Thursday, April 30, 2015

Ain't No Clouds In My Skies...

  "I sense that you will never stop worrying about this until you know 100% that you're okay.  Am I right?"
The doctor smiled looking across the table at me.

He's a smart man.  I can tell.  I mean, yeah, he's a doctor...so obviously he's smart...but he's also very good at reading people.

"Do you have a family history of any kind of cancer."  He asked.

It was my turn to smile.  I then began to list all the cancers in my family.  "My dad had lung cancer when I was fourteen, which would have made him about 44, I think.  He also had colon cancer immediately after, which had nothing to do with the lung cancer.  My dad's dad died of lung cancer.  My dad's mom had breast cancer.  My mom's mom died from complications of colon cancer.  My mom's brother also died from colon cancer. I proceeded to list more family members, and when I was finished his smile had faded into a solemn expression."

"Is there anyone who hasn't died from cancer?" He asked.

"Well, yes, but there are more that have than have not." I looked down at my hands uncomfortably.

"Are you having any problems yourself?" He asked.

"Well, yeah...I've always had issues."  As I sat there explaining every embarrassing issue I'd had in the colon department since I was old enough to recognize the issue, he listened intently.  When I was finished, I felt like a ton of bricks had been lifted off of my shoulders.  This man is going to listen to me.  He is going to help me.
"Well, Mrs. Bell," He said, "I think the best thing to do is a colonoscopy.  You have a family history.  You're having issues, and I think it really would just ease your mind.  Do I think you have cancer? Probably not.  But considering all the family history of cancer, it wouldn't hurt for us to watch you extra closely."

It was a long month.  Waiting for this day to get here.  I've prayed a lot.  Thought a lot about cancelling the entire procedure.  But then I would think of my children burying me just out of high school, and I knew it was the right decision.  The thing is, cancer is preventable.  From the foods that we eat...to what we put into our bodies...to what we breath...we are not invincible...our lives can end very easily, and much earlier than we would like...

I know where I'm goin' when it's time to meet my maker.  I'm not afraid to die.  But as a mother, I am very much afraid to leave my children at this stage in their lives.  It was extremely difficult for me, losing my dad at the age of 24.  And even before that, part of him was gone.  Something happens to someone who gets cancer.  They lose a part of themselves.  My dad walked around for 10 years afraid his time was almost up.  And then it was.  For 10 years, a gray cloud hung over my family's head, and then one day the gray turned to black...and then he was gone.  I will never forget that pain.   And if I can shield my children...my husband from that pain early in our lives, I will.



I've been battling anxiety for a good 5 years.  Coincidentally, that's about how long my dad's been gone.  For a very long time, the devil has picked at me.  "What if you have cancer." , "What if you died.", "What if you're sick."

And I cowered in fear before him.  It was a crippling fear. A fear that affected every aspect of my life.  It affected my relationships.  It held me back.  It made my beautiful, imperfect life less enjoyable.  

Today, as I sat with the Doctor, listening to my good report, I finally felt at peace.  "No signs of cancer...no problems...see you in three years.  Colon cancer is the most curable cancer you can get if you catch it early.  You and I are gonna be great friends, Mrs. Bell".   (What a nice man. Haha.)  I finally felt at peace.  And more than that, I felt like I'd given the devil a black eye!! Not because I didn't have cancer.  But because I had taken control of my fear. And I decided that, he can only have the power to make me afraid if I let him.  And I'm not going to let him.

No more gray cloud in my skies.  My God doesn't allow clouds in his sky.  My life is in God's hands, and even more than that, my childrens' lives are in God's hands.  And that's okay with me.












God's my saviour, God's my healer, God's my deliverer.  YES HE IS!




2 Timothy 1:7
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.



4 comments:

  1. Beautiful story. And you ended it with my favorite Bible verse. :) <3

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    1. Thank you. :) I do think of you now when I quote that verse. It's a good verse.

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  2. So glad you're cancer free and that your mind is at rest. xo

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