Sunday, July 21, 2013

A Day With My Grandma...


When I was just a little girl, I prayed a prayer for you.  I asked God to never let you die, because I would miss you if you ever left me.  I loved you so very much, and I couldn't bear the thought of not having you around.  I'm not sure why God never let me forget that little prayer I prayed for you that day, but he didn't.  And now that you're old and your mind is betraying you, and I feel a great sense of despair that my prayer has caused you pain somehow.

Your life has been so full of trouble.  You have watched so many people that you love go before you.  Your parents, your infant child, your first husband, your siblings, and then dad...Your heart has been broken with every passing, and yet it beats on within your body.  And now I can see how you feel trapped within it.

"If I could just get out of this place, and leave!" You say. "If I could just get well!"
"I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes!", "I don't know why God doesn't just take me. I wish I could just die"

But then you look at me with sad, confused eyes, and ask me where your mom went.  You wonder why my dad hasn't visited today.  Then you point out he must be busy working.  Surely he would come if he weren't working.

You cry to me like never before.  You refuse food.  You hope to die....and yet you live.

And I ask myself, "Why?  Why has God allowed your mind to be stolen away from you like this?"
Because, I can handle sickness.  I have stared death right in the eyes, and haven't even flinched as I watch a life drift into eternity.  I know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that beyond this there is more.  I can handle death...although begrudgingly...I handle death.  I understand it. I could accept it.  A necessary means to an end. It would hurt me, but I could grieve.

But I can't understand this...
I can't fight this for you.
I can't watch you be stolen from me piece by piece...minute by minute...
I don't know how to help you.
So I just sit here with you.
Silently watching you.
Staring into your eyes.
Watching you stare back into mine.
Knowing that this is all I can do.

Tears roll down your face as you look into my eyes.
"I just want to go home."
I hear the desperation in your voice.
 "I just pray sometimes, to go home."
And suddenly I'm praying too...
For your mind to find clarity.
For your heart to be unbroken.
For you to get to go home.


 



Friday, July 5, 2013

Fireman's 4th of July Festival

It rained yesterday, but that didn't stop my little family from enjoying our day. Here are some great pictures of the Fireman's 4th Festival!!
This was actually July 3rd, during the firemen's competition. I missed most of it because I had to work.  But I did catch the part where my husband, Daniel, and his brothers pulled their firetruck across a parking lot. FOR FUN!!! (Weirdos) That's my man in the middle.  He's SO MANLY! 


Despite the rain, the parade went on as scheduled.  Although it was a little wet and chilly, the kids seemed to have lots of fun.



My husband's on the fire department, but some how he ended up riding the train with the kiddos.  You take the conductor out of the rail road, but ya can't take the rail road outta the conductor I suppose. 

The funny part is how he seems to be having more fun than the passengers.


It came a pretty big rain about 7 o'clock, so everyone crowded under whatever shelter they could find.  And of course, I found a friend.  We don't see each other much because she's busy planning a wedding and a family and all that jazz, but I still love her. And aren't we just adorable!?


The fireworks went on as planned despite the rain. The finale was the best I've seen in years.  The Huntsville fire department really did a good job considering the weather.
(picture courtesy of  Miranda Strunk fellow firefighter's wife)

 And for those of you who missed it, SHAME! This is the south ya'll! Didn't you learn a thing from Luke Bryan?  RAIN IS A GOOD THANG! Ha Ha!!
(Pictures courtesy of Mehgan Daggs fellow firefighter's wife)


(Pictures courtesy of Mehgan Daggs fellow firefighter's wife)

The 4th was fun, but we can't forget the reason we were able to have all of this fun in the first place.  Never forget the one's who gave their lives for our freedom.  And the ones who fight so that we can keep it!
Happy Independence Day!!







Saturday, June 22, 2013

On My Salvation and Faithfulness (Part 2)

Isn't it funny how God puts us right where we need to be, so we can get the exact answers we need to get at exactly the time he wants us to get them?  I've been walking around for years with this nagging at my heart.  This little bit of doubt that I couldn't squash. Someone told me once that maybe instead of asking God, "Why?", perhaps I should be asking God, "What should I be learning from this."

