My Anniversary....

When you marry young, it's easy to lose yourself in the midst of it all. The wedding, starting a life...a family. And suddenly you wake up one day, and you have a job and a house, and two children to raise.  You aren't just a couple, you're a family.  And you begin to wonder....Does this person that I married even really know me? Do I really know me anymore?  Are we still the two people who fell in love 10 years ago? Or are we just two people who live together and have children.

"I need to stop and get a few things before I come home." he says to me. 

I knew where he was going. He forgot our anniversary last year, and this year he was bound and determined to make up for it.
"Ok." I replied.

When he walked through the door, I already knew he was towing a juicer in his bag.  It's what I said I wanted.  Who could blame the guy for giving me exactly what I said I wanted.  But somewhere down deep inside it hurt me just a little.  The "whiny-butt" inside of me couldn't help but wonder if given the task he would be able come up with a single gift for me that would show that he knew me at all.

You see, my husband is my best friend.  We do everything together.  We have been in each other's lives since we were 16. We know things about each other...and yet, all he could think to buy me was the juicer that I'd asked for.

He saw the disappointment in my eyes.  "Isn't that what you asked for?" He frowned.

"Yeah," I smiled. I did like the gift. Genuinely...i did.  "Thank you."
"I also got you this." He smiled back at me, and pulled a CD out of his pocket.
It was Gavin DeGraw the Live Concert album.
I squealed like a kid and snatched the CD from his hands.  Then I threw my arms around him and kissed him. He thought I loved the gift, but what I loved was the fact that he bought me a gift that showed me he still knew me.

It's the most amazing feeling...knowing you're with the one who God intended.  Knowing that no matter what life hands you...you're in it together.

Happy Anniversary Honey.  9 Years and Counting.....

In All My Thankfulness...

Thanksgiving is not what it used to be.  When I was a little girl, you cooked, you ate, and then you lay stuffed like the turkey you'd just devoured.  You spent time with family.  You watched the parade.  And then, you put up the Christmas tree. This day was about family.

Don't get me wrong, I understand the need to save money, but I almost refuse to buy something that comes from a store that's on sale simply because it's supposed to save me money.  I mean who really needs a television every year? And what child really needs so many toys that we have to fist fight in order to get it. I guarantee you my friend, that toy will be bountiful on said child's birthday.

Thanksgiving has been eclipsed by Christmas.  Why?

We scramble around trying to find the perfect gifts for the perfect people in our lives.  But on this Thanksgiving day, are we really spending time with them?  I mean really?  It's not about the sales ya'll.  It's not about the food.  It's about remembering why we are here.  It's about remembering the reasons we love.  It would be loads less stressful if we could just show the people we love them by spending time with them, rather than rushing around trying to buy them a perfect gift for a holiday that hasn't even got here yet.

Today I am going to choose to just be thankful.
I'm thankful to know the love of Jesus, and his comforting hand in times of trouble.
I'm thankful for my mom and dad.  Without them, I wouldn't exist.  And further more, without them, I wouldn't know the love of Jesus, or how to make a marriage work.
I'm thankful for my husband, who absolutely snuck up on me.  And I am so glad he's mine.
I'm thankful for my children.  There was a time when I didn't even think I would meet them, and now they're here. And they are perfect with all their imperfections.
I'm thankful for my step dad, who brought my mom out of the dark.  I will forever be grateful.
I'm thankful for my in-laws.  There are times when I actually feel like a daughter instead of a daughter in law.  You have always been there for me. To help with the kids. To help with anything we need.  I will never forget the kindness and love you showed to me when my dad passed. I love you both.
I'm thankful for my close friendships. There are women in my life  that I can go to any time I need to talk, and I know they will understand. And that makes me feel incredibly blessed.
This just names a few.  I could go on all day, for whom and what I am thankful.  It makes my heart happy to to list all of the reasons I'm thankful.  And it's not a happiness that can be bought in a store.  So, my friend, just exactly what...or who...are you thankful for??

Being a Mom...

