Being a Mom...

Some days being a mom is easy...fun...incredibly rewarding.  You get to lick the beaters while the cake bakes, and the bowl, and the icing spoon (and you get to share with your best friends in the world...your kids)  You get to play with water guns in the house.  You get to watch cartoons and play couch potato on Saturday mornings, and stay up late on Friday nights.  Being a mom can be fun.

Some days being a mom is rewarding.  When your child says "Momma" for the very first time.  When he or she calls you back into their room after bed time just to say, "I love you". Or when they write their name in bright green marker on your pretty white trim, but all you can see is that they wrote their name.  Being a mom, is rewarding.

But some times, and more often than not, being a mom...is hard.  

It's hard when you walk your child into a room full of strangers, and hand him or her off to them.  It's hard to smile at them and tell them they will be fine, and you will see them soon. Making the decisions that are right for your child, even when you know that that decision might cause them pain...is hard.  It's the worst part of being a parent that I have ever encountered.

When I spent those 2 years struggling to conceive a child...it never once crossed my mind how hard it would be.  All I could see in that moment, was the second that I laid eyes on my child.  All I could think of, was that my life was not complete without my children....one boy and one girl...  I didn't know it would be this hard. And it is, EXACTLY as hard as your momma told you it would be.  And it is as scary as your dad said it would be.  And it is as expensive and exhausting and draining as EVERY ONE warned you it would be.  Being. A. MOM. Is. HARD.....

But it is absolutely the only job I will ever care about doing as long as I live.  And it is without a doubt the most fun time I will ever have.  And it is hands down the best decision I've ever made in my entire life.  (Even above marrying my husband, who by the way feels the exact same way, I'm sure) So, on this day, when my child is in so much pain.  On this day, when I am terrified to close my eyes because they might need me.  I remember that this is the job that I signed up for, and this is the life that I asked for.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

Being a mom is EVERYTHING. 

Welcome Back Kotter

It's been a good 3 months since I've even looked at my blog.  It's not that I've been avoiding it, it's just that...well, I've been avoiding it. I've been having a time.  Caleb started school in August, and since then has had 3 bouts of Strep.  His tonsils and adenoids are to be remove this Tuesday.  So hopefully he will feel better soon.

The doctors are very concerned in the drop in my energy level, and coincidentally my white blood count. So, for the last few weeks I've been poked and prodded and re poked whenever they see fit.  They've determined anemia, but they have "further testing" they want to do to make sure it's nothing more.  I just want  to "want" to shower. But most days I just opt for bath so I don't have to stand.

I'm also extremely grumpy of late.  Home life gets to you when don't really have the energy to do anything more than walk to the kitchen and back to the couch.  Even my job is a task.  I think, "Why does this stupid time clock have to be so darn far away."  I love my job, but if I could do it while sleeping, I would like it much more.

 Carley has turned into Oscar the Grouch lately, and while it's a little cute at times, mostly it's just annoying.  My two year old tells me what shoes she will wear, what she will eat, what she will not eat, etc. And whenever she gets in trouble she just smiles her sweet smile and says, "I not do nothing, it Caleb."  Yeah, I know, cute huh?



So anyway, I kind of turned into a robot.  Get up, drop kids at school and babysitter, go to work, eat, go home, bathe the kids, put kids in the bed, sleep, wake up and repeat the next day.  And then tonight after picking up my kids from their grandparents' house we were driving home, Caleb from the back seat says, "Hey, mom look at those Christmas lights."  (He was speaking of the lights in the town square.)
Then Carley says, "Aw pretty Momma."

And it reminded me, that no matter how hectic life gets, we should always take time to enjoy the little things in life. Even if it is just Christmas lights.  So we took a detour.  In an abandoned town square my children and I rolled down the windows and cranked up the heater and enjoyed the Christmas lights.  Oddly enough, the Welcome Back Kotter theme song popped into my head right at that time.  I guess it was my subconscious way of telling me I needed to snap out of this fog. And all it took was two little babies, and some twinkling lights.

Enjoy the little things...they are gone far too quickly.



Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back! :~)

Caleb Goes to School

It took me a little over 2 years to get my Caleb here.  I fasted and prayed for him.  I worked diligently, and followed the doctor's orders to a "T".  I worked hard to get him here.  I remember feeling a sense of relief when he was born.  After 2 miscarriages, I didn't trust my body to do what it was supposed to do.  Now I know that it wasn't my body I should've been focusing on, it was God's promise to work everything to my good.  

