I've been walking around, with my head down.
Soul aching,
Heart breaking,
Knees shaking,
Ready to quit,
Completely OVER it.
And then Jesus passed by.
He said, "Child, why do you cry?"
And then He opened up my eyes.
And completely changed my heart and mind.
I've always known Him,
But now I SEE Him.
I've always loved Him,
But now I have a relationship with Him.
I've always prayed to him,
But now, He speaks to me.
He knows my name,
And He works everything to my good.
Mends broken hearts,
Heals the broken souls,
Renews the strength of the weak.
When I was a little girl, I learned that you should FEAR God. It was in ever sermon I had ever heard. It could have been because the Lord was preparing me to accept salvation, or it could have been that I just paid more attention to that one thing. In any case, it seemed that although I had completely grasped the concept of a wrathful and chastising God...I simply missed the most important thing that God gives us. His Love...
When I was 9 years old, I came to my mother after a church service during which hell was made real to me. I was so scare of dying that night. There, at my parents bedside, I asked Jesus to save me. From that day on, I tried my very best to serve him, but I never got to KNOW him. Every time I would make a mistake in my life I would think, "Oh, Lord, Please forgive me....I don't want anything bad to happen to me." I had this image of God in my head. This huge being who watched and waited for you to screw up, so he could "LAY THE SMACK DOWN".
Now, don't get me wrong. I understand that we are to fear God, and that fearing God brings an obedience and trust in him. But that fear that we always speak of is more of a respect that we should have for him. Because of my fear of God, I never really came to know the LOVE of God.
So every time something would go wrong in my life, I would feel like I was being punished for something I had done wrong. My first and second miscarriages, my infertility, and then just when things seemed to get better, my dad got sick...and then passed away. In all these things, it would have seemed that I would have drawn closer to the Lord. But sadly, instead I went farther from him. Until finally, one day, I looked around to find that I was lost. No, I wasn't "lost" as in "not saved"...I was that lamb who'd gone far away from the fold. And there I sat a midst the thorns, high on the edge of a cliff, with no place to go.
Now class, does anyone know what happens to a lamb who is lost a midst the thorns with no place else to turn? Well, they begin to holler for their shepherd "Bah...Bah...Bah!"
So, that's what I did...I began to cry out, "Jesus! Please help me. I'm lost and can't find my way. I'm scared and I'm angry and I'm broken...and I need something." And he spoke to me...
And he picked me up, and he told me this. " No matter how far you travel from me, I will always be just a call away."
Since that day, I've been getting to know the LOVE of God. Inthe process, I've found a new love for HIM and myself and for others. My spiritual strength has begun to grow. I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I know, that the next time I find myself a midst the thorns, all I have to do is cry out to Jesus, and he will rescue me...because he loves me. Yes, we should fear God....yes, we should strive to be like him...but when we fail, (and we will) he will be more likely to reach down to comfort us than he will be to smack us up side the head and toss us out on our keesters....because he loves us.
He never said this life would be easy, but he did say that he would be here to help carry the burden. I'm so glad he loves me, and friend, he loves you too....even a midst the thorns.
I have never really been a fan of "the bucket list". It used to annoy me when someone would say to me, "oh, that's on my bucket list"...."I can check that off my bucket list"... and I have always cringed every single time Tim McGraw's "Live Like You Were Dying" come on the radio. There's just something about thinking about what you want to do before you die that has always bothered me.
But.... (Yes, I said it...BUT) The older I get, the more I think about the things I would like to experience before I leave this world... SO! I'm gonna join the club! Here's my bucket list.
Write a book.
lose 100 pounds.
Become a runner.
Open my own Restaurant.
Get a tattoo. (On my foot--Of a Cherry Blossom) HEY DON'T JUDGE. (Snicker)
Become a successful gardener. (Just like my Grandparent and my parents)
Visit Athens, Greece
Learn to Water Ski
Bungee Jump
Learn the Paint like my mom.
See the following bands in concert.
Dave Matthews Band (Cause they are awesome)
Carolina Liars
The Eagles (My Dad's favorite)
City and Colour
Guns and Roses, The Originals! (Because let's just face it, if that reunion ever happened, it would be AWE-SOME.
Renew my wedding vows on the beach, in Hawaii.
