Creating New Happiness

No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to figure out this life thing.



 I fear that I am trying so hard to get it right, that I'm missing it all.




The beautiful moments.






The quiet moments.

The moments when an adventure is discovered by my children, that I have long since forgotten.

Sometimes, in the process of trying to make things perfect in my life, I think,






I forget to enjoy those moments...in all their imperfectness.

Maybe they don't need to be perfect...so long as they're beautiful...and real.

Proverbs 31:25  Strength and honour are her clothing; and she shall rejoice in time to come.

Snow

I hate snow, but not for the obvious reasons.  Although, I find plenty of obvious reasons why it irritates me.  The one big reason is because the memories are too painful to bear.  Snow, was my dad's thing.  He liked it.  When it started, he stood at the front door and watched it.  I would stand with him and watch him walk from door to window trying to see how deep the snow was getting.  If the power went out, he would light old oil burning lamps and stoke up the wood burning furnace.  Me and mom would sit curled up on the couch under a blanket and talk, watching him work meticulously, placing the lamps through out the house so that we had plenty of light.

At first light he was out in the snow, shoveling, walking around, playing...cooking on the wood stove...tracking in snow and mud while my mom cleaned up after him over and over again.  He didn't worry about getting out in it...he knew he could if he needed to. I was brought home from the hospital in a snow storm.  I guess he figured if he could make it home with me, he could make it in anything.

The winter before he died, me and Caleb came to stay with him for a little while.  Mom was at work, and Daniel was at work.  It was just me and him and Caleb.  Caleb laid down to take a nap, and dad went outside.  He was gone for a while, and I got worried so I slipped outside to check on him.  He was just outside walking around, looking up at the snow.  He had this look on his face....this peaceful look.

I said, "Dad, what are you doing?"
He said, "Nothin', just lookin' around."

I know now, he was talking to God.  I think that was the day I realized my days with him were numbered.  And it scared me.  But what faith that must've taken for him, to know he wasn't going to be with us much longer, and just accept whatever God's plan was.  I know that that doesn't mean that it wasn't hard for him.  And I know that as time grew closer, and he got sicker it was a lot harder for him to be at peace.  But on that day, in that moment, he was at peace with what God was doing in his life.  It was in God's hands.  He was ready.

When I think of that day, all I see is the beginning of then end.  And it makes me so sad.

Snow....it makes me miss him.  It makes the cold colder somehow.  My heart aches a little.  And I just don't want to feel that.  Not today.  So I grumble about the snow and I hope that it passes quickly.  So the sun can come out again.

Titanium:On Finding My Words

"Why haven't you written on your blog Stacey Bell?"  She asked me.

I shrugged my shoulders and slumped forward..."I don't know.  I guess I really don't have anything worth saying to anyone anymore."

"Well," she smiled at me, as her children and my children romped around us and played, "I don't always have something meaningful to say when I blog.  I blog for my children."

She does...blog for her children...it's obvious...and it's admirable.  Isn't it wonderful that some day her children and their children and their children's children will read the words that she wrote and know...she was an exceptional person. 

She took some photos of my family.  It was a wonderful day. (You can see her photos here.) She even coaxed a smile from my husband.  He does not like having pictures taken.  She captured the dynamic of our family and the personality of each of us perfectly.  I will cherish those photos not only because they are beautiful, but because she took them...and for the words that she wrote about my family.  She has no idea what that day meant to me. 

It had been a hard year.  Probably the worst year since my dad had died.  If I'm being honest, it was harder than the year my dad died.  It was the year that I had, for the first time in my life, realized that no matter how hard you try...sometimes your best isn't good enough.  Sometimes even when you think that your doing everything in your power to be everything to everyone....it's just not enough.  

And there you have it...the real reason I haven't looked at my blog in 1 year and 3 months.  Because there was nothing that I cared to remember.  It hurts.  All of it.  September was the worst.  Then that improved and January brought a different kind of heart ache when my Grandma Sexton, (my dad's mom) passed away of a stroke.  But even before her passing she was gone.  Alzheimer's disease. 

I went on anxiety medication because I couldn't handle all of the pain and the fear.  Fear is my worst enemy.  Honestly, I worry about just about everything.  And if I don't have anything to worry about...give me some time and a little bit of information and I'll help you worry about something.  It's my nature. I'm worrying right now...My six year old has a tooth ache and a dental appointment that's 30 days away AND it's Halloween.