The day Caleb was born, all I really remember is holding him and thinking, "Finally. You're finally here. Welcome to my world baby boy.  You've won me, heart and soul."

Since that day, I have spent little time away from him.  At times he and I have battled it out with no sign of either of us surrendering.  We've spent time deep in conversation about dead doggies and Poppas that can't be remembered and why the moon hides from us sometimes. He has the biggest heart, and most compassion that I've ever seen in a four year old.

This morning, I watched him greet his teacher, and wave bye to me.  He's still mine, probably always will be.  But today...I'm sitting in my big chair that he and I sit in every morning feeling empty.  My baby boy is growing up...and all I can say is...."Slow down...I'm not ready."

What I've Learned...My Cup Runneth Over Part 2 (Into the Light)

Slowly, I began to realize that no matter how mad I was, or how angry...HE wasn't going anywhere.  When I realized that, it began to chip away at my heart. He began putting people in my path that reminded me that he hadn't left me, including my children.

I wrote a blog a few months ago, about my dad and how hard I was trying to accept the loss.  Upon writing it, (almost immediately) I received a phone call from someone that I've always looked up to.  She was inviting me to speak at a local ladies' conference.  She said God told her I had something to say.  My mind said no, but my mouth and heart said yes. And another chip fell from my heart. And I prayed, and then I picked up my bible.

A few days later, one of my best friends called to tell me that the Lord had saved her. Although I was happy for her...because I wasn't where I needed to be with HIM, I couldn't truly rejoice.  So I went home and cried out to God.  "Please God, help me.  I'm ready to talk.  Don't hide from me."  Almost immediately a bible passage popped into my head.  "Those who seek me, shall find me."

Just after that, a friend from church called to ask me if she could take my kids to bible school.  It convicted me.  I knew that I should be the one taking my kids to bible school.  I knew that I wasn't doing my job.  And another chip fell. But this friend...she encouraged me.  She took my kids on the nights that I worked and then encouraged me to come when I could.  And while I was there, not one person said anything about my absence in the last few months.  But they did tell me how good it was to see me and my children.  And another chip fell.

So the next Sunday that I didn't work, I got my kids up and we went down the road to that little church.  The whole way I prayed..."Lord, please please please don't let my kids embarrass me."  We sat through the entire service, and they were wild and crazy kids....but you know what. No one said a word, except how great it was that we were there.  So that night, I went again.  This time, it wasn't so bad. The kids were just a little bit rowdy.  

It was just enough for me to hear Preacher Jeff speak about how important it is to raise your family in church.  And all of the sudden...there he was.  Sitting next to me, "well, are you ready?" 

I'm telling you right now. If I could have RAN to that alter at that second I would have.  (Actually, I probably could have except I wasn't sure if they would think I was crazy or not) When the alter call was given, though, I did go.  And the rest of the pieces just fell away.

That was the day I learned this:

The devil will do his best to not only alienate you from God, but also from your church family.  Your church family is there for you to lean on when you need it.  They are there to help you, and encourage you.  You just have to be humble enough to ask for help when it's needed.  

And God, is there even when you can't feel him.  He never leaves us.  

Since that exact moment...my cup has been over flowing.  God has opened doors to me, and I can see now so clearly His hand guiding me where I thought I was alone.  I am not alone.  I am so far from alone.  And I don't care who knows...I am gonna make sure that from now on, my life is a model for my children and my heart is a home for my Saviour.  

What I've Learned: My Cup Runneth Over Part 1 (The Darkness)

I've been a very angry person for the last couple of years.  I've become this person who thinks nasty, hateful things.  I continually make snarky comments whenever I feel like it.  I snap at the slightest sign of conflict.  

I stopped reading my bible a long time ago.  And even before that, I stopped praying.  When my oldest, Caleb, was two, I walked out of a church service during a very LARGE tantrum and never looked back.  When my youngest, Carley, was born, I felt the need to attend a church. 

 So I put them in the car, and drove down the road to the little cross shaped church on the hill.  The one from my childhood.  The one where I was saved.  The one where I was married.  The place I learned about leaning on a fellow christian, and loving your church family like you love your own family.  A few months later, I my husband and I joined, but he works out of town a lot so I rarely went.  

My excuse, was my children.  They were loud, rowdy, and very rambunctious.  It was just easier to stay home.  Truthfully, I didn't want to be there to begin with.  And honestly, it had very little to do with them.  I was mad.  Mad at God for taking my dad away.  Mad at myself for being miserable.  Mad at my mom for re marrying.  Mad at my step-dad for daring to try to be my friend.  The list gets longer and longer.