Some days being a mom is easy...fun...incredibly rewarding.  You get to lick the beaters while the cake bakes, and the bowl, and the icing spoon (and you get to share with your best friends in the world...your kids)  You get to play with water guns in the house.  You get to watch cartoons and play couch potato on Saturday mornings, and stay up late on Friday nights.  Being a mom can be fun.

Some days being a mom is rewarding.  When your child says "Momma" for the very first time.  When he or she calls you back into their room after bed time just to say, "I love you". Or when they write their name in bright green marker on your pretty white trim, but all you can see is that they wrote their name.  Being a mom, is rewarding.

But some times, and more often than not, being a mom...is hard.  

It's hard when you walk your child into a room full of strangers, and hand him or her off to them.  It's hard to smile at them and tell them they will be fine, and you will see them soon. Making the decisions that are right for your child, even when you know that that decision might cause them pain...is hard.  It's the worst part of being a parent that I have ever encountered.

When I spent those 2 years struggling to conceive a child...it never once crossed my mind how hard it would be.  All I could see in that moment, was the second that I laid eyes on my child.  All I could think of, was that my life was not complete without my children....one boy and one girl...  I didn't know it would be this hard. And it is, EXACTLY as hard as your momma told you it would be.  And it is as scary as your dad said it would be.  And it is as expensive and exhausting and draining as EVERY ONE warned you it would be.  Being. A. MOM. Is. HARD.....

But it is absolutely the only job I will ever care about doing as long as I live.  And it is without a doubt the most fun time I will ever have.  And it is hands down the best decision I've ever made in my entire life.  (Even above marrying my husband, who by the way feels the exact same way, I'm sure) So, on this day, when my child is in so much pain.  On this day, when I am terrified to close my eyes because they might need me.  I remember that this is the job that I signed up for, and this is the life that I asked for.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Being a mom is EVERYTHING. 

Welcome Back Kotter

It's been a good 3 months since I've even looked at my blog.  It's not that I've been avoiding it, it's just that...well, I've been avoiding it. I've been having a time.  Caleb started school in August, and since then has had 3 bouts of Strep.  His tonsils and adenoids are to be remove this Tuesday.  So hopefully he will feel better soon.

The doctors are very concerned in the drop in my energy level, and coincidentally my white blood count. So, for the last few weeks I've been poked and prodded and re poked whenever they see fit.  They've determined anemia, but they have "further testing" they want to do to make sure it's nothing more.  I just want  to "want" to shower. But most days I just opt for bath so I don't have to stand.

I'm also extremely grumpy of late.  Home life gets to you when don't really have the energy to do anything more than walk to the kitchen and back to the couch.  Even my job is a task.  I think, "Why does this stupid time clock have to be so darn far away."  I love my job, but if I could do it while sleeping, I would like it much more.

 Carley has turned into Oscar the Grouch lately, and while it's a little cute at times, mostly it's just annoying.  My two year old tells me what shoes she will wear, what she will eat, what she will not eat, etc. And whenever she gets in trouble she just smiles her sweet smile and says, "I not do nothing, it Caleb."  Yeah, I know, cute huh?



So anyway, I kind of turned into a robot.  Get up, drop kids at school and babysitter, go to work, eat, go home, bathe the kids, put kids in the bed, sleep, wake up and repeat the next day.  And then tonight after picking up my kids from their grandparents' house we were driving home, Caleb from the back seat says, "Hey, mom look at those Christmas lights."  (He was speaking of the lights in the town square.)
Then Carley says, "Aw pretty Momma."

And it reminded me, that no matter how hectic life gets, we should always take time to enjoy the little things in life. Even if it is just Christmas lights.  So we took a detour.  In an abandoned town square my children and I rolled down the windows and cranked up the heater and enjoyed the Christmas lights.  Oddly enough, the Welcome Back Kotter theme song popped into my head right at that time.  I guess it was my subconscious way of telling me I needed to snap out of this fog. And all it took was two little babies, and some twinkling lights.

Enjoy the little things...they are gone far too quickly.



Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back! :~)

Caleb Goes to School

It took me a little over 2 years to get my Caleb here.  I fasted and prayed for him.  I worked diligently, and followed the doctor's orders to a "T".  I worked hard to get him here.  I remember feeling a sense of relief when he was born.  After 2 miscarriages, I didn't trust my body to do what it was supposed to do.  Now I know that it wasn't my body I should've been focusing on, it was God's promise to work everything to my good.  

The day Caleb was born, all I really remember is holding him and thinking, "Finally. You're finally here. Welcome to my world baby boy.  You've won me, heart and soul."

Since that day, I have spent little time away from him.  At times he and I have battled it out with no sign of either of us surrendering.  We've spent time deep in conversation about dead doggies and Poppas that can't be remembered and why the moon hides from us sometimes. He has the biggest heart, and most compassion that I've ever seen in a four year old.

This morning, I watched him greet his teacher, and wave bye to me.  He's still mine, probably always will be.  But today...I'm sitting in my big chair that he and I sit in every morning feeling empty.  My baby boy is growing up...and all I can say is...."Slow down...I'm not ready."

What I've Learned...My Cup Runneth Over Part 2 (Into the Light)

Slowly, I began to realize that no matter how mad I was, or how angry...HE wasn't going anywhere.  When I realized that, it began to chip away at my heart. He began putting people in my path that reminded me that he hadn't left me, including my children.

I wrote a blog a few months ago, about my dad and how hard I was trying to accept the loss.  Upon writing it, (almost immediately) I received a phone call from someone that I've always looked up to.  She was inviting me to speak at a local ladies' conference.  She said God told her I had something to say.  My mind said no, but my mouth and heart said yes. And another chip fell from my heart. And I prayed, and then I picked up my bible.

A few days later, one of my best friends called to tell me that the Lord had saved her. Although I was happy for her...because I wasn't where I needed to be with HIM, I couldn't truly rejoice.  So I went home and cried out to God.  "Please God, help me.  I'm ready to talk.  Don't hide from me."  Almost immediately a bible passage popped into my head.  "Those who seek me, shall find me."

Just after that, a friend from church called to ask me if she could take my kids to bible school.  It convicted me.  I knew that I should be the one taking my kids to bible school.  I knew that I wasn't doing my job.  And another chip fell. But this friend...she encouraged me.  She took my kids on the nights that I worked and then encouraged me to come when I could.  And while I was there, not one person said anything about my absence in the last few months.  But they did tell me how good it was to see me and my children.  And another chip fell.

So the next Sunday that I didn't work, I got my kids up and we went down the road to that little church.  The whole way I prayed..."Lord, please please please don't let my kids embarrass me."  We sat through the entire service, and they were wild and crazy kids....but you know what. No one said a word, except how great it was that we were there.  So that night, I went again.  This time, it wasn't so bad. The kids were just a little bit rowdy.  

It was just enough for me to hear Preacher Jeff speak about how important it is to raise your family in church.  And all of the sudden...there he was.  Sitting next to me, "well, are you ready?" 

I'm telling you right now. If I could have RAN to that alter at that second I would have.  (Actually, I probably could have except I wasn't sure if they would think I was crazy or not) When the alter call was given, though, I did go.  And the rest of the pieces just fell away.

That was the day I learned this:

The devil will do his best to not only alienate you from God, but also from your church family.  Your church family is there for you to lean on when you need it.  They are there to help you, and encourage you.  You just have to be humble enough to ask for help when it's needed.  

And God, is there even when you can't feel him.  He never leaves us.  

Since that exact moment...my cup has been over flowing.  God has opened doors to me, and I can see now so clearly His hand guiding me where I thought I was alone.  I am not alone.  I am so far from alone.  And I don't care who knows...I am gonna make sure that from now on, my life is a model for my children and my heart is a home for my Saviour.  

What I've Learned: My Cup Runneth Over Part 1 (The Darkness)

I've been a very angry person for the last couple of years.  I've become this person who thinks nasty, hateful things.  I continually make snarky comments whenever I feel like it.  I snap at the slightest sign of conflict.  

