eyes wide open (NO KIDDING) and TEETH. I went home with a fat lip, and lied to my mom, telling her I got elbowed in the face.

Although the first kiss was terrible, the relationship was comfortable. But in the end, the truth was that we were more friends than anything else. It was fun while it lasted, but it was never meant to last. And I'm good with that.

It was all over for me the day that Daniel walked into my life. Even at 16 years old, I knew God had sent him to me. And on my 17th birthday, at a high school ballgame, in the pouring down snow, he kissed me. I closed my eyes, and said a prayer THEN puckered up. To my surprise AGAIN there was no slobber or honking nose or beety eyes looking at me or teeth. There was, however a perfect kiss with fireworks. That very moment, I never looked back. I knew right then that I had the one, the only, the perfect fit. I was so glad that it had never worked out with anyone else. When I think about it, sometimes I like to think of myself as Goldie Locks who tried all the chairs and all the porage and all the beds until she found the right one. I finally found my perfect mate, the perfect kiss, the perfect life, and I settled down and lived happily ever after.

Daniel- You are my best friend. The one. The only. There's no one like you. Never has been, never will be. I am so blessed to have you in my life, and our children are the greatest thing we have ever accomplished.  I love you.

The Promise

Carley, Caleb, and their cousin Elijah.



Two years ago today, God blessed me in a big way. I found out that I was gonna have a second bundle of joy to add to my family. This came as a huge surprise to me, because I had been told by several doctors after Caleb was born that he might be my only.  It took great prayer, fasting, and just plain hard work to get him here, and it was highly unlikely that we would be so lucky a second time, and even if we were so lucky I may not be able to carry the baby to term. 

After being told this, I set out to be happy with my tiny little family.  In the mean time my dad became ill, and it became hard to even imagine another child with everything that was happening at that time. Then dad passed on in May, and we mourned our loss, myself especially.  I cried and prayed and screamed and yelled and cried some more. For two solid months I cried myself to sleep every single night.  Then this August morning exactly two years ago, God nudged me as if to say to my heart in that still small voice of his, "Stacey, it's time to come out of the dark. Your dad is with me now, he is happy. It's time you got back to raising your family. Let this be well with your soul."

Now, I don't know about you, but it's very hard for me to let anything be well with MY soul.  It just doesn't come natural to me to put everything in the Master's hands and leave it there. I kneel down, lay my burden down, pray about it, and most of the time when I'm through I pick it right back up and take it with me.  But on this day two years ago, I said to God, "How? How are you going to bring me out of the dark?"  That morning, I drove Caleb to the babysitter, and then myself to work. I was so frantic, because the next morning we were supposed to leave for the beach. I was racing, racing, racing everywhere. I barely made it to work before I became overwhelmingly nauseated. And with a little nudging from a co-worker, and even more nudging from God, I found myself in the grocery line with an EPT in my hand. 

That day, I realized, I had come full circle.  I began my journey with a desire for a child that almost broke my heart. And God not only answered my prayer once, but with TWO little blessings. And just as my dad was leaving us, God gave us a fresh new face to love. 

God has never ceased to prove himself to me.  He has always known what is best for me, in spite of what I think that may be. And in the midst of the darkness, he shines the light.  He loves me more than I deserve, and I am so glad I have that promise that he will never leave me. Knowing this, I am sure I will never be alone. What a blessing to know, that nomatter what our lives throw at us, we have a friend that will never die, never leave us, always have time for us, and always care for us.

Carley Larryssa Bell

You've been sleeping in your own bed since the day we brought you home from the hospital. But you love to be held and cuddled and loved. You love your brother, and think he is funny. You have your Poppa Larry's left ear. Some day you will hate this about yourself because that ear kind of looks like an elf's ear, and that makes me giggle because I like to think that your Poppa asked God to give you that to let us know that even though he didn't get to see you on this earth, he still knew you and loved you.

You are very adventurous and love to explore, but some days you are very content just sitting beside me on the couch watching "Bubble Guppies". You don't giggle very often. As a matter of fact, you are very serious most of the time. You study people, and watch people. This leads me to believe that you have the gift of discernment (or will have when you reach the age of accountability and accept Christ as your saviour. And I trust you will, because I love the Lord and he promised me so.) When you do decide to laugh, it's is like a gentle melody ringing in my ears, and I could listen to it all day.