I kept wondering, "Why is it that everyone else has this perfect story.  This "AhA!! moment that they can recount whenever they feel like it. And I'm sitting here all, "Well, I don't know, I love the Lord and I want to serve him. I was sorry for my sins. I believe everything I'm supposed to believe. I didn't speak the words aloud. And ever since that day, I've never been moved by the holy spirit to ask to be saved again."....What am I supposed to be learning from this.  Why is it so easy for others and yet so very difficult for me?

The devil uses our weaknesses. He works by fear.  He feeds on it. And if we let it, it can consume us.  I know this, I've been taught this since the day that I accepted Christ into my heart.  And yet, I allowed Satan to defeat me with fear.  Many nights, I would pray, "God, if I'm not saved please save me."

Did you know that God sees into our hearts?  He knows our intentions before we even know them ourselves.  He knows every single tear that comes out of our eyes, and he counts them.  We matter to him.  Salvation, is a gift.  It isn't a hidden treasure that's been buried somewhere deep in the mountains.  We don't need a map to find it.  We don't have to fight for it.  It's right in front of us...always.

All week long, Tommy, our bible school teacher, has been teaching about the Holy Ghost.


John 14:16-17 (King James Version)
16 And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever;
17 Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.

This is the first thing I learned.  The holy spirit, not only is apart of the holy trinity, but the holy spirit is a "he", not an "it".  This was particularly important to me because while I've always believed in the holy trinity, I've never understood it much. And honestly, I never really expected to understand it at all until this week. 
Now that I can identify that the Holy Spirit is a person, just like God and Jesus.  I understand this: the Holy Spirit loves us, hears us, watches over us, just like God does...just like Jesus does. Are you still with me?? 

Something else that I learned is that God hears us even when we feel like we can't get a prayer past the ceiling, let alone all the way to heaven. When I heard this part, it was like God put me right back there at that bed side where I'd accepted him.  That little girl with eyes opened while her parents prayed beside her, with the tears that hit the bed railing....her heart pounding...speaking for her where she couldn't find the words.  I realized right then that the holy spirit was right there next to me.  God had sent him there.  He told me so in John 14:16.

So here it is folks...almost 20 years later...my AHA! moment.  Forgive me, because it's still hard for me to put into words.  It was as though God was sitting right next to me showing me all of the ways he's worked in my life.  From that day on up til now.  In high school when all my friends were taking the broad road, and I decided to follow the narrow path way.  The day God lead me to my husband, and showed me that he was my mate.  When I prayed and prayed for a child, and God granted me my desire.  Every single time I stood up in church to sing, or give a testimony, the devil told me it was all for show and that I was a fake.  But he was wrong.  God really did all those those things for me, and I sang because he gave me my voice and I loved him. A lost soul doesn't love God...he can't love God...and I really really love God. I'm saved.  And although I've been making excuses for why I can't do this or that, He still loves me.  My faith had just faltered. But here's what I forgot...
(Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.)

He loves me.  All day, every day, no matter what...He loves me.  He loved me then, He loves me now, and everywhere in between.  It's a gift...just like my salvation.  It's free, and unconditional. And praise His name, I'm so glad I went to bible school this week.  Because I learned more sitting in that pew in a few days than I could have ever learned in the last 20 years.


Now I'm not saying that you aren't gonna find me some day, needing some encouragement. Or that some Sundays, I might just feel defeated enough to stay home.  But, all I can say is...it's time for me to stop allowing the devil to make me useless to God.  It's time I started fighting for my childrens' future, because no one else will.  It's time I took control of my life, and stopped letting the devil make me paralyzed with fear.

I've been praying about how he can use me.  This is what I feel lead to do.

From now on.  Even if I don't post any other blogs...Once a week, I am going to post about a topic that I've been studying in my bible with my kids.  It's a way for me to learn, and to teach them.  I would really enjoy all of my readers' participation, either by facebook or through blogging.  I'm really not sure of the details yet, but I know that God wants me to do this. So, I'm gonna do it.  Look for my updates! And if anyone would like to help me out by giving me some topics to study, please comment below.