I stopped reading my bible a long time ago.  And even before that, I stopped praying.  When my oldest, Caleb, was two, I walked out of a church service during a very LARGE tantrum and never looked back.  When my youngest, Carley, was born, I felt the need to attend a church. 

 So I put them in the car, and drove down the road to the little cross shaped church on the hill.  The one from my childhood.  The one where I was saved.  The one where I was married.  The place I learned about leaning on a fellow christian, and loving your church family like you love your own family.  A few months later, I my husband and I joined, but he works out of town a lot so I rarely went.  

My excuse, was my children.  They were loud, rowdy, and very rambunctious.  It was just easier to stay home.  Truthfully, I didn't want to be there to begin with.  And honestly, it had very little to do with them.  I was mad.  Mad at God for taking my dad away.  Mad at myself for being miserable.  Mad at my mom for re marrying.  Mad at my step-dad for daring to try to be my friend.  The list gets longer and longer.

I tried.  To go through the motions of being a christian.  I was still HIS.  He was still there.  But I was in the darkness.  I had a monkey on my back the size of a boulder.  I could have taken care of it by giving it to him.  But that would have meant coming to terms with my anger, and repenting for my part in it all.  I wasn't ready to do that.  He just sat down beside me and said, "That's okay, I can wait."

And wait he did. He waited....and waited....and waited.  And me, well, I stewed....and sulked...and pouted....and sulked some more.  Every now and then He'd say, "You okay? Need anything?"

"Hmph."  I'd say, as I crossed my arms and tilted my nose to the air. 

Funny how he just seems to patiently wait on his children.  I could never be that patient.

In a nut shell, I've been acting like my two year old who's lost her favorite toy. (I kind of did though) Except he was my best friend.  

Part 2 to come....trust me it's worth the wait. (Especially my church family...you are gonna like this)

Coming Out of the Dark

All I know is, he's changed my frame of mind.

I've been walking around, with my head down.
Soul aching,
Heart breaking,
Knees shaking,
Ready to quit,
Completely OVER it.

And then Jesus passed by.
He said, "Child, why do you cry?"
And then He opened up my eyes.
And completely changed my heart and mind.

I've always known Him,
But now I SEE Him.
I've always loved Him,
But now I have a relationship with Him.
I've always prayed to him,
But now, He speaks to me.

He knows my name,
And He works everything to my good.
Mends broken hearts,
Heals the broken souls,
Renews the strength of the weak.

Thanks you Lord for being near me.

                                       Jesus Friend Of Sinners - BY Casting Crowns

A Midst The Thorns....(Getting to Know the Love of Christ)

When I was a little girl, I learned that you should FEAR God.  It was in ever sermon I had ever heard.  It could have been because the Lord was preparing me to accept salvation, or it could have been that I just paid more attention to that one thing.  In any case, it seemed that although I had completely grasped the concept of a wrathful and chastising God...I simply missed the most important thing that God gives us.  His Love...

When I was 9 years old, I came to my mother after a church service during which hell was made real to me. I was so scare of dying that night.  There, at my parents bedside, I asked Jesus to save me.  From that day on, I tried my very best to serve him, but I never got to KNOW him.  Every time I would make a mistake in my life I would think, "Oh, Lord, Please forgive me....I don't want anything bad to happen to me."  I had this image of God in my head.  This huge being who watched and waited for you to screw up, so he could "LAY THE SMACK DOWN".

Now, don't get me wrong.  I understand that we are to fear God, and that fearing God brings an obedience and trust in him.  But that fear that we always speak of is more of a respect that we should have for him.  Because of my fear of God, I never really came to know the LOVE of God.

So every time something would go wrong in my life, I would feel like I was being punished for something I had done wrong.  My first and second miscarriages, my infertility, and then just when things seemed to get better, my dad got sick...and then passed away.  In all these things, it would have seemed that I would have drawn closer to the Lord.  But sadly, instead I went farther from him.  Until finally, one day, I looked around to find that I was lost.  No, I wasn't "lost" as in "not saved"...I was that lamb who'd gone far away from the fold.  And there I sat a midst the thorns, high on the edge of a cliff, with no place to go.

