And So It Begins...

So I've resolved to lose 100 pounds in a year.  That's almost 2 pounds a week for 52 weeks.  My weight has always been a problem.  Even when it wasn't as out of control as it is currently...even when it didn't seem to dawn on others...I knew...I was overweight.

I began gaining weight steadily the year I graduated college. It was also the same year I had my first miscarriage.  I could "say" that that affected me.  That I became depressed, and all that mumbo jumbo. If I said that I'd be lying.  Yes, that probably didn't help much.  The truth is...I got lazy...unfocused.  I had other things on my mind, and well, I dropped the ball.

Most of the time, when I tell someone what I way, they look at me in shock as if I've just punched them in the gut.  Then they frown and say, "No way".  But I know the truth, and sometimes kids, the truth hurts.  I have been up and down between two different outrageous numbers for the last year.  (And those numbers won't be posted on here for my own sanity, thank you)

Lately, I've been feeling my mortality just a little.  I have two babies to think of, and well I don't wanna leave them when they are barely adults like my dad left me.

It's all about work you know, losing weight. It's about work and determination and numbers. You can't do it if you don't really want to.  Do I?  Really want to? Boy, I sure hope so.  Otherwise, I'm wasting my time.

I am really... trying for the faces in the pictures in my posts...I'm trying...they are my life, and they need me at my best.

So far I've lost 5 pounds.  Not too shabby for my first week, huh. Pray for me ya'll, I need it badly.

A Look Back Into My Past....

I remember when I was 16 years old.  I could not wait to be an adult.  I always had this dream, and I know that it was all out of whack compared to what all of my friends wanted.  It was also the total opposite of what my parents wanted.  I wanted to graduate high school, get married, graduate college, and have a baby. IN THAT ORDER.  My mom couldn't understand why on earth I would want to be married during the most critical time of my life.

I needed a career, and I couldn't have a career when I was busy paying bills and running a household.  But that's exactly how I did it. I graduated high school in May 2003, and Daniel and I married in December.  It would have been sooner if I could have done it. I mean we're talking a courthouse, justice of the peace, no attendees type wedding.  I wasn't interested in the wedding...I was interested in the marriage. Broke my parents heart I suppose...my wanting to run off a get married like that.  But my mind was made up, so they went along with it despite their reservations.

I'm not gonna lie to you.  I was in college the entire first 3 years of our marriage, and it took a toll on us.  A few years later, Daniel even admitted to me that there were times he wanted to just throw his hands up and quit. I can't say that I blame him.  Between college, his job, and my job, we hardly had a second to ourselves as an actual married couple. Not to mention the fact that we often struggled, and there were many many nights that I laid awake worrying myself sick over money that we didn't have.

But in the end, we made it...we did exactly what others told us could not be done. (Although it was exactly as hard as everyone said it would be)  That time in my life is one of the most precious times for me looking back.  We were just two kids trying to find our way in the world, and it was hard.  But it was also so exciting, and so new.  I can't say I did it the easy way, but I can say without a doubt I did it my way.  And my way was the best way for me. I wouldn't trade it, and I hope I don't soon forget it. It built my marriage to be what it is today...And I like what it is today.

I can honestly say when I married my Daniel, I married my best friend.  Now that's a rare treasure.....

A Conversation With Caleb Bell...

This morning, my children and I began our errands.  Paying bills and getting groceries is something we do once a week, and most of the time it turns into a one on one conversation with my four year old son.  (Well, he will be four in 11 days.)  The conversation is never something that I'm ready for, and it always leave me wondering, "Where in the world did he come up with that?"

Today was no different. The conversation began as it usually does...with an INNOCENT question. It went a little something like this...

"Mom, is Dan (my mom's husband) your daddy?" Caleb asked. "You know like my dad is my dad and stuff?"
Dan and my mom married about a year after my dad passed away.  Caleb was two.
"No, Caleb, Dan isn't my dad. My dad is in heaven. Dan is my step-dad." I answered.
Caleb thought for a moment, then asked, "Your dad is my poppa, right?"
"Yes, Caleb, that's what you called him." I answered.
"He died right? Like my dog Tonka did, and Grammy's dog, Archie."
"Yep."
Then there was a long silence, and well, it's never good when my boy is quiet for that long. Because he is thinking up a honkin' question that's gonna knock your socks off.
"Momma, do you think that Poppa and Archie and Tonka are all together?" Caleb asked.
"I think so...Maybe they're fishing in the river of Jordan or something."  By this time, I had gotten bored with the conversation and wasn't paying much attention.  But as I looked into the rear view mirror at him, I saw his head was bowed and he was crying.
"Don't cry buddy. It's okay."
"Well I was just thinking we might could call Poppa, so I could call him and tell him I missed him." he sniffed.
"Well Caleb, we can't call heaven. But Jesus is there, and if you ever wanna tell Poppa anything, you just pray to him and I'm sure he'll make sure Poppa gets that message." I tried to comfort him feeling on the verge of tears myself.
"I bet he was a good dad like mine, huh?" he said.
"Yep," I answered.
"Well I hope we can go there someday and be with him and my buddy Tonka." He looked out the window with sad eyes.
"We will, someday. Everyone who love the Lord gets to go." I replied.
Then without a missing a single beat....he said to me..."Mom, when do we get to die?"
Catching me off guard, I stammered a little, then I said, "Caleb, someday we will get to go to heaven, but that day isn't today I don't think. When it's time, God will let us know.  Until then, you just keep praying all your messages to Jesus. K?"
"Okay momma." he smiled. "Can I play the Wii when we get home?"

