I hate snow, but not for the obvious reasons. Although, I find plenty of obvious reasons why it irritates me. The one big reason is because the memories are too painful to bear. Snow, was my dad's thing. He liked it. When it started, he stood at the front door and watched it. I would stand with him and watch him walk from door to window trying to see how deep the snow was getting. If the power went out, he would light old oil burning lamps and stoke up the wood burning furnace. Me and mom would sit curled up on the couch under a blanket and talk, watching him work meticulously, placing the lamps through out the house so that we had plenty of light.
At first light he was out in the snow, shoveling, walking around, playing...cooking on the wood stove...tracking in snow and mud while my mom cleaned up after him over and over again. He didn't worry about getting out in it...he knew he could if he needed to. I was brought home from the hospital in a snow storm. I guess he figured if he could make it home with me, he could make it in anything.
The winter before he died, me and Caleb came to stay with him for a little while. Mom was at work, and Daniel was at work. It was just me and him and Caleb. Caleb laid down to take a nap, and dad went outside. He was gone for a while, and I got worried so I slipped outside to check on him. He was just outside walking around, looking up at the snow. He had this look on his face....this peaceful look.
I said, "Dad, what are you doing?"
He said, "Nothin', just lookin' around."
I know now, he was talking to God. I think that was the day I realized my days with him were numbered. And it scared me. But what faith that must've taken for him, to know he wasn't going to be with us much longer, and just accept whatever God's plan was. I know that that doesn't mean that it wasn't hard for him. And I know that as time grew closer, and he got sicker it was a lot harder for him to be at peace. But on that day, in that moment, he was at peace with what God was doing in his life. It was in God's hands. He was ready.
When I think of that day, all I see is the beginning of then end. And it makes me so sad.
Snow....it makes me miss him. It makes the cold colder somehow. My heart aches a little. And I just don't want to feel that. Not today. So I grumble about the snow and I hope that it passes quickly. So the sun can come out again.
No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to figure out this life thing.
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