Now class, does anyone know what happens to a lamb who is lost a midst the thorns with no place else to turn?  Well, they begin to holler for their shepherd  "Bah...Bah...Bah!"

So, that's what I did...I began to cry out, "Jesus! Please help me.  I'm lost and can't find my way. I'm scared and I'm angry and I'm broken...and I need something."  And he spoke to me...
And he picked me up, and he told me this. " No matter how far you travel from me, I will always be just a call away."

Since that day, I've been getting to know the LOVE of God. Inthe process, I've found a new love for HIM  and myself and for others. My spiritual strength has begun to grow. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I know, that the next time I find myself a midst the thorns, all I have to do is cry out to Jesus, and he will rescue me...because he loves me.  Yes, we should fear God....yes, we should strive to be like him...but when we fail, (and we will) he will be more likely to reach down to comfort us than he will be to smack us up side the head and toss us out on our keesters....because he loves us.

He never said this life would be easy, but he did say that he would be here to help carry the burden.  I'm so glad he loves me, and friend, he loves you too....even a midst the thorns.

Learning To Breathe...

Some days, it's all I can do to keep from drowning,

I feel it....the sadness...the overwhelming knowledge that,

If I picked up the phone and dialed your number, you wouldn't be there...

Even more so, that someday, my own children might do the same.

I miss you...with every breath.

I have learned from losing you.

How to lean on him when I need strength.

He's more than you every could have wished for me.

He provides.

He loves me.

He loves our children...

He's you...in many ways... he's you.

It's hard to stand sometimes.

On my own.

Sometimes I am unsure of myself,

Of the decisions I've made.

I wonder... "What would he have me do? Is this the right decision?"

But I know that life continues...

We live, we die, and sometimes we get it right.

I hope I'm getting it right.

I'm learning in your absence.

To lean.

To trust.

To breathe.

It isn't easy, but breath by breath, step by step, I am learning.

~Song~ (Switchfoot) 

Learning To Breathe

~This Song Always reminds me of you....

My Bucket List

I have never really been a fan of "the bucket list".  It used to annoy me when someone would say to me, "oh, that's on my bucket list"...."I can check that off my bucket list"... and I have always cringed every single time Tim McGraw's "Live Like You Were Dying" come on the radio.  There's just something about thinking about what you want to do before you die that has always bothered me.  

But.... (Yes, I said it...BUT)  The older I get, the more I think about the things I would like to experience before I leave this world... SO! I'm gonna join the club! Here's my bucket list.

1. Write a book.
2. lose 100 pounds.
3. Become a runner.
4. Open my own Restaurant.
5. Get a tattoo. (On my foot--Of a Cherry Blossom) HEY DON'T JUDGE. (Snicker)
6. Become a successful gardener. (Just like my Grandparent and my parents)
7. Visit Athens, Greece
8. Learn to Water Ski
9. Bungee Jump
10. Learn the Paint like my mom.
11. See the following bands in concert.
• Dave Matthews Band (Cause they are awesome)
• Carolina Liars
• The Eagles (My Dad's favorite)
• City and Colour
• Guns and Roses, The Originals! (Because let's just face it, if that reunion ever happened, it would be AWE-SOME.
12. Renew my wedding vows on the beach, in Hawaii.
13. Retire from my job, and be debt free. 
14. Raise happy, healthy children, and put them through the college of their choice. 

Alright y'all! What's on your bucket list!! (You know you have one!!)

My Not So Girly Baby Girl...

I try really hard to make you girly.  I truly do....

 My mom tried to make me girly.... It didn't work.
 I spent a lot of time, as a matter of fact, trying NOT to be girly.
 T-shirts, jeans, and flip flops were the only wardrobe I knew.
That is until I met your dad
I decided if I wanted to catch him I'd have to try a little harder.
And so I did, but it took great effort!

