I tried to fake it. Even on the best days. I would chuckle when things were funny, but it had been so long since I'd actually laughed until I thought my insides would explode. Now, if you know me at all, you know that laughing is what makes "me"..."me". And I can say with confidence that I have not been "me" in a very, very, VERY long time.
I've tried going through the motions. Forcing a laugh where I knew it should be, and smiling at sweet moments when I knew that I should. But I wasn't interested in smelling the flowers...and I had no desire to make any kind of effort to make a long lasting friendship, or even pretend that getting out of the house and off the couch made me happy. I was broken...heart, soul, and spirit.
Even before last weekend, I had come a long way. I spoke at a ladies' conference in September about letting go of grief, and accepting God's plan. I was even happy. And God put these really great people in my path to help me. As it turned out, one of the girls (whom I had known for years, but never was friends with) from my church had befriended me, and it just so happened that her dad had passed away from the same illness as my dad just a few months before.
To try to explain...our dads were friends. Also, we share cousins, but aren't cousins ourselves. Which kind of makes it feel like we're family anyway, even though we're not. She's also my children's care giver when I'm at work. To be quite honest, we sort of just became friends without even trying or noticing. Before we knew it we were having family dinners, and going out to dinner when we could steal away from our children. During that time we talked and shared our experiences of loss, and I began to realize I wasn't alone in my sadness. Knowing that fact felt pretty darn good. I can safely say that she was the most unexpected friend I've ever made, and I feel extremely blessed to have her in my life.
Recently, my cousin, (whom I've always wanted to spend more time with but it never seemed to work out) moved back home from Virginia. She has got to be the most care free...loving...fun person I have ever known, and I can't for the life of me figure out why we haven't made more of an effort before now. But she is without a doubt the only person that could have brought my laughter back, and I am so glad to call her my family.
Last Sunday night, I was excited when we all finally made it under the same roof. I can't really explain this to you, but let me just say...I haven't had that much fun in years. After all these years of feeling like I didn't have a friend in the world, there I was sitting at a kitchen table with more than my fair share.
That was the day. The day I got my laugh back. We were all laughing, and we laughed until we cried. And it felt like the best gift I have ever been given. To be able to laugh in a house, at a table, with people who know me, and still love me. I can't say that there won't be more bad days for me, but that day made me realize that on the bad days, I won't be alone.
