The Promise

Carley, Caleb, and their cousin Elijah.



Two years ago today, God blessed me in a big way. I found out that I was gonna have a second bundle of joy to add to my family. This came as a huge surprise to me, because I had been told by several doctors after Caleb was born that he might be my only.  It took great prayer, fasting, and just plain hard work to get him here, and it was highly unlikely that we would be so lucky a second time, and even if we were so lucky I may not be able to carry the baby to term. 

After being told this, I set out to be happy with my tiny little family.  In the mean time my dad became ill, and it became hard to even imagine another child with everything that was happening at that time. Then dad passed on in May, and we mourned our loss, myself especially.  I cried and prayed and screamed and yelled and cried some more. For two solid months I cried myself to sleep every single night.  Then this August morning exactly two years ago, God nudged me as if to say to my heart in that still small voice of his, "Stacey, it's time to come out of the dark. Your dad is with me now, he is happy. It's time you got back to raising your family. Let this be well with your soul."

Now, I don't know about you, but it's very hard for me to let anything be well with MY soul.  It just doesn't come natural to me to put everything in the Master's hands and leave it there. I kneel down, lay my burden down, pray about it, and most of the time when I'm through I pick it right back up and take it with me.  But on this day two years ago, I said to God, "How? How are you going to bring me out of the dark?"  That morning, I drove Caleb to the babysitter, and then myself to work. I was so frantic, because the next morning we were supposed to leave for the beach. I was racing, racing, racing everywhere. I barely made it to work before I became overwhelmingly nauseated. And with a little nudging from a co-worker, and even more nudging from God, I found myself in the grocery line with an EPT in my hand. 

That day, I realized, I had come full circle.  I began my journey with a desire for a child that almost broke my heart. And God not only answered my prayer once, but with TWO little blessings. And just as my dad was leaving us, God gave us a fresh new face to love. 

God has never ceased to prove himself to me.  He has always known what is best for me, in spite of what I think that may be. And in the midst of the darkness, he shines the light.  He loves me more than I deserve, and I am so glad I have that promise that he will never leave me. Knowing this, I am sure I will never be alone. What a blessing to know, that nomatter what our lives throw at us, we have a friend that will never die, never leave us, always have time for us, and always care for us.

Carley Larryssa Bell

You've been sleeping in your own bed since the day we brought you home from the hospital. But you love to be held and cuddled and loved. You love your brother, and think he is funny. You have your Poppa Larry's left ear. Some day you will hate this about yourself because that ear kind of looks like an elf's ear, and that makes me giggle because I like to think that your Poppa asked God to give you that to let us know that even though he didn't get to see you on this earth, he still knew you and loved you.

You are very adventurous and love to explore, but some days you are very content just sitting beside me on the couch watching "Bubble Guppies". You don't giggle very often. As a matter of fact, you are very serious most of the time. You study people, and watch people. This leads me to believe that you have the gift of discernment (or will have when you reach the age of accountability and accept Christ as your saviour. And I trust you will, because I love the Lord and he promised me so.) When you do decide to laugh, it's is like a gentle melody ringing in my ears, and I could listen to it all day.

You are tender hearted and kind, and I know that you get that from your Grammy. You hurt when others hurt, you cry when others cry (literally), and you are happy when others are happy. Just like your Grammy.  In your very short life, you have taught me so much about being a mother. It's easy being a mother to you, because you are so forgiving of me and my not so perfect mothering. I see in your eyes love that has no need to be expressed. It only needs to be communicated between us two, from heart to heart, smile to smile, laugh to laugh, and hug to hug. Just like your dad and me.

My dream for you is for you to have all you desire in life, and that God bless you in all your endeavors. I hope with all that I am, that you will never give up or say "I quit". Never sell yourself short, or say "I don't think I'm worth it". Because, my baby girl, God made you in all your flaws and imperfections, and he loved you for exactly who you were gonna be. He will use whomever you become so long as you let him. And if someday, you find yourself raising a little girl or boy like I have you and your brother, I hope you realize how incredibly lucky you are. As well as realize how wonderfully lucky I was to be allowed to raise you.

He Leadeth Me...

