I shrugged my shoulders and slumped forward..."I don't know. I guess I really don't have anything worth saying to anyone anymore."
"Well," she smiled at me, as her children and my children romped around us and played, "I don't always have something meaningful to say when I blog. I blog for my children."
She does...blog for her children...it's obvious...and it's admirable. Isn't it wonderful that some day her children and their children and their children's children will read the words that she wrote and know...she was an exceptional person.
She took some photos of my family. It was a wonderful day. (You can see her photos here.) She even coaxed a smile from my husband. He does not like having pictures taken. She captured the dynamic of our family and the personality of each of us perfectly. I will cherish those photos not only because they are beautiful, but because she took them...and for the words that she wrote about my family. She has no idea what that day meant to me.
It had been a hard year. Probably the worst year since my dad had died. If I'm being honest, it was harder than the year my dad died. It was the year that I had, for the first time in my life, realized that no matter how hard you try...sometimes your best isn't good enough. Sometimes even when you think that your doing everything in your power to be everything to everyone....it's just not enough.
And there you have it...the real reason I haven't looked at my blog in 1 year and 3 months. Because there was nothing that I cared to remember. It hurts. All of it. September was the worst. Then that improved and January brought a different kind of heart ache when my Grandma Sexton, (my dad's mom) passed away of a stroke. But even before her passing she was gone. Alzheimer's disease.
I went on anxiety medication because I couldn't handle all of the pain and the fear. Fear is my worst enemy. Honestly, I worry about just about everything. And if I don't have anything to worry about...give me some time and a little bit of information and I'll help you worry about something. It's my nature. I'm worrying right now...My six year old has a tooth ache and a dental appointment that's 30 days away AND it's Halloween.
I decided I didn't need anxiety medication after all. I still worried, I just did it calmly.
My life was spiraling...I was spiraling. But from the outside looking in, everything seamed fine. That's the scary part about fear and sadness...it's invisible to the naked eye.
It's a very lonely place to be...in your own head...
If I'd had a cup of tea and a quiet room I would have spilled my guts to her that day she took our pictures. Just like a five year old telling her 16 year old babysitter all about her short, care free life....but I didn't. And no one really knows...when someone is hurting or discouraged. But just her asking, "Why haven't you been writing Stacey Bell?" Gave me the push I needed to look in the mirror and ask myself, "Why aren't I writing??"
And so I did ask myself why. And I couldn't come up with a suitable answer, so here I am. Just writing.
It was a hard year. But I'm still here. And that says something to me. I am not a victim. I will not allow my life to be dictated by the fear of what could be or what might happen. I'm not there yet. But I do see a light at the end of the long tunnel. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna come out on the other side...better...stronger...happier than ever.
I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
Fire away life...
all photos by Brandee Shafer