So, I completely understand when you kick off your pink converse shoes, and yank the pig tales (that took me 25 minutes to fix) down and rub your head, frizzing your hair like a wild woman.  I completely get it when you walk through the door after church yanking at your tights and skirt and shirt until you are completely bare.  I feel your pain, when you frown that just like me frown as I attempt to comb, dry, and style your unruly locks.  Because you my child, are just like me. No question about it.  

You are your mother's child....I see myself in you each day.(Minus the long beautiful fingers with the long beautiful nails.)  You are with out a doubt the most beautiful of all the fair princesses in all the land.  I only hope that you will find your handsome prince, and live happily ever after.  (Messy hair and all)

And So It Begins...

So I've resolved to lose 100 pounds in a year.  That's almost 2 pounds a week for 52 weeks.  My weight has always been a problem.  Even when it wasn't as out of control as it is currently...even when it didn't seem to dawn on others...I knew...I was overweight.

I began gaining weight steadily the year I graduated college. It was also the same year I had my first miscarriage.  I could "say" that that affected me.  That I became depressed, and all that mumbo jumbo. If I said that I'd be lying.  Yes, that probably didn't help much.  The truth is...I got lazy...unfocused.  I had other things on my mind, and well, I dropped the ball.

Most of the time, when I tell someone what I way, they look at me in shock as if I've just punched them in the gut.  Then they frown and say, "No way".  But I know the truth, and sometimes kids, the truth hurts.  I have been up and down between two different outrageous numbers for the last year.  (And those numbers won't be posted on here for my own sanity, thank you)

Lately, I've been feeling my mortality just a little.  I have two babies to think of, and well I don't wanna leave them when they are barely adults like my dad left me.

It's all about work you know, losing weight. It's about work and determination and numbers. You can't do it if you don't really want to.  Do I?  Really want to? Boy, I sure hope so.  Otherwise, I'm wasting my time.

I am really... trying for the faces in the pictures in my posts...I'm trying...they are my life, and they need me at my best.

So far I've lost 5 pounds.  Not too shabby for my first week, huh. Pray for me ya'll, I need it badly.

A Look Back Into My Past....

I remember when I was 16 years old.  I could not wait to be an adult.  I always had this dream, and I know that it was all out of whack compared to what all of my friends wanted.  It was also the total opposite of what my parents wanted.  I wanted to graduate high school, get married, graduate college, and have a baby. IN THAT ORDER.  My mom couldn't understand why on earth I would want to be married during the most critical time of my life.

I needed a career, and I couldn't have a career when I was busy paying bills and running a household.  But that's exactly how I did it. I graduated high school in May 2003, and Daniel and I married in December.  It would have been sooner if I could have done it. I mean we're talking a courthouse, justice of the peace, no attendees type wedding.  I wasn't interested in the wedding...I was interested in the marriage. Broke my parents heart I suppose...my wanting to run off a get married like that.  But my mind was made up, so they went along with it despite their reservations.

I'm not gonna lie to you.  I was in college the entire first 3 years of our marriage, and it took a toll on us.  A few years later, Daniel even admitted to me that there were times he wanted to just throw his hands up and quit. I can't say that I blame him.  Between college, his job, and my job, we hardly had a second to ourselves as an actual married couple. Not to mention the fact that we often struggled, and there were many many nights that I laid awake worrying myself sick over money that we didn't have.

But in the end, we made it...we did exactly what others told us could not be done. (Although it was exactly as hard as everyone said it would be)  That time in my life is one of the most precious times for me looking back.  We were just two kids trying to find our way in the world, and it was hard.  But it was also so exciting, and so new.  I can't say I did it the easy way, but I can say without a doubt I did it my way.  And my way was the best way for me. I wouldn't trade it, and I hope I don't soon forget it. It built my marriage to be what it is today...And I like what it is today.

I can honestly say when I married my Daniel, I married my best friend.  Now that's a rare treasure.....

A Conversation With Caleb Bell...