By the way, the next time you see my oldest, Caleb, asking him about Adam and Eve.  We talked about them Tuesday night.  If you see my daughter, Carley, ask her about Jesus.  She will tell you that he died on a cross, and He loves us.  Now, I call that progress.  (or a slap in the devil's face, whichever you would prefer) 

Friday, June 21, 2013

On My Salvation and Faithfulness

I got saved when I was very young.  I still remember it like it was yesterday.  We went to church at my great uncle's church.  My mom and her gospel group were singing that night.  It was some time in October, although I don't remember the exact day.  I was either 8 or 9, but I'm not sure exactly which it is, all I know is it was October and I was baptized in April.  My great uncle painted the most real picture of hell that night. I don't remember anyone doing so before or after that day.  I can only assume that it was the holy spirit drawing me in and dealing with me. I didn't go to the alter that night, but we barely made it in the house before I was telling my parents I needed to be saved.  My dad explained the plan of salvation to me, but I remember wishing he would shut up and get on with the praying part because I was scared the rapture would take place before I got the words out of my mouth.  

When we finally knelt at my parents bed side, I don't remember saying a single word.  I distinctly remember that I didn't close my eyes, because I remember seeing my tears hit the railing of my parents bed.  I just remember thinking to myself, "Lord help me, I don't want to go to hell."

I've really struggled with this through out my life, simply because, when you hear someone recount the day of their salvation they can tell it so well.  It's so clear to them.  It's like a picture, and they're the artist.  Sometimes, when the devil really wants to get at me, I feel the doubt creep up in me.  I feel the fear creep into my veins, and I become useless to God.  Because God can't use a doubtful soul, and without faith, it is impossible to please Him.  

There have been many times that I have prayed about this fear that I have.  When I was about 13, I remember lying in bed next to mom and begging her to pray for me because I didn't know if I was saved or not.  And then later, about 19, I remember recounting the entire day of my salvation to my dad as tears ran down my face and asking him if I was missing something.  Then, just before my dad passed away, I awoke from a horrifying dream that I'd died and gone to hell.  I woke my poor husband from a dead sleep and begged him to get on his knees in the bed next to me and pray with me.

All of these times in my life were times when I wasn't particularly close to God.  For one reason or another I was straying or pouting or whatever you want to call it.  But above all else, I was unusable to God.  

That's the way the devil likes us folks.  If he can't keep you from getting saved, he sure as the world is gonna do his best to be sure you don't lead anyone else to salvation.  That's his main goal.  Always has been...and it will be until the very end.

For the past 5 years...I've been pretty useless to God.  I've tried to explain it all away.  I have an excuse for every day of the week.  I have a reason for every missed church service.  I have an excuse for every time I didn't get up and sing when I should have.  I have reason why I didn't try to witness to the man who asked me for spare change in the parking lot of my work that night.  I have an excuse for the time someone asked me what I stood for and I tucked tail and ran.  

But what I can not find an excuse for is why my 5 year old son can't tell me a single thing about Adam and Eve.  He has no idea who Samson and Delilah are.  He doesn't know how David slew Goliath.  And he is 3 years away from the age that I was when I was saved.  In 3 years, it is completely possible that he will be at the age of accountability.  And I am failing him miserably.  

I've tried to blame my laziness on the fact that my children are embarrassingly rowdy in church.  They can't sit still that long. They're cranky.  We don't feel good.  People stare at us and I feel like they're wondering what in the world my problem is and why on earth can't I make my "brats" be quiet for just a little while.  And so, most of the time I opt to stay home.  It's a shame.  It truly is...

This week I made a goal to make sure my children made it to our Vacation Bible School, and that on the days I didn't work, I made it there with them. I expected them to learn a great deal this week, but what I didn't expect was learning something myself....

TO BE CONTINUED.... 


Monday, May 20, 2013

A Letter To Caleb...

Caleb,

  Today, I watched you graduate pre-school.  I know I looked funny, because I was the only mom crying, and you said as much on the way home.  But here's what you don't understand.  You, my sweet boy, are and will always be, my greatest miracle.  God literally gifted you to me, when I thought you would forever remain a dream that would never come true.  I BEGGED God for you.  Sometimes patiently, and sometimes not so patiently, I waited for you.  And when they finally placed you into my arms, I knew I was meant to be your mom.  And boy am I proud.


