What I've Learned: My Cup Runneth Over Part 1 (The Darkness)

I've been a very angry person for the last couple of years.  I've become this person who thinks nasty, hateful things.  I continually make snarky comments whenever I feel like it.  I snap at the slightest sign of conflict.  

I stopped reading my bible a long time ago.  And even before that, I stopped praying.  When my oldest, Caleb, was two, I walked out of a church service during a very LARGE tantrum and never looked back.  When my youngest, Carley, was born, I felt the need to attend a church. 

 So I put them in the car, and drove down the road to the little cross shaped church on the hill.  The one from my childhood.  The one where I was saved.  The one where I was married.  The place I learned about leaning on a fellow christian, and loving your church family like you love your own family.  A few months later, I my husband and I joined, but he works out of town a lot so I rarely went.  

My excuse, was my children.  They were loud, rowdy, and very rambunctious.  It was just easier to stay home.  Truthfully, I didn't want to be there to begin with.  And honestly, it had very little to do with them.  I was mad.  Mad at God for taking my dad away.  Mad at myself for being miserable.  Mad at my mom for re marrying.  Mad at my step-dad for daring to try to be my friend.  The list gets longer and longer.

I tried.  To go through the motions of being a christian.  I was still HIS.  He was still there.  But I was in the darkness.  I had a monkey on my back the size of a boulder.  I could have taken care of it by giving it to him.  But that would have meant coming to terms with my anger, and repenting for my part in it all.  I wasn't ready to do that.  He just sat down beside me and said, "That's okay, I can wait."

And wait he did. He waited....and waited....and waited.  And me, well, I stewed....and sulked...and pouted....and sulked some more.  Every now and then He'd say, "You okay? Need anything?"

"Hmph."  I'd say, as I crossed my arms and tilted my nose to the air. 

Funny how he just seems to patiently wait on his children.  I could never be that patient.

In a nut shell, I've been acting like my two year old who's lost her favorite toy. (I kind of did though) Except he was my best friend.  

Part 2 to come....trust me it's worth the wait. (Especially my church family...you are gonna like this)