Saturday, July 23, 2011

My Spiritual Gift, AND FINALLY coming HOME!

(Music - The gift that gives a believer the capability to present personal witness and inspiration to others through instrumental music, singing, or dancing.

The special gift whereby the Spirit enables certain Christians to praise God through music in such a way as to enhance the worship experience of other believers. It gives the believer the desire and capability to express personal faith and provide inspiration and comfort through the playing of a musical instrument, singing, or dancing. The spiritual aspect of the gift is revealed as the gift bearer gives witness to love and praise for the Lord, and thus glorifies God. Those listening or watching become inspired to feel the presence and majesty of God when music, song, or dance uplifts their soul in a manner that brings them closer to their Lord.

People with this gift:
- sing or play a musical instrument quite well, and enjoy it
- have special joy singing praises to God, either alone or with other people
- feel secure in the fact that their musical ability will be of benefit to other people with whom they come in contact
- can use their musical ability to help and inspire others to worship God
- see that their singing or instrument playing is a spiritual encouragement for others. )
1 Samuel 16:14-23 1 Corinthians 14:26 Psalm 33:1-3 Psalm 96:1-2 

Today, I attended my second Ladies Retreat. It's where a lot of women of God, no matter where they are in their spiritual walk with Christ, get together and worship. Today I learned a lot about myself. Here are some things that I learned that I will never forget...
  • God gave little ole' me a spiritual gift. And it just so happens to be "Music". Well what'dya know. I'm special...(To God anyway!) PRAISE HIS HOLY NAME!
  • He cares for me. Somehow I forgot the most simple of all rules to being a child of God. All I must do is BELIEVE! It's the basis of our salvation. Why shouldn't it be the basis of our entire lives?
  • I've been walking around for the last 2 years with my head down like I'd lost something. Losing my dad truly hurt me. But in my grieving, somehow I just gave up and let the devil trample all over me. WELL NOT ANY MORE! Because #1, you can't lose something that was never yours in the first place, and #2 it can't be lost if you know where it is. I know where my dad is, HEAVEN!! PRAISE GOD! Why in the WORLD have I let satan do this to me??? I am a Daughter to the MOST HIGH! NOTHING can touch me unless he says so! PRAISE GOD!
I may just be rambling to most of you, and that's okay. Because the sole purpose of this blog is to let EVERYONE know. JESUS LOVES ME. And I FORGOT! But guess what, HE WAS STILL THERE! He NEVER left me!  And to beat all he didn't just NOT leave me, HE held me! He walked with me. He waited on me, to decide when I'd had enough.
Today, I stood in that church with all those women, whose faith could have move a mountain if they'd asked it of  the Saviour. I saw the love of my Master. It was as though he were standing right before me saying, "Aren't you tired of trying to do all this alone? Don't you want my comfort? Isn't it hard trying to make all the pieces fit from way down there?"
My answer was, "Yes LORD, I'm EXHAUSTED! Help me."
And I walked the aisle of that church and got down on my knees and DROPPED that burden I'd been carrying. That sadness I'd been dragging around for so long. And I FEEL LIGHT AS A FEATHER! (Sorry the caps aren't me yelling...I'm praising GOD) HALLELUJAH!! I will blog about this in more detail in a day or two. Right now I'm so high on Jesus, that I just can't make myself do anything but praise HIM. I feel my heart might BUST! There really isn't any closing to this, except to say this
'Come to me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. (Words of my Saviour)
Praise HIS name....

Monday, July 18, 2011

Never Alone...

‎"I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time— A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)
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I've been wrestling back and forth with this blog post for some time now. No one wants to drive a subject into the ground. I feel that writing this, may help me heal somehow. I've held it in, though, for a long long time now. Partly because I feel like telling this particular story sounds completely crazy, and partly because it is so incredibly personal that I can hardly bare to write it.

The day before my dad past away, I had somewhat of a selfish moment. My mom had asked me to sit with him so that she could go to work for about half a day. My husband and I were working on moving into our house, so I had planned to move our things all that morning. I was very upset to not be allowed to do this. Not just because it had put a damper on my plans, but because toward the end of my dad's life, it became harder for me to stay with him for long periods at a time. The more I was with him, the more I knew our time grew shorter.

The next morning, my dad took a fall in the hallway of my parents house. I remember hearing him fall, then calling for my mom. If I were a brave person, I would have gotten up to help them. But I became paralyzed with fear, and refused to get out of bed. I'm not sure how much time lapsed from the time he fell, and the time I actually emerged from my room, but it felt like forever.