This morning, my children and I began our errands.  Paying bills and getting groceries is something we do once a week, and most of the time it turns into a one on one conversation with my four year old son.  (Well, he will be four in 11 days.)  The conversation is never something that I'm ready for, and it always leave me wondering, "Where in the world did he come up with that?"

Today was no different. The conversation began as it usually does...with an INNOCENT question. It went a little something like this...

"Mom, is Dan (my mom's husband) your daddy?" Caleb asked. "You know like my dad is my dad and stuff?"
Dan and my mom married about a year after my dad passed away.  Caleb was two.
"No, Caleb, Dan isn't my dad. My dad is in heaven. Dan is my step-dad." I answered.
Caleb thought for a moment, then asked, "Your dad is my poppa, right?"
"Yes, Caleb, that's what you called him." I answered.
"He died right? Like my dog Tonka did, and Grammy's dog, Archie."
"Yep."
Then there was a long silence, and well, it's never good when my boy is quiet for that long. Because he is thinking up a honkin' question that's gonna knock your socks off.
"Momma, do you think that Poppa and Archie and Tonka are all together?" Caleb asked.
"I think so...Maybe they're fishing in the river of Jordan or something."  By this time, I had gotten bored with the conversation and wasn't paying much attention.  But as I looked into the rear view mirror at him, I saw his head was bowed and he was crying.
"Don't cry buddy. It's okay."
"Well I was just thinking we might could call Poppa, so I could call him and tell him I missed him." he sniffed.
"Well Caleb, we can't call heaven. But Jesus is there, and if you ever wanna tell Poppa anything, you just pray to him and I'm sure he'll make sure Poppa gets that message." I tried to comfort him feeling on the verge of tears myself.
"I bet he was a good dad like mine, huh?" he said.
"Yep," I answered.
"Well I hope we can go there someday and be with him and my buddy Tonka." He looked out the window with sad eyes.
"We will, someday. Everyone who love the Lord gets to go." I replied.
Then without a missing a single beat....he said to me..."Mom, when do we get to die?"
Catching me off guard, I stammered a little, then I said, "Caleb, someday we will get to go to heaven, but that day isn't today I don't think. When it's time, God will let us know.  Until then, you just keep praying all your messages to Jesus. K?"
"Okay momma." he smiled. "Can I play the Wii when we get home?"

It amazes me how a four year old child can observe the way they do, and come up with stuff that actually makes sense.  It's also scary that they can ask us things that makes us afraid to answer.  I have a feeling I might need to brush up on my bible studies a little more before our next grocery run, whadoya think ya'll?

Not My Mother's Daughter...

My mom was the world's greatest house keeper.  When I lived at home, there was never a time that I didn't have clean clothes or a hot meal on the table. A square meal...a protein, a vegetable, a starch, and milk.  After dinner, the kitchen was cleaned (Spotless). The laundry was always done when it hit the floor.  The floor, could have been the kitchen table.  She made our house a home. Bedtime was family time. I snuggled in bed with her at least 3 times a week.  My dad would carry to my own bed after I drifted off to sleep listening to my mom read to me.

My mom and Caleb when he was born.

My house, on the other hand, makes my mom's house look like a castle. The living room is always equipped with various toys, which are scattered across the floor.  There is always at least two laundry baskets full of clothes in the corner.  Our bedrooms (all three) look like a tornado hit them 85% of the time. My kitchen is often laughable, and I get angry when my husband invites company over without telling me.  There is ALWAYS a mountain of laundry in my laundry room, and no matter how hard I try, we rarely see the floor.

But there is one thing I get from my mom.  At the present moment, my two children and I are lying in my over sized queen bed, watching The Upside Down Show.  I am listening to them breath in and out, and writing this.  My baby girl is to my right, my boy on my left.  Sometimes one will roll over and put their hand on my cheek and say, "I love you momma". They are the very reason my house is such a mess. After working all day, I'd rather sit with my children in a messy home, than ignore them in a clean one.  Someday I will figure out how my mom juggled a job, our household, and still managed to make me feel special.  Until then, one of these categories is gonna have to be neglected, and I assure you, it won't be my children.