Today, I watched an episode of the Dr. Phil show of a mother who used unusual punishment on her child. She punished her child in the following ways:

• hot sauce in the mouth for lying
• cold shower for disobeying
• locked in your room for back talking

..............this child is 5..........
After seeing this, I was in TEARS! For one thing, I was so upset that this little boy was being abused that I just wanted to reach through the television and grab the MOTHER and knock her in the head with something.

There are days when my son Caleb tries my patience in every single way. There are days when he doesn't listen to a single word out of my mouth. Some days he throws things while crying uncontrollably when I correct him for something. He says he hates me. He thinks he can "parent" my daughter. He throws the "prettiest" tantrums I have ever seen, and I promise you that any child who tried to challenge him in this area would lose. (and I am not proud of that) But honestly, there is not a single thing he could do that would make me do any of the above to him. 

Acting out is a part of growing up. It's how we learn boundaries, and if we aren't correcting our children's misbehaving, then we aren't doing our jobs.  But the number 1 job we have as parents is LOVING them. When we love them like we should, and when we seek God in our lives, all of the rest just falls into place. We make mistakes as God's children, every day. And if he punished us the way we punish our children, we might be grounded for life. But He shows us patience and mercy. So, I think I'm gonna try to do the same with my kids.

All of this has shown me that there are areas in my parenting that I could definitely improve. I'm not abusive with my children by ANY means. But some days, when I feel so very alone in my parenting, all I want to do is run away and cry my eyes out. That is the moment when I need to stop, take a deep breath, and say a prayer. Because God knows exactly who we are, and what we need and he loves me just like I love my babies. (Even when I kick and scream and cry after not getting my way.)

 Above all, I have realized that the most important thing for me to improve on is my patience with my children. They are a gift from God, not a right to have, and someday they will be gone. So from now on, I'm going to parent them by giving them my time, my love, my acceptance, and above all else, leading by example. And look to God for all of the answers. I may not be like the mother on that t.v. show, but there is always room for improvement.

Do All Dogs Go To Heaven Momma?

A few months ago, Daniel brought home a new member of the family. A boxer puppy who Caleb named Tonka. He quickly became part of the family, and even I (NOT A DOG PERSON) loved him very much. We all loved him, but it became obvious that he was Caleb's dog.
"He's my best buddy Momma, I love him!!" Caleb would say....

Yesterday evening, our puppy, Tonka was hit by a car and passed away.  Caleb didn't see. So Daniel and I sat down with him to explain what happened to Tonka. The conversation went a little something like this.

"Caleb, you know how Tonka liked to chase cars?" Daniel asked, as he held him in his lap and I sobbed in the corner.
"Yeah, Daddy, He likes to chase cars don't he. He's funny." Caleb answered.
"Well, today Tonka ran in front of a car and it hit him, and it hurt him really bad. So, Tonka died, and went to heaven." Daniel said gently.
Caleb of course began to cry, and then he asked. "Well, can we go to heaven and get him?"
"No, honey, Tonka can't go back. But we can go to him some day." I finally said.
"But I'm really gonna miss him. He was my best buddy." Caleb cried.
"I know buddy." I said.
And with that, we all cried for Tonka.

Today Caleb has had a lot of questions for me.

• Is Tonka in the sky.
• Can God send him back? Because I really wanna play with him.
• Is it dark in heaven. (To which I happily answered. "No way. Heaven is bright, and Jesus is there. Everyone is happy, and no one ever dies)
• Can we just go visit Tonka?
• When are we gonna be able to go to heaven?
• Do all dog's go to heaven?

I don't really know what the right way to handle this would have been for Caleb. I never want to lie to him. And I realize that some people would say that is exactly what I did when I told him Tonka was in heaven. The truth is, we don't know for sure what happens when our animals die. Do they just go away? Probably. But a 3 year old would not understand that, and I hope that God knows that I did the best I could with what I had.  The thing is, I mourned for Caleb's loss more than I mourned for Tonka.  He is my baby, my goal in life is to always protect him. His feelings, his life, his heart, his body, and his mind...and I will do that as best I know how.

TonkaTonk--you will be greatly missed. You were a good dog.

(Quote from the Movie Marley and Me)
 You know how we're always saying what a pain you are, you're the world's worst dog, don't believe it, don't believe it for one minute because you know we couldn't find a better dog, I love you, more than anything, you're a great dog, I love you.