I decided I didn't need anxiety medication after all.  I still worried, I just did it calmly. 

My life was spiraling...I was spiraling. But from the outside looking in, everything seamed fine.  That's the scary part about fear and sadness...it's invisible to the naked eye. 

It's a very lonely place to be...in your own head...

If I'd had a cup of tea and a quiet room I would have spilled my guts to her that day she took our pictures.  Just like a five year old telling her 16 year old babysitter all about her short, care free life....but I didn't.  And no one really knows...when someone is hurting or discouraged.  But just her asking, "Why haven't you been writing Stacey Bell?" Gave me the push I needed to look in the mirror and ask myself, "Why aren't I writing??"

And so I did ask myself why.  And I couldn't come up with a suitable answer, so here I am.  Just writing. 

It was a hard year.  But I'm still here.  And that says something to me.  I am not a victim.  I will not allow my life to be dictated by the fear of what could be or what might happen. I'm not there yet.  But I do see a light at the end of the long tunnel.  And I've got a feeling I'm gonna come out on the other side...better...stronger...happier than ever. 

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose 
Fire away, fire away 
Ricochet, you take your aim 
Fire away, fire away 
You shoot me down but I won't fall 
I am titanium 

-David Guetta

Fire away life...

all photos by Brandee Shafer

A Day With My Grandma...

When I was just a little girl, I prayed a prayer for you.  I asked God to never let you die, because I would miss you if you ever left me.  I loved you so very much, and I couldn't bear the thought of not having you around.  I'm not sure why God never let me forget that little prayer I prayed for you that day, but he didn't.  And now that you're old and your mind is betraying you, and I feel a great sense of despair that my prayer has caused you pain somehow.

Your life has been so full of trouble.  You have watched so many people that you love go before you.  Your parents, your infant child, your first husband, your siblings, and then dad...Your heart has been broken with every passing, and yet it beats on within your body.  And now I can see how you feel trapped within it.

"If I could just get out of this place, and leave!" You say. "If I could just get well!"
"I feel like I'm losing my mind sometimes!", "I don't know why God doesn't just take me. I wish I could just die"

But then you look at me with sad, confused eyes, and ask me where your mom went.  You wonder why my dad hasn't visited today.  Then you point out he must be busy working.  Surely he would come if he weren't working.

You cry to me like never before.  You refuse food.  You hope to die....and yet you live.

And I ask myself, "Why?  Why has God allowed your mind to be stolen away from you like this?"
Because, I can handle sickness.  I have stared death right in the eyes, and haven't even flinched as I watch a life drift into eternity.  I know beyond the shadow of a doubt, that beyond this there is more.  I can handle death...although begrudgingly...I handle death.  I understand it. I could accept it.  A necessary means to an end. It would hurt me, but I could grieve.

But I can't understand this...
I can't fight this for you.
I can't watch you be stolen from me piece by piece...minute by minute...
I don't know how to help you.
So I just sit here with you.
Silently watching you.
Staring into your eyes.
Watching you stare back into mine.
Knowing that this is all I can do.

Tears roll down your face as you look into my eyes.
"I just want to go home."
I hear the desperation in your voice.
 "I just pray sometimes, to go home."
And suddenly I'm praying too...
For your mind to find clarity.
For your heart to be unbroken.
For you to get to go home.

 

Fireman's 4th of July Festival

It rained yesterday, but that didn't stop my little family from enjoying our day. Here are some great pictures of the Fireman's 4th Festival!!

This was actually July 3rd, during the firemen's competition. I missed most of it because I had to work.  But I did catch the part where my husband, Daniel, and his brothers pulled their firetruck across a parking lot. FOR FUN!!! (Weirdos) That's my man in the middle.  He's SO MANLY! 

Despite the rain, the parade went on as scheduled.  Although it was a little wet and chilly, the kids seemed to have lots of fun.

My husband's on the fire department, but some how he ended up riding the train with the kiddos.  You take the conductor out of the rail road, but ya can't take the rail road outta the conductor I suppose. 

The funny part is how he seems to be having more fun than the passengers.

It came a pretty big rain about 7 o'clock, so everyone crowded under whatever shelter they could find.  And of course, I found a friend.  We don't see each other much because she's busy planning a wedding and a family and all that jazz, but I still love her. And aren't we just adorable!?

The fireworks went on as planned despite the rain. The finale was the best I've seen in years.  The Huntsville fire department really did a good job considering the weather.