If you have children, be sure their memories of you leave them longing to go back in time.....

If not me, then who?....If not now, then when?

In the beginning I had lots to say.  But a year later finds me in a funk.  I don't  have much to say.  I would rather spend my time in the middle of a story that I'm dying to tell, but scared to death to let someone see.  I have aspired to write a novel since I was in the sixth grade.  Creative writing was my absolute favorite time of the day. But in the sixth grade, you don't spend a lot of time second guessing yourself.  Today, I write a page, and then I spend three hours dissecting every single sentence.  Eventually I crumple it up, and toss it in the trash.

It's the same story.  It's been in there for a while now.  The characters are like old friends, and the place they live is like my own utopia. But I can not get the words out.  Not by laptop, and not on paper. Then I think to myself, "Well, maybe this isn't meant to be."  Then why do these people and this place continue to push themselves into my mind. I can't let them go, and I can't forget them.  

I tried to get help.  I e-mailed the first chapter to a trusted friend who encouraged me to continue with my writing.  That chapter has been deleted, and I started over 13, yes I said it, 13 times since then.  No lie, no exaggeration. It's been said that an artist must suffer for his art.  Well, when does the artist know when to continue to suffer, and when to give up?  Maybe I'm one of those crazy people on American Idol who really really thinks they can sing, except...they really really REALLY can't.  Maybe I really really want to write, but I just can't.  I don't know what's worse, wanting to write and not being able to, or trying to write and feeling like it's not good enough.

I suppose someday I'll find the words to put on paper...but then, who exactly will be there to read it? Especially since I seem to be too scared to let them see....I swear! Whatever happened to jumping in with both feet, and having no fear? Whatever happened to taking a risk?  Maybe....someday....just not today....

Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.

Benjamin Franklin

My Heart Beats...Only For You.

             In all the hearts, in all the houses, in all the world, I'm glad mine is forever tethered to yours....

What a blessing to have someone to travel through life with.

Happy Valentine's Day to all who feel the need to express love to someone they know not just today, but any day!

Standing Still, I Wait Oh Lord....

The owner of this blog is on strike until she gets word from God Almighty as to what her next move should be. 

"Pray Until Something Happens"

Three years ago, when my dad died, I gathered up every single thing that was precious to me and hid it from the Lord.  It's like my faith is gone.  I want to give him all of me.  But I'm terrified to the point of darkness.  I lay in bed last night, and Jesus spoke to me.  Not in a still, small voice. No, in a voice so strong that he could be heard loud and clear.  "When are you gonna trust me again?" He asked.

The thing is, I've tried. But I'm overwhelmed with fear. A paralizing fear that if I trust him with my children, my husband, myself...that he will take them from me. So, I have surrounded myself with distractions to drown out his voice.  But last night, he came looking for me.  And finally, I answered.  It was in a small voice, but still, I answered.  My answer was, "I sure hope so. Could you just show me how?"

I haven't received an answer yet, so I've decided to wait....And get rid of my distractions.  Until then, I'm calling for all the prayer warriors who know me, don't know me, etc. Lift me up unto the heavens, and ask the Lord to give me peace to allow him to move within me so that I might trust him again. 

Song~ Stand Still
THE ISAACS
"The father has a plan. Though it's hard to see it now.  You feel your walking all alone, but he is there no doubt.  When the storm around you rages, and your tossed to and fro. When your faced with life's decisions, not sure which way to go.

Stand still, and let God move.
Standing still is hard to do.
When you feel you have reached the end, he'll make a way for you.
Stand still, and let God move.

When the enemy surrounds you, and the walls are closing in.  When the tide is swiftly rising, and you wonder where he's been.  Friend there never was a moment, that his arms weren't reaching out. You can rest assured and be secure God is moving right now.

Stand still, and let God move.
Standing still is hard to do.
When you feel you have reached the end, he'll make a way for you.
Stand still, and let God move"