You are tender hearted and kind, and I know that you get that from your Grammy. You hurt when others hurt, you cry when others cry (literally), and you are happy when others are happy. Just like your Grammy.  In your very short life, you have taught me so much about being a mother. It's easy being a mother to you, because you are so forgiving of me and my not so perfect mothering. I see in your eyes love that has no need to be expressed. It only needs to be communicated between us two, from heart to heart, smile to smile, laugh to laugh, and hug to hug. Just like your dad and me.

My dream for you is for you to have all you desire in life, and that God bless you in all your endeavors. I hope with all that I am, that you will never give up or say "I quit". Never sell yourself short, or say "I don't think I'm worth it". Because, my baby girl, God made you in all your flaws and imperfections, and he loved you for exactly who you were gonna be. He will use whomever you become so long as you let him. And if someday, you find yourself raising a little girl or boy like I have you and your brother, I hope you realize how incredibly lucky you are. As well as realize how wonderfully lucky I was to be allowed to raise you.

He Leadeth Me...

Today, I watched an episode of the Dr. Phil show of a mother who used unusual punishment on her child. She punished her child in the following ways:

• hot sauce in the mouth for lying
• cold shower for disobeying
• locked in your room for back talking

..............this child is 5..........
After seeing this, I was in TEARS! For one thing, I was so upset that this little boy was being abused that I just wanted to reach through the television and grab the MOTHER and knock her in the head with something.

There are days when my son Caleb tries my patience in every single way. There are days when he doesn't listen to a single word out of my mouth. Some days he throws things while crying uncontrollably when I correct him for something. He says he hates me. He thinks he can "parent" my daughter. He throws the "prettiest" tantrums I have ever seen, and I promise you that any child who tried to challenge him in this area would lose. (and I am not proud of that) But honestly, there is not a single thing he could do that would make me do any of the above to him. 

Acting out is a part of growing up. It's how we learn boundaries, and if we aren't correcting our children's misbehaving, then we aren't doing our jobs.  But the number 1 job we have as parents is LOVING them. When we love them like we should, and when we seek God in our lives, all of the rest just falls into place. We make mistakes as God's children, every day. And if he punished us the way we punish our children, we might be grounded for life. But He shows us patience and mercy. So, I think I'm gonna try to do the same with my kids.

All of this has shown me that there are areas in my parenting that I could definitely improve. I'm not abusive with my children by ANY means. But some days, when I feel so very alone in my parenting, all I want to do is run away and cry my eyes out. That is the moment when I need to stop, take a deep breath, and say a prayer. Because God knows exactly who we are, and what we need and he loves me just like I love my babies. (Even when I kick and scream and cry after not getting my way.)

 Above all, I have realized that the most important thing for me to improve on is my patience with my children. They are a gift from God, not a right to have, and someday they will be gone. So from now on, I'm going to parent them by giving them my time, my love, my acceptance, and above all else, leading by example. And look to God for all of the answers. I may not be like the mother on that t.v. show, but there is always room for improvement.

Do All Dogs Go To Heaven Momma?

A few months ago, Daniel brought home a new member of the family. A boxer puppy who Caleb named Tonka. He quickly became part of the family, and even I (NOT A DOG PERSON) loved him very much. We all loved him, but it became obvious that he was Caleb's dog.
"He's my best buddy Momma, I love him!!" Caleb would say....

Yesterday evening, our puppy, Tonka was hit by a car and passed away.  Caleb didn't see. So Daniel and I sat down with him to explain what happened to Tonka. The conversation went a little something like this.

"Caleb, you know how Tonka liked to chase cars?" Daniel asked, as he held him in his lap and I sobbed in the corner.
"Yeah, Daddy, He likes to chase cars don't he. He's funny." Caleb answered.
"Well, today Tonka ran in front of a car and it hit him, and it hurt him really bad. So, Tonka died, and went to heaven." Daniel said gently.
Caleb of course began to cry, and then he asked. "Well, can we go to heaven and get him?"
"No, honey, Tonka can't go back. But we can go to him some day." I finally said.
"But I'm really gonna miss him. He was my best buddy." Caleb cried.
"I know buddy." I said.
And with that, we all cried for Tonka.