When I finally left the room my husband and I and my oldest, Caleb, had been staying, my mom began to explain to me the events of the day. I am not going to go into detail about this, because these details are both hurtful and scary for my mom and I to relive. So, to make this story a little short I will try to tell you the most important details. That day, as my dad rested, I went on into work. My mom and papaw told me there was really nothing I could do, and not to worry.  I peaked my head into his room, and said the last words I would ever say to him. "Love you dad..."

That day my dad was rushed to Oak Ridge Hospital, and by the time I arrived, he had already been placed on life support. The next day, somewhere around 9:00 p.m. My dad was taken off of the ventilator, as he had requested by his oncologist.

I don't believe I have ever been through such a traumatic ordeal in my life. I blamed myself for not being able to say a proper goodbye. I was so wrapped up in my own day to day life. I couldn't see the one that was slipping right out of my hands. I will never get over that...

A couple of months after my dad past away I had a dream about him.
I couldn't see him, but it was like we were face to face having a conversation with one another.
"Daddy! I yelled. "I am so sorry that I was so selfish to you. I miss you so much, and I love you!"
"I love you too." he said. "Now I have to go. They are waiting for me. Bill and I are helping plan for the great battle."
"But daddy, please don't go, I'm afraid without you." I cried.
Just as I woke up, I heard him say, "Don't be afraid. I'll see you again. You are not alone."

I have dreamed of my dad since that day. But I've only seen his face, I have never heard his voice. But this particular dream has never left me. I can remember it as though it happened to me yesterday.
I won't say that my dad came to me in that dream. But I will say that MY GOD knows how to comfort even the inconsolable, and that I am not alone...

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

In My Daughter's Eyes...

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The day my son, Caleb, was born was a dream come true. We had tried for so long for a baby, and the second I looked at him I knew that I had been made to be his mother. I love him with everything that I am. There is no "me" without "him".
He has such a big beautiful personality. But sometimes that personality outshines his little sister.

I found out that I was pregnant with Carley nearly 2 months after my dad passed away. It was somewhat of a surprise for my family and I because Daniel and I were married 5 years before Caleb came along, and I had a LOT of help getting him here. I had absolutely NO HELP becoming pregnant with my daughter. The day I found out I was pregnant, I knew it was a girl. My little girl.

Carley has a very quiet, sweet, peaceful personality. She's so very loving. When I look into her eyes, all I see is me... Every single emotion I have ever had in my life reflects back to me in her beautiful hazel eyes. And when she smiles at me, all the worry of the day just melts away.

When I was told that once she got here that I would find a new and different love for her than that of my son. I didn't quite understand what all of that meant. One month before she was born, I actually cried to my husband terrified that I wouldn't be able to love her as much as Caleb. I already loved him SO MUCH that it made it hard to breath at the thought of losing him. How in the world could you possibly love anyone else exactly the same without exploding from the inside out?

On May 5, 2010, at exactly 9:01 A.M., (Via C-section) Carley Larryssa Bell was born. The very second I saw her, it was as if the love bubble our family had been encased in just expanded and surrounded her too. And I fell in love with her. And at that moment, I knew I was complete. No question about it.

Carley is my little adventurer. She never gives up. I know for sure, she will be the one who escapes the crib some day. She climbs everything she can get a leg up on. She never screams, except when it's necessary. (When Caleb takes a toy, or when I am not meeting her mommy love standards) Most days she is completely content right on my hip like a little monkey, so it's a good thing she is extra small for her age. I know that throughout her life, her brother may outshine her because she is content to be in the background while he enjoys being the star of the show. (much like I did when I was his age) But I know that she will be the one who keeps it together when everyone else is falling apart. I know this because, when I look at her, I see all the best parts of her dad, me, my mom, my dad, etc. Everything I've ever hoped and prayed for is right there in my daughter's eyes.
She is my legacy.
All that I know, I am obligated to teach her.
If she fails, it means that I have failed.
When she succeeds, I will succeed.


Monday, July 11, 2011

Around and Around We Go, When We Stop, No One Knows...


One of the greatest stories in the bible to me, was the story of the man who asked Jesus what he must do to be saved. Jesus replied to him saying sell everything you own, and follow me. The man instead, went away in sorrow. He could not bear to part with any of his possessions.
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This world today is no different than that man. We take pride in our possessions. We love them, and when we lose them, we mourn them as if they were a part of us. It's very hard for me to explain this, but I have felt some sort of conviction lately of the fact that I have so much and yet can still feel at times that I need more.  But things, are just that. THINGS... They don't have the power to make you happy. They can't solve your problems.

