A Day With My Grandma...

When I was just a little girl, I prayed a prayer for you.  I asked God to never let you die, because I would miss you if you ever left me.  I loved you so very much, and I couldn't bear the thought of not having you around.  I'm not sure why God never let me forget that little prayer I prayed for you that day, but he didn't.  And now that you're old and your mind is betraying you, and I feel a great sense of despair that my prayer has caused you pain somehow.

Your life has been so full of trouble.  You have watched so many people that you love go before you.  Your parents, your infant child, your first husband, your siblings, and then dad...Your heart has been broken with every passing, and yet it beats on within your body.  And now I can see how you feel trapped within it.

"If I could just get out of this place, and leave!" You say. "If I could just get well!"
"I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes!", "I don't know why God doesn't just take me. I wish I could just die"

But then you look at me with sad, confused eyes, and ask me where your mom went.  You wonder why my dad hasn't visited today.  Then you point out he must be busy working.  Surely he would come if he weren't working.

You cry to me like never before.  You refuse food.  You hope to die....and yet you live.

And I ask myself, "Why?  Why has God allowed your mind to be stolen away from you like this?"
Because, I can handle sickness.  I have stared death right in the eyes, and haven't even flinched as I watch a life drift into eternity.  I know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that beyond this there is more.  I can handle death...although begrudgingly...I handle death.  I understand it. I could accept it.  A necessary means to an end. It would hurt me, but I could grieve.

But I can't understand this...
I can't fight this for you.
I can't watch you be stolen from me piece by piece...minute by minute...
I don't know how to help you.
So I just sit here with you.
Silently watching you.
Staring into your eyes.
Watching you stare back into mine.
Knowing that this is all I can do.

Tears roll down your face as you look into my eyes.
"I just want to go home."
I hear the desperation in your voice.
 "I just pray sometimes, to go home."
And suddenly I'm praying too...
For your mind to find clarity.
For your heart to be unbroken.
For you to get to go home.