Today Caleb has had a lot of questions for me.

• Is Tonka in the sky.
• Can God send him back? Because I really wanna play with him.
• Is it dark in heaven. (To which I happily answered. "No way. Heaven is bright, and Jesus is there. Everyone is happy, and no one ever dies)
• Can we just go visit Tonka?
• When are we gonna be able to go to heaven?
• Do all dog's go to heaven?

I don't really know what the right way to handle this would have been for Caleb. I never want to lie to him. And I realize that some people would say that is exactly what I did when I told him Tonka was in heaven. The truth is, we don't know for sure what happens when our animals die. Do they just go away? Probably. But a 3 year old would not understand that, and I hope that God knows that I did the best I could with what I had.  The thing is, I mourned for Caleb's loss more than I mourned for Tonka.  He is my baby, my goal in life is to always protect him. His feelings, his life, his heart, his body, and his mind...and I will do that as best I know how.

TonkaTonk--you will be greatly missed. You were a good dog.

(Quote from the Movie Marley and Me)
 You know how we're always saying what a pain you are, you're the world's worst dog, don't believe it, don't believe it for one minute because you know we couldn't find a better dog, I love you, more than anything, you're a great dog, I love you.

My Spiritual Gift, AND FINALLY coming HOME!

(Music - The gift that gives a believer the capability to present personal witness and inspiration to others through instrumental music, singing, or dancing.

The special gift whereby the Spirit enables certain Christians to praise God through music in such a way as to enhance the worship experience of other believers. It gives the believer the desire and capability to express personal faith and provide inspiration and comfort through the playing of a musical instrument, singing, or dancing. The spiritual aspect of the gift is revealed as the gift bearer gives witness to love and praise for the Lord, and thus glorifies God. Those listening or watching become inspired to feel the presence and majesty of God when music, song, or dance uplifts their soul in a manner that brings them closer to their Lord.

People with this gift:
- sing or play a musical instrument quite well, and enjoy it
- have special joy singing praises to God, either alone or with other people
- feel secure in the fact that their musical ability will be of benefit to other people with whom they come in contact
- can use their musical ability to help and inspire others to worship God
- see that their singing or instrument playing is a spiritual encouragement for others. )
1 Samuel 16:14-23 1 Corinthians 14:26 Psalm 33:1-3 Psalm 96:1-2 

Today, I attended my second Ladies Retreat. It's where a lot of women of God, no matter where they are in their spiritual walk with Christ, get together and worship. Today I learned a lot about myself. Here are some things that I learned that I will never forget...

• God gave little ole' me a spiritual gift. And it just so happens to be "Music". Well what'dya know. I'm special...(To God anyway!) PRAISE HIS HOLY NAME!
• He cares for me. Somehow I forgot the most simple of all rules to being a child of God. All I must do is BELIEVE! It's the basis of our salvation. Why shouldn't it be the basis of our entire lives?
• I've been walking around for the last 2 years with my head down like I'd lost something. Losing my dad truly hurt me. But in my grieving, somehow I just gave up and let the devil trample all over me. WELL NOT ANY MORE! Because #1, you can't lose something that was never yours in the first place, and #2 it can't be lost if you know where it is. I know where my dad is, HEAVEN!! PRAISE GOD! Why in the WORLD have I let satan do this to me??? I am a Daughter to the MOST HIGH! NOTHING can touch me unless he says so! PRAISE GOD!