(picture courtesy of  Miranda Strunk fellow firefighter's wife)

 And for those of you who missed it, SHAME! This is the south ya'll! Didn't you learn a thing from Luke Bryan?  RAIN IS A GOOD THANG! Ha Ha!!

(Pictures courtesy of Mehgan Daggs fellow firefighter's wife)

(Pictures courtesy of Mehgan Daggs fellow firefighter's wife)

The 4th was fun, but we can't forget the reason we were able to have all of this fun in the first place.  Never forget the one's who gave their lives for our freedom.  And the ones who fight so that we can keep it!

Happy Independence Day!!

On My Salvation and Faithfulness (Part 2)

Isn't it funny how God puts us right where we need to be, so we can get the exact answers we need to get at exactly the time he wants us to get them?  I've been walking around for years with this nagging at my heart.  This little bit of doubt that I couldn't squash. Someone told me once that maybe instead of asking God, "Why?", perhaps I should be asking God, "What should I be learning from this."

I kept wondering, "Why is it that everyone else has this perfect story.  This "AhA!! moment that they can recount whenever they feel like it. And I'm sitting here all, "Well, I don't know, I love the Lord and I want to serve him. I was sorry for my sins. I believe everything I'm supposed to believe. I didn't speak the words aloud. And ever since that day, I've never been moved by the holy spirit to ask to be saved again."....What am I supposed to be learning from this.  Why is it so easy for others and yet so very difficult for me?

The devil uses our weaknesses. He works by fear.  He feeds on it. And if we let it, it can consume us.  I know this, I've been taught this since the day that I accepted Christ into my heart.  And yet, I allowed Satan to defeat me with fear.  Many nights, I would pray, "God, if I'm not saved please save me."

Did you know that God sees into our hearts?  He knows our intentions before we even know them ourselves.  He knows every single tear that comes out of our eyes, and he counts them.  We matter to him.  Salvation, is a gift.  It isn't a hidden treasure that's been buried somewhere deep in the mountains.  We don't need a map to find it.  We don't have to fight for it.  It's right in front of us...always.

All week long, Tommy, our bible school teacher, has been teaching about the Holy Ghost.


John 14:16-17 (King James Version)

16 And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever;

17 Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.

This is the first thing I learned.  The holy spirit, not only is apart of the holy trinity, but the holy spirit is a "he", not an "it".  This was particularly important to me because while I've always believed in the holy trinity, I've never understood it much. And honestly, I never really expected to understand it at all until this week. 

Now that I can identify that the Holy Spirit is a person, just like God and Jesus.  I understand this: the Holy Spirit loves us, hears us, watches over us, just like God does...just like Jesus does. Are you still with me?? 

Something else that I learned is that God hears us even when we feel like we can't get a prayer past the ceiling, let alone all the way to heaven. When I heard this part, it was like God put me right back there at that bed side where I'd accepted him.  That little girl with eyes opened while her parents prayed beside her, with the tears that hit the bed railing....her heart pounding...speaking for her where she couldn't find the words.  I realized right then that the holy spirit was right there next to me.  God had sent him there.  He told me so in John 14:16.

So here it is folks...almost 20 years later...my AHA! moment.  Forgive me, because it's still hard for me to put into words.  It was as though God was sitting right next to me showing me all of the ways he's worked in my life.  From that day on up til now.  In high school when all my friends were taking the broad road, and I decided to follow the narrow path way.  The day God lead me to my husband, and showed me that he was my mate.  When I prayed and prayed for a child, and God granted me my desire.  Every single time I stood up in church to sing, or give a testimony, the devil told me it was all for show and that I was a fake.  But he was wrong.  God really did all those those things for me, and I sang because he gave me my voice and I loved him. A lost soul doesn't love God...he can't love God...and I really really love God. I'm saved.  And although I've been making excuses for why I can't do this or that, He still loves me.  My faith had just faltered. But here's what I forgot...
(Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.)

He loves me.  All day, every day, no matter what...He loves me.  He loved me then, He loves me now, and everywhere in between.  It's a gift...just like my salvation.  It's free, and unconditional. And praise His name, I'm so glad I went to bible school this week.  Because I learned more sitting in that pew in a few days than I could have ever learned in the last 20 years.

