The Promise

Carley, Caleb, and their cousin Elijah.



Two years ago today, God blessed me in a big way. I found out that I was gonna have a second bundle of joy to add to my family. This came as a huge surprise to me, because I had been told by several doctors after Caleb was born that he might be my only.  It took great prayer, fasting, and just plain hard work to get him here, and it was highly unlikely that we would be so lucky a second time, and even if we were so lucky I may not be able to carry the baby to term. 

After being told this, I set out to be happy with my tiny little family.  In the mean time my dad became ill, and it became hard to even imagine another child with everything that was happening at that time. Then dad passed on in May, and we mourned our loss, myself especially.  I cried and prayed and screamed and yelled and cried some more. For two solid months I cried myself to sleep every single night.  Then this August morning exactly two years ago, God nudged me as if to say to my heart in that still small voice of his, "Stacey, it's time to come out of the dark. Your dad is with me now, he is happy. It's time you got back to raising your family. Let this be well with your soul."

Now, I don't know about you, but it's very hard for me to let anything be well with MY soul.  It just doesn't come natural to me to put everything in the Master's hands and leave it there. I kneel down, lay my burden down, pray about it, and most of the time when I'm through I pick it right back up and take it with me.  But on this day two years ago, I said to God, "How? How are you going to bring me out of the dark?"  That morning, I drove Caleb to the babysitter, and then myself to work. I was so frantic, because the next morning we were supposed to leave for the beach. I was racing, racing, racing everywhere. I barely made it to work before I became overwhelmingly nauseated. And with a little nudging from a co-worker, and even more nudging from God, I found myself in the grocery line with an EPT in my hand. 

That day, I realized, I had come full circle.  I began my journey with a desire for a child that almost broke my heart. And God not only answered my prayer once, but with TWO little blessings. And just as my dad was leaving us, God gave us a fresh new face to love. 

God has never ceased to prove himself to me.  He has always known what is best for me, in spite of what I think that may be. And in the midst of the darkness, he shines the light.  He loves me more than I deserve, and I am so glad I have that promise that he will never leave me. Knowing this, I am sure I will never be alone. What a blessing to know, that nomatter what our lives throw at us, we have a friend that will never die, never leave us, always have time for us, and always care for us.

Carley Larryssa Bell

You've been sleeping in your own bed since the day we brought you home from the hospital. But you love to be held and cuddled and loved. You love your brother, and think he is funny. You have your Poppa Larry's left ear. Some day you will hate this about yourself because that ear kind of looks like an elf's ear, and that makes me giggle because I like to think that your Poppa asked God to give you that to let us know that even though he didn't get to see you on this earth, he still knew you and loved you.

You are very adventurous and love to explore, but some days you are very content just sitting beside me on the couch watching "Bubble Guppies". You don't giggle very often. As a matter of fact, you are very serious most of the time. You study people, and watch people. This leads me to believe that you have the gift of discernment (or will have when you reach the age of accountability and accept Christ as your saviour. And I trust you will, because I love the Lord and he promised me so.) When you do decide to laugh, it's is like a gentle melody ringing in my ears, and I could listen to it all day.

You are tender hearted and kind, and I know that you get that from your Grammy. You hurt when others hurt, you cry when others cry (literally), and you are happy when others are happy. Just like your Grammy.  In your very short life, you have taught me so much about being a mother. It's easy being a mother to you, because you are so forgiving of me and my not so perfect mothering. I see in your eyes love that has no need to be expressed. It only needs to be communicated between us two, from heart to heart, smile to smile, laugh to laugh, and hug to hug. Just like your dad and me.

My dream for you is for you to have all you desire in life, and that God bless you in all your endeavors. I hope with all that I am, that you will never give up or say "I quit". Never sell yourself short, or say "I don't think I'm worth it". Because, my baby girl, God made you in all your flaws and imperfections, and he loved you for exactly who you were gonna be. He will use whomever you become so long as you let him. And if someday, you find yourself raising a little girl or boy like I have you and your brother, I hope you realize how incredibly lucky you are. As well as realize how wonderfully lucky I was to be allowed to raise you.

He Leadeth Me...