I may just be rambling to most of you, and that's okay. Because the sole purpose of this blog is to let EVERYONE know. JESUS LOVES ME. And I FORGOT! But guess what, HE WAS STILL THERE! He NEVER left me!  And to beat all he didn't just NOT leave me, HE held me! He walked with me. He waited on me, to decide when I'd had enough.
Today, I stood in that church with all those women, whose faith could have move a mountain if they'd asked it of  the Saviour. I saw the love of my Master. It was as though he were standing right before me saying, "Aren't you tired of trying to do all this alone? Don't you want my comfort? Isn't it hard trying to make all the pieces fit from way down there?"
My answer was, "Yes LORD, I'm EXHAUSTED! Help me."
And I walked the aisle of that church and got down on my knees and DROPPED that burden I'd been carrying. That sadness I'd been dragging around for so long. And I FEEL LIGHT AS A FEATHER! (Sorry the caps aren't me yelling...I'm praising GOD) HALLELUJAH!! I will blog about this in more detail in a day or two. Right now I'm so high on Jesus, that I just can't make myself do anything but praise HIM. I feel my heart might BUST! There really isn't any closing to this, except to say this
'Come to me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. (Words of my Saviour)
Praise HIS name....

Never Alone...

‎"I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time— A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)

I've been wrestling back and forth with this blog post for some time now. No one wants to drive a subject into the ground. I feel that writing this, may help me heal somehow. I've held it in, though, for a long long time now. Partly because I feel like telling this particular story sounds completely crazy, and partly because it is so incredibly personal that I can hardly bare to write it.

The day before my dad past away, I had somewhat of a selfish moment. My mom had asked me to sit with him so that she could go to work for about half a day. My husband and I were working on moving into our house, so I had planned to move our things all that morning. I was very upset to not be allowed to do this. Not just because it had put a damper on my plans, but because toward the end of my dad's life, it became harder for me to stay with him for long periods at a time. The more I was with him, the more I knew our time grew shorter.

The next morning, my dad took a fall in the hallway of my parents house. I remember hearing him fall, then calling for my mom. If I were a brave person, I would have gotten up to help them. But I became paralyzed with fear, and refused to get out of bed. I'm not sure how much time lapsed from the time he fell, and the time I actually emerged from my room, but it felt like forever.

When I finally left the room my husband and I and my oldest, Caleb, had been staying, my mom began to explain to me the events of the day. I am not going to go into detail about this, because these details are both hurtful and scary for my mom and I to relive. So, to make this story a little short I will try to tell you the most important details. That day, as my dad rested, I went on into work. My mom and papaw told me there was really nothing I could do, and not to worry.  I peaked my head into his room, and said the last words I would ever say to him. "Love you dad..."

That day my dad was rushed to Oak Ridge Hospital, and by the time I arrived, he had already been placed on life support. The next day, somewhere around 9:00 p.m. My dad was taken off of the ventilator, as he had requested by his oncologist.

I don't believe I have ever been through such a traumatic ordeal in my life. I blamed myself for not being able to say a proper goodbye. I was so wrapped up in my own day to day life. I couldn't see the one that was slipping right out of my hands. I will never get over that...

A couple of months after my dad past away I had a dream about him.

I couldn't see him, but it was like we were face to face having a conversation with one another.

"Daddy! I yelled. "I am so sorry that I was so selfish to you. I miss you so much, and I love you!"

"I love you too." he said. "Now I have to go. They are waiting for me. Bill and I are helping plan for the great battle."

"But daddy, please don't go, I'm afraid without you." I cried.

Just as I woke up, I heard him say, "Don't be afraid. I'll see you again. You are not alone."

I have dreamed of my dad since that day. But I've only seen his face, I have never heard his voice. But this particular dream has never left me. I can remember it as though it happened to me yesterday.

I won't say that my dad came to me in that dream. But I will say that MY GOD knows how to comfort even the inconsolable, and that I am not alone...

In My Daughter's Eyes...

'

The day my son, Caleb, was born was a dream come true. We had tried for so long for a baby, and the second I looked at him I knew that I had been made to be his mother. I love him with everything that I am. There is no "me" without "him".

He has such a big beautiful personality. But sometimes that personality outshines his little sister.

I found out that I was pregnant with Carley nearly 2 months after my dad passed away. It was somewhat of a surprise for my family and I because Daniel and I were married 5 years before Caleb came along, and I had a LOT of help getting him here. I had absolutely NO HELP becoming pregnant with my daughter. The day I found out I was pregnant, I knew it was a girl. My little girl.

