On My Salvation and Faithfulness (Part 2)

Isn't it funny how God puts us right where we need to be, so we can get the exact answers we need to get at exactly the time he wants us to get them?  I've been walking around for years with this nagging at my heart.  This little bit of doubt that I couldn't squash. Someone told me once that maybe instead of asking God, "Why?", perhaps I should be asking God, "What should I be learning from this."

I kept wondering, "Why is it that everyone else has this perfect story.  This "AhA!! moment that they can recount whenever they feel like it. And I'm sitting here all, "Well, I don't know, I love the Lord and I want to serve him. I was sorry for my sins. I believe everything I'm supposed to believe. I didn't speak the words aloud. And ever since that day, I've never been moved by the holy spirit to ask to be saved again."....What am I supposed to be learning from this.  Why is it so easy for others and yet so very difficult for me?

The devil uses our weaknesses. He works by fear.  He feeds on it. And if we let it, it can consume us.  I know this, I've been taught this since the day that I accepted Christ into my heart.  And yet, I allowed Satan to defeat me with fear.  Many nights, I would pray, "God, if I'm not saved please save me."

Did you know that God sees into our hearts?  He knows our intentions before we even know them ourselves.  He knows every single tear that comes out of our eyes, and he counts them.  We matter to him.  Salvation, is a gift.  It isn't a hidden treasure that's been buried somewhere deep in the mountains.  We don't need a map to find it.  We don't have to fight for it.  It's right in front of us...always.

All week long, Tommy, our bible school teacher, has been teaching about the Holy Ghost.


John 14:16-17 (King James Version)

16 And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever;

17 Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.

This is the first thing I learned.  The holy spirit, not only is apart of the holy trinity, but the holy spirit is a "he", not an "it".  This was particularly important to me because while I've always believed in the holy trinity, I've never understood it much. And honestly, I never really expected to understand it at all until this week. 

Now that I can identify that the Holy Spirit is a person, just like God and Jesus.  I understand this: the Holy Spirit loves us, hears us, watches over us, just like God does...just like Jesus does. Are you still with me?? 

Something else that I learned is that God hears us even when we feel like we can't get a prayer past the ceiling, let alone all the way to heaven. When I heard this part, it was like God put me right back there at that bed side where I'd accepted him.  That little girl with eyes opened while her parents prayed beside her, with the tears that hit the bed railing....her heart pounding...speaking for her where she couldn't find the words.  I realized right then that the holy spirit was right there next to me.  God had sent him there.  He told me so in John 14:16.

So here it is folks...almost 20 years later...my AHA! moment.  Forgive me, because it's still hard for me to put into words.  It was as though God was sitting right next to me showing me all of the ways he's worked in my life.  From that day on up til now.  In high school when all my friends were taking the broad road, and I decided to follow the narrow path way.  The day God lead me to my husband, and showed me that he was my mate.  When I prayed and prayed for a child, and God granted me my desire.  Every single time I stood up in church to sing, or give a testimony, the devil told me it was all for show and that I was a fake.  But he was wrong.  God really did all those those things for me, and I sang because he gave me my voice and I loved him. A lost soul doesn't love God...he can't love God...and I really really love God. I'm saved.  And although I've been making excuses for why I can't do this or that, He still loves me.  My faith had just faltered. But here's what I forgot...
(Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.)

He loves me.  All day, every day, no matter what...He loves me.  He loved me then, He loves me now, and everywhere in between.  It's a gift...just like my salvation.  It's free, and unconditional. And praise His name, I'm so glad I went to bible school this week.  Because I learned more sitting in that pew in a few days than I could have ever learned in the last 20 years.

Now I'm not saying that you aren't gonna find me some day, needing some encouragement. Or that some Sundays, I might just feel defeated enough to stay home.  But, all I can say is...it's time for me to stop allowing the devil to make me useless to God.  It's time I started fighting for my childrens' future, because no one else will.  It's time I took control of my life, and stopped letting the devil make me paralyzed with fear.

I've been praying about how he can use me.  This is what I feel lead to do.

