Love Is A Choice...

Someone once told me that love was a choice. I took that to heart. So the day I married Daniel, I knew he was my choice. I chose to love him. As I have done every single day since the day I said "I Do". Some days this choice is easy. On the days of waking up at 9 AM after a night of uninterrupted sleep . On the days when life is simple, and love easy.  Those are the days that seem like a fairytale. Those are the days that it seems no choice is necessary.

Other days the choice seems harder to make. On days when we feel a million miles apart, and there isn't a single thing that goes right for us. The days when one has pushed the others button to the point of no return, then we both realize we have no idea why we are arguing in the first place. Days when we hardly say two words to one another until we say goodnight.  And even on those days I choose to love him, and I am so very blessed to know that he has gracefully paid me the same courtesy.

Truthfully, I choose it all, the good, the bad, and the ugly. No matter how hard or easy that choice is on whatever day, I will always choose to love him. Because years and years and years ago, before I even existed, a great man looked through time and saw me. He saw every single solitary mistake I would ever make. He saw every flaw and every weakness, and yet he chose to love me. Jesus chose to love me, and die for me. And I believe he expects nothing less of us to whomever he has chosen for us to spend our lives with.

I'm sure that without a doubt the choice will become harder for each of us as we grow older.  In growing older, we will change. Life will make us jaded in so many different ways.  Even now, I can see the differences in us compared to 10 years ago. I see new things about my husband that make me fall deeper and deeper in love with him. Like the first time I watched him hold our children. I have also found new faults in him, as I'm sure he has found many in me as well. But even then, I choose to love him.

Because LOVE is not a fairytale. Love is hard. Love is working together to make the parties involved happier. Love is about showing up for all of the hard things in life, and never being alone in anything. Love is a choice to always be that person's #1 fan, for the rest of your life.

(Quote from the Movie Fireproof)

"The sad part about it is, when most people promise for better or for worse, they really only mean for the better."

Never Give Up On Me....

When I was 9 years old, I gave my heart to Jesus. One night, after a church service, I knelt at my parents bed and gave my life to Him. All I remember was crying and watching the tears hit the bed rails while my daddy prayed for me. I have since then wrestled with that moment asking myself if God really saved me at that moment. I don't remember saying anything, all I remember were my tears.

The thing about the devil is, he works through our weaknesses. He thrives in our failure. He destroys all things good. He is at the center of all things evil. He will drive a wedge between man and God if he can. He can produce fear in the heart of any christian. He has brought down even the greatest men of God. The devil is a foe that we should never underestimate. He can steel everything from us if we let him.

I have love the Lord my entire life. My mom and dad have been taking me to church since I was one. I have always wanted to sing and uplift his name. And then it happened. I can't really tell you exactly how. All I know is, one trial happened after another and another and another. And one day, I looked in the mirror and all I could see was an angry, disappointed, alone little girl looking back at me.

First I miscarried my first baby, then the next baby, and then I went through an entire year of infertility. And just when I thought it was getting better, (When i got pregnant with Caleb and was able to carry him) we found out my dad had cancer. The day I sat in that Doctor's office, and listened to a man hand my dad a death sentence, was the day I dropped my cross...

I had never been so heartbroken in my entire life. I saw no hope. Anywhere. I have never been the same since that day. It's almost as if I have lost my way, and I just don't know my way back. I know Jesus is still there for me, I feel him comforting me when I cry. Even as I write this, as I cry, I can feel him with me. But I am not the same little girl who loved Jesus without question. Now all I seem to do is question. I have lost my fire. I have lost my fight.

If ever I have needed prayer, this would be the time. I can not raise my children to truly serve the Lord if I can not lead by example. I can  not let the devil win.

Today of all days is the hardest. It's been two years today since my daddy left us. And still all I can remember are my tears...

Song from the movie "Facing the Giants"
Never Give Up On Me


Time after time you've been left behind,
Like the sun when It's starting to rain.
Time after time, you've been forgotten
Like a picture that's faded with age
Time after time you ran after me when I was still running away.

But you never give up on me,
no you never give up on me,
Though I'm weak you are strong
You told me I still belong
No you never, never give up on me.

Time after time I've used your grace
As a way to do what I please
Taken for granted prayers that you've answered
And Never been all i could be
You are holding our your hand,
And now I clearly see.

You never give up on me
No you never give up on me
thought I'm weak you are strong
You told me I still belong
No you never never give up on me.

You always erase, all my mistakes,
You pick me up when I'm down,
Through all the ages,
Your love never changes,
 You welcome me just as I am.



My Mother's Love

Mother's Day never really meant that much to me before I became a mother. I mean, Yes, I gave my mom a gift and thanked her for everything she did for me, but I never truly appreciated her until I looked into the eyes of my own children.

I can not fully express gratitude to my mom on this Mother's Day weekend until I share with you the path I traveled to get to where I am as a mother myself. So please, bare with me.

Today, May 6th, marks five years since I had my first miscarriage.  I was exactly 8 weeks along.  This day, five years ago, was probably the most devastating day of my entire life. Not just because I lost a baby, and was disappointed. This was the day that I realized what it was to be a mom.

Now, you might argue with me on this, and that is fine. We are all entitle to our beliefs of fetuses and what not. And so today and only today I will share with you my opinion on how I learned to appreciate my mom.

On this day, I watched as my dream of meeting my child was ripped from me.  My baby, was gone...in heaven...waiting to meet me someday. My mom picked me up off of that ultrasound table, took me home, and made me a ham sandwich while I lay in my daddy's recliner and cried. She held me, and soothed me. She helped me mourn my loss. I knew she was the only person in the world that knew my pain. Because I was her daughter, and when I hurt...she hurt.

After this day, I went on to suffer yet another miscarriage, followed by one year of infertility. This is where God stepped in to teach me my lesson. He brought me to a passage in the bible that told of the young woman named Hannah, who wanted a child more than anything else in the world. She went to the temple to pray, and while she was there, her prayer became so passionate and so honest that she spake with her heart and not her mouth. I believe Hannah's heart was so broken that the words could not escape her, and so she cried out with her heart instead. She made a vow to God that if he would only give her a child, that she would give him back to serve him all of the day's of his life. God granted her wish, and she went away no longer troubled. And of course, God answered her prayer. 

So, I decided to be like Hannah, and one day I told my mom, that I had prayed to God, and asked him if he would only grant me a child that I would raise him to love and honor him all the days of his life.  Instead, God blessed me with TWO wonderful babies. And he honors our agreement even to this day. Even when I waiver, he is faithful to forgive me.

And that brings me to now.  On this day, when I think of those two babies I never met, yet still love. I realize how very much my mom loves me. You can never know this love until you are indeed a mom (or dad). So I don't need to ask her, " Mom, how much do you love me?" I already know.

She loved me before she knew me.  Even before I existed. She would die for me. She strives for my happiness. When I am sad, she is sad. When I hurt, she hurts. She loves me more than anyone can ever imagine.

I know this because I love my kids exactly the same. (Thanks to her)

So, thank you mom. For loving me in spite of myself. For holding me while I;ve cried, even as an adult. Thank you for loving me more and deeper than anyone else on this earth ever could. Your life has been devoted to me since the day I was born. And I love you for everything you have ever done.
Happy Mother's Day.