It amazes me how a four year old child can observe the way they do, and come up with stuff that actually makes sense.  It's also scary that they can ask us things that makes us afraid to answer.  I have a feeling I might need to brush up on my bible studies a little more before our next grocery run, whadoya think ya'll?

Not My Mother's Daughter...

My mom was the world's greatest house keeper.  When I lived at home, there was never a time that I didn't have clean clothes or a hot meal on the table. A square meal...a protein, a vegetable, a starch, and milk.  After dinner, the kitchen was cleaned (Spotless). The laundry was always done when it hit the floor.  The floor, could have been the kitchen table.  She made our house a home. Bedtime was family time. I snuggled in bed with her at least 3 times a week.  My dad would carry to my own bed after I drifted off to sleep listening to my mom read to me.

My mom and Caleb when he was born.

My house, on the other hand, makes my mom's house look like a castle. The living room is always equipped with various toys, which are scattered across the floor.  There is always at least two laundry baskets full of clothes in the corner.  Our bedrooms (all three) look like a tornado hit them 85% of the time. My kitchen is often laughable, and I get angry when my husband invites company over without telling me.  There is ALWAYS a mountain of laundry in my laundry room, and no matter how hard I try, we rarely see the floor.

But there is one thing I get from my mom.  At the present moment, my two children and I are lying in my over sized queen bed, watching The Upside Down Show.  I am listening to them breath in and out, and writing this.  My baby girl is to my right, my boy on my left.  Sometimes one will roll over and put their hand on my cheek and say, "I love you momma". They are the very reason my house is such a mess. After working all day, I'd rather sit with my children in a messy home, than ignore them in a clean one.  Someday I will figure out how my mom juggled a job, our household, and still managed to make me feel special.  Until then, one of these categories is gonna have to be neglected, and I assure you, it won't be my children.

If you have children, be sure their memories of you leave them longing to go back in time.....

If not me, then who?....If not now, then when?

In the beginning I had lots to say.  But a year later finds me in a funk.  I don't  have much to say.  I would rather spend my time in the middle of a story that I'm dying to tell, but scared to death to let someone see.  I have aspired to write a novel since I was in the sixth grade.  Creative writing was my absolute favorite time of the day. But in the sixth grade, you don't spend a lot of time second guessing yourself.  Today, I write a page, and then I spend three hours dissecting every single sentence.  Eventually I crumple it up, and toss it in the trash.

It's the same story.  It's been in there for a while now.  The characters are like old friends, and the place they live is like my own utopia. But I can not get the words out.  Not by laptop, and not on paper. Then I think to myself, "Well, maybe this isn't meant to be."  Then why do these people and this place continue to push themselves into my mind. I can't let them go, and I can't forget them.  

I tried to get help.  I e-mailed the first chapter to a trusted friend who encouraged me to continue with my writing.  That chapter has been deleted, and I started over 13, yes I said it, 13 times since then.  No lie, no exaggeration. It's been said that an artist must suffer for his art.  Well, when does the artist know when to continue to suffer, and when to give up?  Maybe I'm one of those crazy people on American Idol who really really thinks they can sing, except...they really really REALLY can't.  Maybe I really really want to write, but I just can't.  I don't know what's worse, wanting to write and not being able to, or trying to write and feeling like it's not good enough.

I suppose someday I'll find the words to put on paper...but then, who exactly will be there to read it? Especially since I seem to be too scared to let them see....I swear! Whatever happened to jumping in with both feet, and having no fear? Whatever happened to taking a risk?  Maybe....someday....just not today....

Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.

Benjamin Franklin

My Heart Beats...Only For You.

             In all the hearts, in all the houses, in all the world, I'm glad mine is forever tethered to yours....

What a blessing to have someone to travel through life with.

Happy Valentine's Day to all who feel the need to express love to someone they know not just today, but any day!