My Spiritual Gift, AND FINALLY coming HOME!

(Music - The gift that gives a believer the capability to present personal witness and inspiration to others through instrumental music, singing, or dancing.

The special gift whereby the Spirit enables certain Christians to praise God through music in such a way as to enhance the worship experience of other believers. It gives the believer the desire and capability to express personal faith and provide inspiration and comfort through the playing of a musical instrument, singing, or dancing. The spiritual aspect of the gift is revealed as the gift bearer gives witness to love and praise for the Lord, and thus glorifies God. Those listening or watching become inspired to feel the presence and majesty of God when music, song, or dance uplifts their soul in a manner that brings them closer to their Lord.

People with this gift:
- sing or play a musical instrument quite well, and enjoy it
- have special joy singing praises to God, either alone or with other people
- feel secure in the fact that their musical ability will be of benefit to other people with whom they come in contact
- can use their musical ability to help and inspire others to worship God
- see that their singing or instrument playing is a spiritual encouragement for others. )
1 Samuel 16:14-23 1 Corinthians 14:26 Psalm 33:1-3 Psalm 96:1-2 

Today, I attended my second Ladies Retreat. It's where a lot of women of God, no matter where they are in their spiritual walk with Christ, get together and worship. Today I learned a lot about myself. Here are some things that I learned that I will never forget...

• God gave little ole' me a spiritual gift. And it just so happens to be "Music". Well what'dya know. I'm special...(To God anyway!) PRAISE HIS HOLY NAME!
• He cares for me. Somehow I forgot the most simple of all rules to being a child of God. All I must do is BELIEVE! It's the basis of our salvation. Why shouldn't it be the basis of our entire lives?
• I've been walking around for the last 2 years with my head down like I'd lost something. Losing my dad truly hurt me. But in my grieving, somehow I just gave up and let the devil trample all over me. WELL NOT ANY MORE! Because #1, you can't lose something that was never yours in the first place, and #2 it can't be lost if you know where it is. I know where my dad is, HEAVEN!! PRAISE GOD! Why in the WORLD have I let satan do this to me??? I am a Daughter to the MOST HIGH! NOTHING can touch me unless he says so! PRAISE GOD!

I may just be rambling to most of you, and that's okay. Because the sole purpose of this blog is to let EVERYONE know. JESUS LOVES ME. And I FORGOT! But guess what, HE WAS STILL THERE! He NEVER left me!  And to beat all he didn't just NOT leave me, HE held me! He walked with me. He waited on me, to decide when I'd had enough.
Today, I stood in that church with all those women, whose faith could have move a mountain if they'd asked it of  the Saviour. I saw the love of my Master. It was as though he were standing right before me saying, "Aren't you tired of trying to do all this alone? Don't you want my comfort? Isn't it hard trying to make all the pieces fit from way down there?"
My answer was, "Yes LORD, I'm EXHAUSTED! Help me."
And I walked the aisle of that church and got down on my knees and DROPPED that burden I'd been carrying. That sadness I'd been dragging around for so long. And I FEEL LIGHT AS A FEATHER! (Sorry the caps aren't me yelling...I'm praising GOD) HALLELUJAH!! I will blog about this in more detail in a day or two. Right now I'm so high on Jesus, that I just can't make myself do anything but praise HIM. I feel my heart might BUST! There really isn't any closing to this, except to say this
'Come to me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. (Words of my Saviour)
Praise HIS name....

Never Alone...

‎"I think we dream so we don’t have to be apart for so long. If we’re in each other’s dreams, we can be together all the time— A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)

I've been wrestling back and forth with this blog post for some time now. No one wants to drive a subject into the ground. I feel that writing this, may help me heal somehow. I've held it in, though, for a long long time now. Partly because I feel like telling this particular story sounds completely crazy, and partly because it is so incredibly personal that I can hardly bare to write it.

The day before my dad past away, I had somewhat of a selfish moment. My mom had asked me to sit with him so that she could go to work for about half a day. My husband and I were working on moving into our house, so I had planned to move our things all that morning. I was very upset to not be allowed to do this. Not just because it had put a damper on my plans, but because toward the end of my dad's life, it became harder for me to stay with him for long periods at a time. The more I was with him, the more I knew our time grew shorter.