Now I'm not saying that you aren't gonna find me some day, needing some encouragement. Or that some Sundays, I might just feel defeated enough to stay home.  But, all I can say is...it's time for me to stop allowing the devil to make me useless to God.  It's time I started fighting for my childrens' future, because no one else will.  It's time I took control of my life, and stopped letting the devil make me paralyzed with fear.

I've been praying about how he can use me.  This is what I feel lead to do.

From now on.  Even if I don't post any other blogs...Once a week, I am going to post about a topic that I've been studying in my bible with my kids.  It's a way for me to learn, and to teach them.  I would really enjoy all of my readers' participation, either by facebook or through blogging.  I'm really not sure of the details yet, but I know that God wants me to do this. So, I'm gonna do it.  Look for my updates! And if anyone would like to help me out by giving me some topics to study, please comment below.

By the way, the next time you see my oldest, Caleb, asking him about Adam and Eve.  We talked about them Tuesday night.  If you see my daughter, Carley, ask her about Jesus.  She will tell you that he died on a cross, and He loves us.  Now, I call that progress.  (or a slap in the devil's face, whichever you would prefer) 

On My Salvation and Faithfulness

I got saved when I was very young.  I still remember it like it was yesterday.  We went to church at my great uncle's church.  My mom and her gospel group were singing that night.  It was some time in October, although I don't remember the exact day.  I was either 8 or 9, but I'm not sure exactly which it is, all I know is it was October and I was baptized in April.  My great uncle painted the most real picture of hell that night. I don't remember anyone doing so before or after that day.  I can only assume that it was the holy spirit drawing me in and dealing with me. I didn't go to the alter that night, but we barely made it in the house before I was telling my parents I needed to be saved.  My dad explained the plan of salvation to me, but I remember wishing he would shut up and get on with the praying part because I was scared the rapture would take place before I got the words out of my mouth.  

When we finally knelt at my parents bed side, I don't remember saying a single word.  I distinctly remember that I didn't close my eyes, because I remember seeing my tears hit the railing of my parents bed.  I just remember thinking to myself, "Lord help me, I don't want to go to hell."

I've really struggled with this through out my life, simply because, when you hear someone recount the day of their salvation they can tell it so well.  It's so clear to them.  It's like a picture, and they're the artist.  Sometimes, when the devil really wants to get at me, I feel the doubt creep up in me.  I feel the fear creep into my veins, and I become useless to God.  Because God can't use a doubtful soul, and without faith, it is impossible to please Him.  

There have been many times that I have prayed about this fear that I have.  When I was about 13, I remember lying in bed next to mom and begging her to pray for me because I didn't know if I was saved or not.  And then later, about 19, I remember recounting the entire day of my salvation to my dad as tears ran down my face and asking him if I was missing something.  Then, just before my dad passed away, I awoke from a horrifying dream that I'd died and gone to hell.  I woke my poor husband from a dead sleep and begged him to get on his knees in the bed next to me and pray with me.

All of these times in my life were times when I wasn't particularly close to God.  For one reason or another I was straying or pouting or whatever you want to call it.  But above all else, I was unusable to God.  

That's the way the devil likes us folks.  If he can't keep you from getting saved, he sure as the world is gonna do his best to be sure you don't lead anyone else to salvation.  That's his main goal.  Always has been...and it will be until the very end.

For the past 5 years...I've been pretty useless to God.  I've tried to explain it all away.  I have an excuse for every day of the week.  I have a reason for every missed church service.  I have an excuse for every time I didn't get up and sing when I should have.  I have reason why I didn't try to witness to the man who asked me for spare change in the parking lot of my work that night.  I have an excuse for the time someone asked me what I stood for and I tucked tail and ran.  

But what I can not find an excuse for is why my 5 year old son can't tell me a single thing about Adam and Eve.  He has no idea who Samson and Delilah are.  He doesn't know how David slew Goliath.  And he is 3 years away from the age that I was when I was saved.  In 3 years, it is completely possible that he will be at the age of accountability.  And I am failing him miserably.  

I've tried to blame my laziness on the fact that my children are embarrassingly rowdy in church.  They can't sit still that long. They're cranky.  We don't feel good.  People stare at us and I feel like they're wondering what in the world my problem is and why on earth can't I make my "brats" be quiet for just a little while.  And so, most of the time I opt to stay home.  It's a shame.  It truly is...

This week I made a goal to make sure my children made it to our Vacation Bible School, and that on the days I didn't work, I made it there with them. I expected them to learn a great deal this week, but what I didn't expect was learning something myself....

TO BE CONTINUED....