Carley has a very quiet, sweet, peaceful personality. She's so very loving. When I look into her eyes, all I see is me... Every single emotion I have ever had in my life reflects back to me in her beautiful hazel eyes. And when she smiles at me, all the worry of the day just melts away.

When I was told that once she got here that I would find a new and different love for her than that of my son. I didn't quite understand what all of that meant. One month before she was born, I actually cried to my husband terrified that I wouldn't be able to love her as much as Caleb. I already loved him SO MUCH that it made it hard to breath at the thought of losing him. How in the world could you possibly love anyone else exactly the same without exploding from the inside out?

On May 5, 2010, at exactly 9:01 A.M., (Via C-section) Carley Larryssa Bell was born. The very second I saw her, it was as if the love bubble our family had been encased in just expanded and surrounded her too. And I fell in love with her. And at that moment, I knew I was complete. No question about it.

Carley is my little adventurer. She never gives up. I know for sure, she will be the one who escapes the crib some day. She climbs everything she can get a leg up on. She never screams, except when it's necessary. (When Caleb takes a toy, or when I am not meeting her mommy love standards) Most days she is completely content right on my hip like a little monkey, so it's a good thing she is extra small for her age. I know that throughout her life, her brother may outshine her because she is content to be in the background while he enjoys being the star of the show. (much like I did when I was his age) But I know that she will be the one who keeps it together when everyone else is falling apart. I know this because, when I look at her, I see all the best parts of her dad, me, my mom, my dad, etc. Everything I've ever hoped and prayed for is right there in my daughter's eyes.

She is my legacy.

All that I know, I am obligated to teach her.

If she fails, it means that I have failed.

When she succeeds, I will succeed.

Around and Around We Go, When We Stop, No One Knows...

One of the greatest stories in the bible to me, was the story of the man who asked Jesus what he must do to be saved. Jesus replied to him saying sell everything you own, and follow me. The man instead, went away in sorrow. He could not bear to part with any of his possessions.

This world today is no different than that man. We take pride in our possessions. We love them, and when we lose them, we mourn them as if they were a part of us. It's very hard for me to explain this, but I have felt some sort of conviction lately of the fact that I have so much and yet can still feel at times that I need more.  But things, are just that. THINGS... They don't have the power to make you happy. They can't solve your problems.

Our society today has become obsessed with possessions. Our country is one giant group of HOARDERS! It just trickles down the line from goverment, to corporations, to consumers, and it just goes on and on and on. Where it stops nobody knows. The want for all of the things that we think we need is why our country is in such great debt.

This thought hit me today as I attempted to clean my three year old's bedroom. Finally, I decided to give up and start tossing the old to make room for the new. In seeing this, my son Caleb began to yell, "MOMMY, DON'T THROW MY STUFF AWAY!!! I NEED IT!"
(Most of the stuff I was tossing, were things that he hadn't played with since he was a little baby, or even at all. ) And I thought to myselft, "What am I teaching my son?"

I own:

• 2 different sets of cookwear
• 2 different sets of plates
• countless silverwear and utensils
• right now my drier contains not 1, but 3 bottles of laundry soap. (2 of which are completely empty)
• I have hundreds of pens and pencils and paper. (and I'm not exagerating. this is an obsession I inherited from my grandmother. My mother says that my obsession eclipses hers though)
• Our children have more toys than half of scott county. 
• I have boxes and boxes of odds and ends that I can't part with simply because it was given to me by someone who loved me or whom I have loved.
• I have clothes ranging from size 12-my current size because someday I WILL get back into that nice pair of jeans...

I could go on and on and on, but you get the point.

Somehow, we manage to become attached to the things we have so much so, that they tend overwhelm us. Maybe it's because there is a memory attached to them, or maybe it's the enjoyment we get from owning them. In any case, it's ashame that our things sometimes mean more to us than the things that are truly important. The ones in our lives who should be celebrated, loved, and missed when they leave us.

It is my goal from henceforth, to be less motivated by things, and more motivated by self worth, and those whom I love.

Matthew 19:21 and 22
Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven. and come and follow me. But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful, for he had great posessions.

God forgive us for forgetting what is really important...