The next morning, my dad took a fall in the hallway of my parents house. I remember hearing him fall, then calling for my mom. If I were a brave person, I would have gotten up to help them. But I became paralyzed with fear, and refused to get out of bed. I'm not sure how much time lapsed from the time he fell, and the time I actually emerged from my room, but it felt like forever.

When I finally left the room my husband and I and my oldest, Caleb, had been staying, my mom began to explain to me the events of the day. I am not going to go into detail about this, because these details are both hurtful and scary for my mom and I to relive. So, to make this story a little short I will try to tell you the most important details. That day, as my dad rested, I went on into work. My mom and papaw told me there was really nothing I could do, and not to worry.  I peaked my head into his room, and said the last words I would ever say to him. "Love you dad..."

That day my dad was rushed to Oak Ridge Hospital, and by the time I arrived, he had already been placed on life support. The next day, somewhere around 9:00 p.m. My dad was taken off of the ventilator, as he had requested by his oncologist.

I don't believe I have ever been through such a traumatic ordeal in my life. I blamed myself for not being able to say a proper goodbye. I was so wrapped up in my own day to day life. I couldn't see the one that was slipping right out of my hands. I will never get over that...

A couple of months after my dad past away I had a dream about him.

I couldn't see him, but it was like we were face to face having a conversation with one another.

"Daddy! I yelled. "I am so sorry that I was so selfish to you. I miss you so much, and I love you!"

"I love you too." he said. "Now I have to go. They are waiting for me. Bill and I are helping plan for the great battle."

"But daddy, please don't go, I'm afraid without you." I cried.

Just as I woke up, I heard him say, "Don't be afraid. I'll see you again. You are not alone."

I have dreamed of my dad since that day. But I've only seen his face, I have never heard his voice. But this particular dream has never left me. I can remember it as though it happened to me yesterday.

I won't say that my dad came to me in that dream. But I will say that MY GOD knows how to comfort even the inconsolable, and that I am not alone...

In My Daughter's Eyes...

'

The day my son, Caleb, was born was a dream come true. We had tried for so long for a baby, and the second I looked at him I knew that I had been made to be his mother. I love him with everything that I am. There is no "me" without "him".

He has such a big beautiful personality. But sometimes that personality outshines his little sister.

I found out that I was pregnant with Carley nearly 2 months after my dad passed away. It was somewhat of a surprise for my family and I because Daniel and I were married 5 years before Caleb came along, and I had a LOT of help getting him here. I had absolutely NO HELP becoming pregnant with my daughter. The day I found out I was pregnant, I knew it was a girl. My little girl.

Carley has a very quiet, sweet, peaceful personality. She's so very loving. When I look into her eyes, all I see is me... Every single emotion I have ever had in my life reflects back to me in her beautiful hazel eyes. And when she smiles at me, all the worry of the day just melts away.

When I was told that once she got here that I would find a new and different love for her than that of my son. I didn't quite understand what all of that meant. One month before she was born, I actually cried to my husband terrified that I wouldn't be able to love her as much as Caleb. I already loved him SO MUCH that it made it hard to breath at the thought of losing him. How in the world could you possibly love anyone else exactly the same without exploding from the inside out?

On May 5, 2010, at exactly 9:01 A.M., (Via C-section) Carley Larryssa Bell was born. The very second I saw her, it was as if the love bubble our family had been encased in just expanded and surrounded her too. And I fell in love with her. And at that moment, I knew I was complete. No question about it.

Carley is my little adventurer. She never gives up. I know for sure, she will be the one who escapes the crib some day. She climbs everything she can get a leg up on. She never screams, except when it's necessary. (When Caleb takes a toy, or when I am not meeting her mommy love standards) Most days she is completely content right on my hip like a little monkey, so it's a good thing she is extra small for her age. I know that throughout her life, her brother may outshine her because she is content to be in the background while he enjoys being the star of the show. (much like I did when I was his age) But I know that she will be the one who keeps it together when everyone else is falling apart. I know this because, when I look at her, I see all the best parts of her dad, me, my mom, my dad, etc. Everything I've ever hoped and prayed for is right there in my daughter's eyes.

She is my legacy.

All that I know, I am obligated to teach her.

If she fails, it means that I have failed.

When she succeeds, I will succeed.