From now on.  Even if I don't post any other blogs...Once a week, I am going to post about a topic that I've been studying in my bible with my kids.  It's a way for me to learn, and to teach them.  I would really enjoy all of my readers' participation, either by facebook or through blogging.  I'm really not sure of the details yet, but I know that God wants me to do this. So, I'm gonna do it.  Look for my updates! And if anyone would like to help me out by giving me some topics to study, please comment below.

By the way, the next time you see my oldest, Caleb, asking him about Adam and Eve.  We talked about them Tuesday night.  If you see my daughter, Carley, ask her about Jesus.  She will tell you that he died on a cross, and He loves us.  Now, I call that progress.  (or a slap in the devil's face, whichever you would prefer) 

On My Salvation and Faithfulness

I got saved when I was very young.  I still remember it like it was yesterday.  We went to church at my great uncle's church.  My mom and her gospel group were singing that night.  It was some time in October, although I don't remember the exact day.  I was either 8 or 9, but I'm not sure exactly which it is, all I know is it was October and I was baptized in April.  My great uncle painted the most real picture of hell that night. I don't remember anyone doing so before or after that day.  I can only assume that it was the holy spirit drawing me in and dealing with me. I didn't go to the alter that night, but we barely made it in the house before I was telling my parents I needed to be saved.  My dad explained the plan of salvation to me, but I remember wishing he would shut up and get on with the praying part because I was scared the rapture would take place before I got the words out of my mouth.  

When we finally knelt at my parents bed side, I don't remember saying a single word.  I distinctly remember that I didn't close my eyes, because I remember seeing my tears hit the railing of my parents bed.  I just remember thinking to myself, "Lord help me, I don't want to go to hell."

I've really struggled with this through out my life, simply because, when you hear someone recount the day of their salvation they can tell it so well.  It's so clear to them.  It's like a picture, and they're the artist.  Sometimes, when the devil really wants to get at me, I feel the doubt creep up in me.  I feel the fear creep into my veins, and I become useless to God.  Because God can't use a doubtful soul, and without faith, it is impossible to please Him.  

There have been many times that I have prayed about this fear that I have.  When I was about 13, I remember lying in bed next to mom and begging her to pray for me because I didn't know if I was saved or not.  And then later, about 19, I remember recounting the entire day of my salvation to my dad as tears ran down my face and asking him if I was missing something.  Then, just before my dad passed away, I awoke from a horrifying dream that I'd died and gone to hell.  I woke my poor husband from a dead sleep and begged him to get on his knees in the bed next to me and pray with me.

All of these times in my life were times when I wasn't particularly close to God.  For one reason or another I was straying or pouting or whatever you want to call it.  But above all else, I was unusable to God.  

That's the way the devil likes us folks.  If he can't keep you from getting saved, he sure as the world is gonna do his best to be sure you don't lead anyone else to salvation.  That's his main goal.  Always has been...and it will be until the very end.

For the past 5 years...I've been pretty useless to God.  I've tried to explain it all away.  I have an excuse for every day of the week.  I have a reason for every missed church service.  I have an excuse for every time I didn't get up and sing when I should have.  I have reason why I didn't try to witness to the man who asked me for spare change in the parking lot of my work that night.  I have an excuse for the time someone asked me what I stood for and I tucked tail and ran.  

But what I can not find an excuse for is why my 5 year old son can't tell me a single thing about Adam and Eve.  He has no idea who Samson and Delilah are.  He doesn't know how David slew Goliath.  And he is 3 years away from the age that I was when I was saved.  In 3 years, it is completely possible that he will be at the age of accountability.  And I am failing him miserably.  

I've tried to blame my laziness on the fact that my children are embarrassingly rowdy in church.  They can't sit still that long. They're cranky.  We don't feel good.  People stare at us and I feel like they're wondering what in the world my problem is and why on earth can't I make my "brats" be quiet for just a little while.  And so, most of the time I opt to stay home.  It's a shame.  It truly is...

This week I made a goal to make sure my children made it to our Vacation Bible School, and that on the days I didn't work, I made it there with them. I expected them to learn a great deal this week, but what I didn't expect was learning something myself....

TO BE CONTINUED....