On Becoming A Mother To A Young Christian...

         It's been a very long time since I've felt the need to put into words the things that have been happening in my family's lives.  We've gone through so many changes over the last year or so.  And I have been struggling greatly with what exactly God wants with me.  What is my purpose in his kingdom?  Who am I?  These are the questions I've been asking myself.  There comes a time in every one's lives when they have to look at what they were raised to believe, and decide if in fact they truly believe it...Do they believe it because they were told to??? or because they know in their heart of hearts that it's right and true.
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When I started blogging, the purpose was mainly for my children.  I wanted them to look back one day when I was gone and see how much I loved them.  I wanted them to see that I almost never had it together, and that it is okay to not have all the answers as an adult.  Now, I think, I mainly want them to see how when I didn't have all the answers that I tried really hard to just trust in God to lead me in the path that I should go.  And sometimes God has to DRAG me in the way that I should go to get me there.  If I can save them from some of that nonsense, that would be great.

         

The only time I've ever really questioned if God loved me was after my second miscarriage.  It had probably been about 6 months after my miscarriage, and I still hadn't got pregnant, and I was struggling.  I kept thinking, "What is wrong with me?  What did I do to make God hate me so much that he would take away the one thing I want most in this world?"  

I would drive to work, and I would pray and cry and think about Samuel's mother, Hannah, from the bible.  I would think about how she prayed so hard for a son, and God answered her prayer.  But, she made a covenant with the Lord, that if he'd give her a son, she would give him back to God when he became of age.  So I thought, if Hannah can do it, so can I...so one day in the car while driving to work, I began to pray.  I prayed for God to give me a son,  a strong willed son,  with a kind and tender heart.  I asked God to give him all the best qualities of myself, my husband, and both our parents.  I asked him to raise him up a great man of God, and that when the time came for him to accept Jesus as his saviour, that he would do so easily and wholeheartedly.  And then I promised God that when the time came, I would give him back to him, a servant of the Lord.  And like Hannah, I changed my countenance and was no more sad.  (1st Samuel 1:17-18)

And it wasn't very long after that, that God gave us Caleb.  And he was everything we could have hoped for.

For the last few years, as a whole, our family has been headed in a direction that was opposite from what God wanted for our lives.  We were following our own wants....our own desires....and working selfishly against each other day after day until we finally found ourselves at a breaking point.  At that point, all I could do was pray, "Lord, please help us.".  I didn't know what I was asking for.  I had no idea how God was about to move in our lives.  I had no clue the plans that he had in store for us.  But, I was about to find out.  

I believe with all my heart, that in the very second that I asked God to help us, he began to move.  He began making plans for us.  And our lives began to change.  

We kept fighting.

I kept praying...

I kept asking God to show me what I needed, and what our family needed.  And then I started praying for Daniel.  Not for him to be better or different....I began praying for him to find his way...to be happy...to be whole...to seek God's face...and to love God more than he loved me.  (That was a tough one).   In the same instance, I started trying to do all those things myself.  (Again, it was hard to do)

We were befriended by a couple through our son's boy scout troop, and they eventually invited us to their church.  Bull Creek Baptist Church...

Churches like this one are nearly extinct today.  Back in the holler...away from everything.  No cell phones, no traffic, nothing to distract.  Just God and his people.  There's something so sacred about a church deep in the woods.  It's like the entire world is at war all around us, but when we walk through those doors...for just a little while...nothing else matters.  

I knew I was home the second I walked through the door.  Being there didn't make me tired or drained.  I may have fought both kids tooth and nail right up until we'd walked through the doors, but once we got there, it was like my strength was renewed and I was ready to serve the Lord.  

Even more than that, I saw a change in my life.  My kids began to sit up and listen to the words that were spoken.  My oldest son Caleb began to ask questions about Salvation and take notice in the difference he was seeing in the people that we were interacting with.  And my husband began to step up and lead our family.  Our family was changing...the dynamic was changing...it was like someone was sailing the boat instead of us.  And someone was.

That was when I began asking God what my purpose was.  What was I supposed to be doing to serve him.  I could sing.  Okay, I'll sing.  I play the piano a little bit... okay...I'll play the piano.  But I just kept wondering,  what is my purpose?  And that's when God reminded me of the promise that I'd made to him.  To give Caleb back to him when the time came.  And I knew right then that it was time to put my children into God's hands.  

I didn't know at the time what exactly that meant, but I started preparing myself for it.  I knew that it wouldn't be long before God showed me what I was supposed to do.  And I got my answer one morning as we I was driving the kids to school.  It was a typical morning until Caleb looked up at me and said, "Mom, I don't want to go to hell."

It was as if someone had punched me in the gut.  Caleb was only 7 years old.  I had never talked to him about hell before.  We talked mostly about God's love to our kids.  But all the sudden, my child was telling me that he knew there was a hell, and that he didn't want to go there.  

Over the next few weeks, more questions began to come as Caleb worked through the plan of Salvation for himself.  And one night during a youth gathering of our church, he gave his heart to Jesus.  And that night, just like Caleb had become a new creature through the blood of Christ, I was now a new kind of mother.  I realized that night, that my job...my purpose in God's kingdom...was to raise my children in the way that they should go.  To teach them to be strong Christians that couldn't be swayed to left or right.  To show them that serving the Lord can be a struggle, but it can also be amazing.

Suddenly, I felt like I had a new identity.  And my heart was glad because of it.  In the last 6 months, my family has changed in ways that I used to only dream about.  God is more and more present in our daily lives, and we are trusting him more and more each day.  Every day I wake up wondering what the day will bring.

If I could tell my children's future selves something right at this very moment, it would be this:

He speaks in a still small voice.
When he speaks...Answer.
He knows what's best for you.
Trust him.
He loves you so much more than you'll ever be able to understand.
Believe it.
Others are going to try to explain him away...minimize his immensity...to tell you he is not Everything...
Don't let them.
Fight them with all you have.
Love him with all you are.
Hold onto him with all of your might.
And he will never let you down.

(photo by Nancy Chambers)