The thing is, you're just growing up way to fast for me.  Every time I look at you, it seems you've grown some more.  It just doesn't seem fair that I can't keep you exactly the way you are right now. You still trust me, and think I make no mistakes.  Your world belongs to me and your dad, and someday we are going to have to give that up.  Today was just a reminder of that fact.  And while we are so very proud of that fact, we are also a little saddened.  I truly dread the day when you no longer need me.  Just know that even if you do wake up one day and don't need me, you'll still have me.  You'll always be my baby boy.

Love Always,
Mom





The Best Big Brother

Also Incredibly Smart
And just when I think you're gonna drive me insane...
You give me that smile.
Gets me every time.


Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Just Decompressing.....

It's been a rough couple of weeks in the Bell household.  We all started out with colds. Shortly after, we were visited by the stomach virus.  Then it was old Mr. Influenza. And now we're back to the stomach virus.  A wonderful time for this mother to decide to pick up more hours at work.
"Oh the joys of motherhood!"

It seems as though I'm being hit on all fronts.  My not quite 3 year old daughter has decided that she is now a diva with a "TUDE".  And throws some of the awfullest tantrums you will ever see. If you see an abandoned cart at Wal-mart and hear a child screaming like a banchee somewhere near, you know the "Carlinator" has struck again.

I used to be one of those people who snarled their noses at the screaming child in the cart behind me whose mother calmly read the cover of People magazine as if nothing were happening. Not anymore.  I applaud the mother who can keep her cool when her normally sweet baby is transforming into the hulk right beside her.  Let me tell ya, it's enough to drive you to drinkin' sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, I realize this is what I signed up for, but ya'll if I hear one more childless adult say the words, "You better do something with that kid now, or in a few years you'll not be able to control them." I'm gonna Hulk out myself.  Please, tell me more about how you know exactly nothing about being a parent. The thing is, being a parent is hard in itself without having to justify your actions to someone who knows nothing about the situation except what they might see on the surface.

I suppose that's what parenting has taught me.  I don't judge the way I used to.  When I see a situation, I see it with new eyes.  And I think, not what that person should be doing differently, but what I could be doing to help encourage them.  And for that I'm grateful.




We did manage to enjoy some days minus the sickness. Here's what we did for fun! Enjoy!

 

Thursday, February 14, 2013

A Ride in the Car with Daniel...

Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;'

-William Shakespeare--


---We're riding in the car.  It's the first evening we've spent alone since our son was born. We've gone so quickly from being a couple of young kids with our own ideas and plans for our lives, to two people who now walk a single path. Sometimes the path is rocky, and sometimes it's smooth.  Sometimes we travel a great distance, and sometimes we stand in the same place for a while, one waiting for the other to move.  Mostly he waits patiently for me to move. But we've both learned with time, that the importance of the path is that it is traveled together. 

I think, as I glance over at him, how he's changed so much since the first time we road in a car like this together.  I see it  looking back now.  I didn't have a chance back then.  Not even for a second. I was his from the moment he shook my father's hand and said, "I'll have her home by 10, sir."  He wasn't even scared. 

We were young.  Very young....and the odds weren't in our favor.  Not many young kids can make a marriage last.  Our parents were terrified for us.  Perhaps because they knew that we still had a lot of growing to do, and that that meant we would most likely change.  And that meant, that we might become different people along the way, and that someday we might wake up strangers.  

It's true though.  We did change.  We've seen hard times, heart aches, births, deaths, disappointment....but the one thing that hasn't changed...is our love for one another.  People change...life changes...circumstances change....and love remains the same.  It is an ever fixed mark, that looks on tempests and is never shaken.

We ride in silence now, down the road...in our car...him holding my hand.  I am content in knowing that our silence is comfortable and familiar, and it feels just like home.  



Thursday, February 7, 2013

How I Learned To Believe

(Linking up with Imperfect Prose today.  This is only the second time doing so.  I thought it was time to test my writing out on someone besides my little facebook family. Be gentle.)

Their are two kinds of people in the world.  Believers and non-believers.  You can become a believer, but you can never become a non believer.  Once you first believe in something, you don't have a choice to do anything else.


I became a believer when I was nine years old.  The first thing I ever believed in...I mean TRULY believed in...was Jesus.  After that, it wasn't hard to find something to believe in.  What was hard was to keep believing even when things looked dim.  I have lost people in my life, and saw things in my life that has shook my belief to the very core.