Retire from my job, and be debt free.
Raise happy, healthy children, and put them through the college of their choice.
Alright y'all! What's on your bucket list!! (You know you have one!!)
I try really hard to make you girly. I truly do....
My mom tried to make me girly.... It didn't work.
I spent a lot of time, as a matter of fact, trying NOT to be girly.
T-shirts, jeans, and flip flops were the only wardrobe I knew.
That is until I met your dad
I decided if I wanted to catch him I'd have to try a little harder.
And so I did, but it took great effort!
So, I completely understand when you kick off your pink converse shoes, and yank the pig tales (that took me 25 minutes to fix) down and rub your head, frizzing your hair like a wild woman. I completely get it when you walk through the door after church yanking at your tights and skirt and shirt until you are completely bare. I feel your pain, when you frown that just like me frown as I attempt to comb, dry, and style your unruly locks. Because you my child, are just like me. No question about it.
You are your mother's child....I see myself in you each day.(Minus the long beautiful fingers with the long beautiful nails.) You are with out a doubt the most beautiful of all the fair princesses in all the land. I only hope that you will find your handsome prince, and live happily ever after. (Messy hair and all)
So I've resolved to lose 100 pounds in a year. That's almost 2 pounds a week for 52 weeks. My weight has always been a problem. Even when it wasn't as out of control as it is currently...even when it didn't seem to dawn on others...I knew...I was overweight.
I began gaining weight steadily the year I graduated college. It was also the same year I had my first miscarriage. I could "say" that that affected me. That I became depressed, and all that mumbo jumbo. If I said that I'd be lying. Yes, that probably didn't help much. The truth is...I got lazy...unfocused. I had other things on my mind, and well, I dropped the ball.
Most of the time, when I tell someone what I way, they look at me in shock as if I've just punched them in the gut. Then they frown and say, "No way". But I know the truth, and sometimes kids, the truth hurts. I have been up and down between two different outrageous numbers for the last year. (And those numbers won't be posted on here for my own sanity, thank you)
Lately, I've been feeling my mortality just a little. I have two babies to think of, and well I don't wanna leave them when they are barely adults like my dad left me.
It's all about work you know, losing weight. It's about work and determination and numbers. You can't do it if you don't really want to. Do I? Really want to? Boy, I sure hope so. Otherwise, I'm wasting my time.
I am really... trying for the faces in the pictures in my posts...I'm trying...they are my life, and they need me at my best.
So far I've lost 5 pounds. Not too shabby for my first week, huh. Pray for me ya'll, I need it badly.
I remember when I was 16 years old. I could not wait to be an adult. I always had this dream, and I know that it was all out of whack compared to what all of my friends wanted. It was also the total opposite of what my parents wanted. I wanted to graduate high school, get married, graduate college, and have a baby. IN THAT ORDER. My mom couldn't understand why on earth I would want to be married during the most critical time of my life.
I needed a career, and I couldn't have a career when I was busy paying bills and running a household. But that's exactly how I did it. I graduated high school in May 2003, and Daniel and I married in December. It would have been sooner if I could have done it. I mean we're talking a courthouse, justice of the peace, no attendees type wedding. I wasn't interested in the wedding...I was interested in the marriage. Broke my parents heart I suppose...my wanting to run off a get married like that. But my mind was made up, so they went along with it despite their reservations.
I'm not gonna lie to you. I was in college the entire first 3 years of our marriage, and it took a toll on us. A few years later, Daniel even admitted to me that there were times he wanted to just throw his hands up and quit. I can't say that I blame him. Between college, his job, and my job, we hardly had a second to ourselves as an actual married couple. Not to mention the fact that we often struggled, and there were many many nights that I laid awake worrying myself sick over money that we didn't have.
But in the end, we made it...we did exactly what others told us could not be done. (Although it was exactly as hard as everyone said it would be) That time in my life is one of the most precious times for me looking back. We were just two kids trying to find our way in the world, and it was hard. But it was also so exciting, and so new. I can't say I did it the easy way, but I can say without a doubt I did it my way. And my way was the best way for me. I wouldn't trade it, and I hope I don't soon forget it. It built my marriage to be what it is today...And I like what it is today.
I can honestly say when I married my Daniel, I married my best friend. Now that's a rare treasure.....