I tried.  To go through the motions of being a christian.  I was still HIS.  He was still there.  But I was in the darkness.  I had a monkey on my back the size of a boulder.  I could have taken care of it by giving it to him.  But that would have meant coming to terms with my anger, and repenting for my part in it all.  I wasn't ready to do that.  He just sat down beside me and said, "That's okay, I can wait."

And wait he did. He waited....and waited....and waited.  And me, well, I stewed....and sulked...and pouted....and sulked some more.  Every now and then He'd say, "You okay? Need anything?"

"Hmph."  I'd say, as I crossed my arms and tilted my nose to the air. 

Funny how he just seems to patiently wait on his children.  I could never be that patient.

In a nut shell, I've been acting like my two year old who's lost her favorite toy. (I kind of did though) Except he was my best friend.  

Part 2 to come....trust me it's worth the wait. (Especially my church family...you are gonna like this)

Coming Out of the Dark

All I know is, he's changed my frame of mind.

I've been walking around, with my head down.
Soul aching,
Heart breaking,
Knees shaking,
Ready to quit,
Completely OVER it.

And then Jesus passed by.
He said, "Child, why do you cry?"
And then He opened up my eyes.
And completely changed my heart and mind.

I've always known Him,
But now I SEE Him.
I've always loved Him,
But now I have a relationship with Him.
I've always prayed to him,
But now, He speaks to me.

He knows my name,
And He works everything to my good.
Mends broken hearts,
Heals the broken souls,
Renews the strength of the weak.

Thanks you Lord for being near me.

                                       Jesus Friend Of Sinners - BY Casting Crowns

A Midst The Thorns....(Getting to Know the Love of Christ)

When I was a little girl, I learned that you should FEAR God.  It was in ever sermon I had ever heard.  It could have been because the Lord was preparing me to accept salvation, or it could have been that I just paid more attention to that one thing.  In any case, it seemed that although I had completely grasped the concept of a wrathful and chastising God...I simply missed the most important thing that God gives us.  His Love...

When I was 9 years old, I came to my mother after a church service during which hell was made real to me. I was so scare of dying that night.  There, at my parents bedside, I asked Jesus to save me.  From that day on, I tried my very best to serve him, but I never got to KNOW him.  Every time I would make a mistake in my life I would think, "Oh, Lord, Please forgive me....I don't want anything bad to happen to me."  I had this image of God in my head.  This huge being who watched and waited for you to screw up, so he could "LAY THE SMACK DOWN".

Now, don't get me wrong.  I understand that we are to fear God, and that fearing God brings an obedience and trust in him.  But that fear that we always speak of is more of a respect that we should have for him.  Because of my fear of God, I never really came to know the LOVE of God.

So every time something would go wrong in my life, I would feel like I was being punished for something I had done wrong.  My first and second miscarriages, my infertility, and then just when things seemed to get better, my dad got sick...and then passed away.  In all these things, it would have seemed that I would have drawn closer to the Lord.  But sadly, instead I went farther from him.  Until finally, one day, I looked around to find that I was lost.  No, I wasn't "lost" as in "not saved"...I was that lamb who'd gone far away from the fold.  And there I sat a midst the thorns, high on the edge of a cliff, with no place to go.

Now class, does anyone know what happens to a lamb who is lost a midst the thorns with no place else to turn?  Well, they begin to holler for their shepherd  "Bah...Bah...Bah!"

So, that's what I did...I began to cry out, "Jesus! Please help me.  I'm lost and can't find my way. I'm scared and I'm angry and I'm broken...and I need something."  And he spoke to me...
And he picked me up, and he told me this. " No matter how far you travel from me, I will always be just a call away."

Since that day, I've been getting to know the LOVE of God. Inthe process, I've found a new love for HIM  and myself and for others. My spiritual strength has begun to grow. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel.  I know, that the next time I find myself a midst the thorns, all I have to do is cry out to Jesus, and he will rescue me...because he loves me.  Yes, we should fear God....yes, we should strive to be like him...but when we fail, (and we will) he will be more likely to reach down to comfort us than he will be to smack us up side the head and toss us out on our keesters....because he loves us.

He never said this life would be easy, but he did say that he would be here to help carry the burden.  I'm so glad he loves me, and friend, he loves you too....even a midst the thorns.