On My Salvation and Faithfulness

I got saved when I was very young.  I still remember it like it was yesterday.  We went to church at my great uncle's church.  My mom and her gospel group were singing that night.  It was some time in October, although I don't remember the exact day.  I was either 8 or 9, but I'm not sure exactly which it is, all I know is it was October and I was baptized in April.  My great uncle painted the most real picture of hell that night. I don't remember anyone doing so before or after that day.  I can only assume that it was the holy spirit drawing me in and dealing with me. I didn't go to the alter that night, but we barely made it in the house before I was telling my parents I needed to be saved.  My dad explained the plan of salvation to me, but I remember wishing he would shut up and get on with the praying part because I was scared the rapture would take place before I got the words out of my mouth.  

When we finally knelt at my parents bed side, I don't remember saying a single word.  I distinctly remember that I didn't close my eyes, because I remember seeing my tears hit the railing of my parents bed.  I just remember thinking to myself, "Lord help me, I don't want to go to hell."

I've really struggled with this through out my life, simply because, when you hear someone recount the day of their salvation they can tell it so well.  It's so clear to them.  It's like a picture, and they're the artist.  Sometimes, when the devil really wants to get at me, I feel the doubt creep up in me.  I feel the fear creep into my veins, and I become useless to God.  Because God can't use a doubtful soul, and without faith, it is impossible to please Him.  

There have been many times that I have prayed about this fear that I have.  When I was about 13, I remember lying in bed next to mom and begging her to pray for me because I didn't know if I was saved or not.  And then later, about 19, I remember recounting the entire day of my salvation to my dad as tears ran down my face and asking him if I was missing something.  Then, just before my dad passed away, I awoke from a horrifying dream that I'd died and gone to hell.  I woke my poor husband from a dead sleep and begged him to get on his knees in the bed next to me and pray with me.

All of these times in my life were times when I wasn't particularly close to God.  For one reason or another I was straying or pouting or whatever you want to call it.  But above all else, I was unusable to God.  

That's the way the devil likes us folks.  If he can't keep you from getting saved, he sure as the world is gonna do his best to be sure you don't lead anyone else to salvation.  That's his main goal.  Always has been...and it will be until the very end.

For the past 5 years...I've been pretty useless to God.  I've tried to explain it all away.  I have an excuse for every day of the week.  I have a reason for every missed church service.  I have an excuse for every time I didn't get up and sing when I should have.  I have reason why I didn't try to witness to the man who asked me for spare change in the parking lot of my work that night.  I have an excuse for the time someone asked me what I stood for and I tucked tail and ran.  

But what I can not find an excuse for is why my 5 year old son can't tell me a single thing about Adam and Eve.  He has no idea who Samson and Delilah are.  He doesn't know how David slew Goliath.  And he is 3 years away from the age that I was when I was saved.  In 3 years, it is completely possible that he will be at the age of accountability.  And I am failing him miserably.  

I've tried to blame my laziness on the fact that my children are embarrassingly rowdy in church.  They can't sit still that long. They're cranky.  We don't feel good.  People stare at us and I feel like they're wondering what in the world my problem is and why on earth can't I make my "brats" be quiet for just a little while.  And so, most of the time I opt to stay home.  It's a shame.  It truly is...

This week I made a goal to make sure my children made it to our Vacation Bible School, and that on the days I didn't work, I made it there with them. I expected them to learn a great deal this week, but what I didn't expect was learning something myself....

TO BE CONTINUED....