I'm Not Who I Was

I was driving to work one morning, when a song came on the radio. The first few bars went like this. "I wish you could see me now. I wish I could show you how, I'm not who I was." It got my mind working, and I started to think of all the people in my life who've gone on to be with Jesus. For that moment, I longed to see them again, and show them who I've become. A wife. A mother. A "Contributing member of society". Then I started to think of all of the important people in my life who have gone.

My paternal Grandfather, whom I never met. "Officially" anyway, passed  away when my dad was only 19.  My mom tells me that when I was just a little girl, I told her that a very tall man played with me in my room sometimes, and would ask me how my daddy was. Everyone liked to think it was him, coming to check up on his only granddaughter. It's more likely that I with my HUGE imagination dreamed this tall man up all on my own, but it's a neat thought.

My great grandparents (all of them) who passed away when I was just a tiny tot.

My maternal Grandfather. Who lived in Ohio, and was ill for most of my life. He passed away when I was 12. However, I do remember that he thought it was very funny that I was the only of all of his grandchildren who could hold my own when eating spicy foods. (The spicier, the better) "MY Granddaughter ain't no sissy!" He proclaim proudly. Then he'd chuckle to himself as if to say, she did get one thing from me.

My maternal Grandmother, whom I was very close to. All of my cousins swear to this very day that I was her favorite. Probably because I was the most respectful of all of them, and I listened to every single story she had to tell attentively. Even if the story was told to me 100 times, I never got tired of listening.  That lady could have written a book with the stories she had under her belt.

My cousin, Corporal Rusty Lee Washam, of the United States Marines. Killed in active duty in Iraq. I am and will always be proud of the example he set in his life. He was honorable and brave. Our last real conversation was our high school graduation day. I picked him up and we road there together that day.  I remember feeling proud of him then too, when he told me he was joining the Marines. "I'm gonna make something of myself. I want my family to be proud of me."

My two babies, whom God allowed be to carry for a short time but never hold. I know some day  I will understand why it had to be this way.

And Lastly, My dad. Whom I believe met my daughter, even though she was born almost 1 year to the day after his passing. His death changed me not for the worse, but for the better, as I learned how to be graceful in defeat. And to lean into the strength of the saviour when all hope seems to be lost.

In that moment, I wept for them all and wanted to see them again to show them the person I had become. I wanted to tell them all how their presence or rather absence in my life had shaped who I am. And then it hit me, as much as I have changed....They have changed so much more. They are with Christ. They have new bodies that aren't sick or decayed or wounded from the fight. And the bars in that song took a new meaning for me. It wasn't me who was singing to them the words of that song. Instead, in my mind, I could see each and every one of them singing to me "I wish you could see me now. I wish I could show you how, I'm not who I was..." Thank you Lord...another lesson learned. Praise His name.

 I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.

Psalms 37:25