Our society today has become obsessed with possessions. Our country is one giant group of HOARDERS! It just trickles down the line from goverment, to corporations, to consumers, and it just goes on and on and on. Where it stops nobody knows. The want for all of the things that we think we need is why our country is in such great debt.

This thought hit me today as I attempted to clean my three year old's bedroom. Finally, I decided to give up and start tossing the old to make room for the new. In seeing this, my son Caleb began to yell, "MOMMY, DON'T THROW MY STUFF AWAY!!! I NEED IT!"
(Most of the stuff I was tossing, were things that he hadn't played with since he was a little baby, or even at all. ) And I thought to myselft, "What am I teaching my son?"

I own:
  • 2 different sets of cookwear
  • 2 different sets of plates
  • countless silverwear and utensils
  • right now my drier contains not 1, but 3 bottles of laundry soap. (2 of which are completely empty)
  • I have hundreds of pens and pencils and paper. (and I'm not exagerating. this is an obsession I inherited from my grandmother. My mother says that my obsession eclipses hers though)
  • Our children have more toys than half of scott county. 
  • I have boxes and boxes of odds and ends that I can't part with simply because it was given to me by someone who loved me or whom I have loved.
  • I have clothes ranging from size 12-my current size because someday I WILL get back into that nice pair of jeans...
I could go on and on and on, but you get the point.

Somehow, we manage to become attached to the things we have so much so, that they tend overwhelm us. Maybe it's because there is a memory attached to them, or maybe it's the enjoyment we get from owning them. In any case, it's ashame that our things sometimes mean more to us than the things that are truly important. The ones in our lives who should be celebrated, loved, and missed when they leave us.

It is my goal from henceforth, to be less motivated by things, and more motivated by self worth, and those whom I love.

Matthew 19:21 and 22
Jesus said unto him, If thou wilt be perfect, go and sell that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have treasure in heaven. and come and follow me. But when the young man heard that saying, he went away sorrowful, for he had great posessions.

God forgive us for forgetting what is really important...

Friday, July 8, 2011

It's Friendship...



'When I think of who I am today. I think of all the things that brought me to who I am, and I wonder...If all of this had not befallen me, would I still be the person I am today? The truth is, we are all shaped by our circumstances,by those that we meet. Those who love us, and those who despise us. We all become who it is we find most acceptable in ourselves. We all learn from what harms us, helps us, makes us, and breaks us.  We all change...'


When I was in grade school a girl named Lorie befriended me. She was the best friend that anyone could possibly ask for. She never asked anything of me, except that I be her friend. She accepted who I was, and I knew that would never change. We became so close, that I actually thought of her as the sister I'd always wanted, but never got the opportunity to have.

We spend countless hours doing things that best friends do. I spent hours at her house, and she at mine. We always vowed to be best friends, no matter what life threw at us. No matter who we became. Even in growing up, and starting families of our own, we would still be the best of friends. (As I write this sentence, the theme song from "Fox and Hound" plays happily in my mind, what a dork I am)

When Lorie and I got to high school. We, or shall I say, I let a boy get in the way of our friendship, and for a little while we lost each other. We didn't speak for the better part of three years. That was a very dark time in my life, because even then the friends that I had could not compare to the one that I had lost. They didn't know me as she did, and they didn't understand me the way she could.

As always, the boys come and the boys go, and this boy turned out to be a toad. (And we all know that I hate frogs...) But friendships, no matter how broken they may be, eventually mend and begin again.
Our senior year, Lorie and I put the scars of the past behind us. However, things were never the same as before. When we graduated, and began our lives, we lost touch with one another. But we always seemed to make it into the very important parts of each others lives.

The night before I was to be married, she showed up on my door step with a celebratory cheesecake (wink-wink) and pronounced that this was my bachalorette party. We spent the evening with friends driving around town, shopping, and ate dinner at McDonald's. Very high class. The next day, Lorie was at my wedding, supporting me, even though she wasn't my chosen maid of honor. (worst mistake I've ever made). I likewise made it to her wedding, and even helped her with all of her bridal shower details.
She has been present at each great moment in my life, as well as all of the bad. She was my main source of strength when my dad died. And she has always been a shoulder to cry on when one is needed.

I am so thankful that God allowed us to find our friendship again after losing each other all those long years ago. Our children have become friends, and I so look forward to the day when they can value one another the way I value my dear friend. I only hope she knows how truly precious our friendship is to me, and how lucky I feel that I am to have found her.