Today, I watched an episode of the Dr. Phil show of a mother who used unusual punishment on her child. She punished her child in the following ways:

• hot sauce in the mouth for lying
• cold shower for disobeying
• locked in your room for back talking

..............this child is 5..........
After seeing this, I was in TEARS! For one thing, I was so upset that this little boy was being abused that I just wanted to reach through the television and grab the MOTHER and knock her in the head with something.

There are days when my son Caleb tries my patience in every single way. There are days when he doesn't listen to a single word out of my mouth. Some days he throws things while crying uncontrollably when I correct him for something. He says he hates me. He thinks he can "parent" my daughter. He throws the "prettiest" tantrums I have ever seen, and I promise you that any child who tried to challenge him in this area would lose. (and I am not proud of that) But honestly, there is not a single thing he could do that would make me do any of the above to him. 

Acting out is a part of growing up. It's how we learn boundaries, and if we aren't correcting our children's misbehaving, then we aren't doing our jobs.  But the number 1 job we have as parents is LOVING them. When we love them like we should, and when we seek God in our lives, all of the rest just falls into place. We make mistakes as God's children, every day. And if he punished us the way we punish our children, we might be grounded for life. But He shows us patience and mercy. So, I think I'm gonna try to do the same with my kids.

All of this has shown me that there are areas in my parenting that I could definitely improve. I'm not abusive with my children by ANY means. But some days, when I feel so very alone in my parenting, all I want to do is run away and cry my eyes out. That is the moment when I need to stop, take a deep breath, and say a prayer. Because God knows exactly who we are, and what we need and he loves me just like I love my babies. (Even when I kick and scream and cry after not getting my way.)

 Above all, I have realized that the most important thing for me to improve on is my patience with my children. They are a gift from God, not a right to have, and someday they will be gone. So from now on, I'm going to parent them by giving them my time, my love, my acceptance, and above all else, leading by example. And look to God for all of the answers. I may not be like the mother on that t.v. show, but there is always room for improvement.

Do All Dogs Go To Heaven Momma?

A few months ago, Daniel brought home a new member of the family. A boxer puppy who Caleb named Tonka. He quickly became part of the family, and even I (NOT A DOG PERSON) loved him very much. We all loved him, but it became obvious that he was Caleb's dog.
"He's my best buddy Momma, I love him!!" Caleb would say....

Yesterday evening, our puppy, Tonka was hit by a car and passed away.  Caleb didn't see. So Daniel and I sat down with him to explain what happened to Tonka. The conversation went a little something like this.

"Caleb, you know how Tonka liked to chase cars?" Daniel asked, as he held him in his lap and I sobbed in the corner.
"Yeah, Daddy, He likes to chase cars don't he. He's funny." Caleb answered.
"Well, today Tonka ran in front of a car and it hit him, and it hurt him really bad. So, Tonka died, and went to heaven." Daniel said gently.
Caleb of course began to cry, and then he asked. "Well, can we go to heaven and get him?"
"No, honey, Tonka can't go back. But we can go to him some day." I finally said.
"But I'm really gonna miss him. He was my best buddy." Caleb cried.
"I know buddy." I said.
And with that, we all cried for Tonka.

Today Caleb has had a lot of questions for me.

• Is Tonka in the sky.
• Can God send him back? Because I really wanna play with him.
• Is it dark in heaven. (To which I happily answered. "No way. Heaven is bright, and Jesus is there. Everyone is happy, and no one ever dies)
• Can we just go visit Tonka?
• When are we gonna be able to go to heaven?
• Do all dog's go to heaven?

I don't really know what the right way to handle this would have been for Caleb. I never want to lie to him. And I realize that some people would say that is exactly what I did when I told him Tonka was in heaven. The truth is, we don't know for sure what happens when our animals die. Do they just go away? Probably. But a 3 year old would not understand that, and I hope that God knows that I did the best I could with what I had.  The thing is, I mourned for Caleb's loss more than I mourned for Tonka.  He is my baby, my goal in life is to always protect him. His feelings, his life, his heart, his body, and his mind...and I will do that as best I know how.

TonkaTonk--you will be greatly missed. You were a good dog.

(Quote from the Movie Marley and Me)
 You know how we're always saying what a pain you are, you're the world's worst dog, don't believe it, don't believe it for one minute because you know we couldn't find a better dog, I love you, more than anything, you're a great dog, I love you.