I've lost friendships that I thought would last forever. But, I happen to have some of the best friends that anyone could possibly ask for.

At a very young age,  I was told after two miscarriages, that I might never have children.  But, at night I'm rocked to sleep by the gentle breathing and snoring of not one but two brown eyed miracles who look a mixture of their daddy and me.  And I awaken to soft voices whispering, "Mommy, can we get up now?"

My dad passed away from cancer when I was twenty four, sending me deep down in the gutter of a darkness that I never want to ever revisit again. But I am reminded daily, that I have a heavenly father who hears my every prayer.

My belief gets shaken when I and those that I love are attacked because what we believe threatens others and what they stand for.  I feel afraid when I am told that my belief brings hatred and alienates those who aren't like me. I believe that we all are different and believe differently ,and yet love can still exist between us all.

My belief is shaken when I hear of men and women who kill in the name of a God that they do not know.  Or when a man walks into a school full of children and opens fire.  Or a movie theater.   Or a public office building....But I still believe that there are good people left in this world.

I still believe.

I Believe that Christ can make anyone a true believer.  I believe there is light within every darkness.  I believe that in all things God is in control.  I still believe that prayer and hope can cure cancer.  I believe that even the greatest doctors can be proven wrong.  And I believe that even the most wretched sinner can be saved.  I believe that I can do all things, through Christ.  And my belief keeps me going.  It is the only thing that can not be taken from me.  Because no matter what, I believe.


Sunday, January 27, 2013

We Laughed Until We Cried...

It's been almost four years since my dad went home to be with Jesus.  I have been gradually healing from that loss every day since then.  Some days, it's easy.  Some days, not so much...  But even on the best day the ache was dull.  A constant reminder of the missing piece to my life puzzle.  I can tell you with complete certainty that up until a week ago, I had not laughed in four years.  

I tried to fake it.  Even on the best days.  I would chuckle when things were funny, but it had been so long since I'd actually laughed until I thought my insides would explode.  Now, if you know me at all, you know that laughing is what makes "me"..."me".  And I can say with confidence that I have not been "me" in a very, very, VERY long time.  

I've tried going through the motions.  Forcing a laugh where I knew it should be, and smiling at sweet moments when I knew that I should.  But I wasn't interested in smelling the flowers...and I had no desire to make any kind of effort to make a long lasting friendship, or even pretend that getting out of the house and off the couch made me happy.  I was broken...heart, soul, and spirit.  

Even before last weekend, I had come a long way.  I spoke at a ladies' conference in September about letting go of grief, and accepting God's plan.  I was even happy. And God put these really great people in my path to help me.  As it turned out, one of the girls (whom I had known for years, but never was friends with) from my church had befriended me, and it just so happened that her dad had passed away from the same illness as my dad just a few months before.  

To try to explain...our dads were friends. Also, we share cousins, but aren't cousins ourselves.  Which kind of makes it feel like we're family anyway, even though we're not.  She's also my children's care giver when I'm at work.  To be quite honest, we sort of just became friends without even trying or noticing.  Before we knew it we were having family dinners, and going out to dinner when we could steal away from our children.  During that time we talked and shared our experiences of loss, and I began to realize I wasn't alone in my sadness.  Knowing that fact felt pretty darn good. I can safely say that she was the most unexpected friend I've ever made, and I feel extremely blessed to have her in my life.

Recently, my cousin, (whom I've always wanted to spend more time with but it never seemed to work out) moved back home from Virginia.  She has got to be the most care free...loving...fun person I have ever known, and I can't for the life of me figure out why we haven't made more of an effort before now.  But she is without a doubt the only person that could have brought my laughter back, and I am so glad to call her my family.

  Last Sunday night, I was excited when we all finally made it under the same roof.  I can't really explain this to you, but let me just say...I haven't had that much fun in years.  After all these years of feeling like I didn't have a friend in the world, there I was sitting at a kitchen table with more than my fair share.

That was the day.  The day I got my laugh back. We were all laughing, and we laughed until we cried.  And it felt like the best gift I have ever been given.  To be able to laugh in a house, at a table, with people who know me, and still love me.  I can't say that there won't be more bad days for me, but that day made me realize that on the bad days, I won't be alone.