Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I Am Me...

I am ready to resume the path of my destiny. To grasp what is beyond the horizon, and search out the mysteries of what I am supposed to be. I am not just a mother. I am not just a wife. I am not just a single soul in a sea of souls in a world where souls are lost and drown in the sorrows of what has slipped through their fingers. I am a woman once lost, but now found.  I am a mother, a wife, and a soul. Yes, I am all of those. But when I close my eyes...

I am a famous author on the cusp of writing the greatest novel of our time. A novel that grabs the attention of all who turn it's pages, and engulfs them in the greatest adventure they have ever imagined.

 I am a great composer, whose musical genius brings forth all of the emotions within that can bring an audience to tears.

I am the creative artist, whose hand paints a picture of a thousand words, and puts the observer right inside the place of which their eyes behold.

I am me. The only me that I can be. And some days, the me that I am desires more of herself than what she is....I soul without boundaries...a life without restraint.

Monday, September 19, 2011

The Choice, Part 2 (The First Choice)

  *This post is part 2 of a previous blog post titled "The Choice".  I've found lately that I have a whole lot of things to say about my husband. I find myself more and more in love with him everyday. Enjoy!


 I remember the day I came home with my engagement ring. It was one of the happiest days of my life. I knew with all of my heart that Daniel was the one I wanted to marry and be with for the rest of my life.

My mom, who always tried her best to keep my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds, asked me, "Are you sure he's the one? Can't you wait until after college? If he's the one, then why can't you wait until after college? Won't he still be "the one" when you graduate?"

"I don't want to wait mom. I want him now. I don't want to wait. I don't want to spend another day without belonging to him." I replied.

We married less than six months later...

There came a point shortly after our marriage began that the fairytale seemed to have ended.  I found myself feeling as though I couldn't trust him, and that the choice I had made to love him had been the wrong one. I found my heart wandering restlessly. I began to wonder what might happen if one or both of us chose to not be together any longer.  I felt a million miles away from him, and there were days when I felt I didn't even know him at all. But worst of all, I felt I was losing my best friend.

When it all came down to it...I closed my eyes and imagined myself  standing on a mountain top with the sky above me and ocean below. I imagined God standing there right beside me and he asked, "What do you need my child?"
"I need to know what the choice should be. Loving him is so frustrating and hard to do. What if I choose to love him, and he chooses not to love me back?"
To my surprise, God said, "You just love him like you promised to do on December 13, 2003, and I'll be sure to take care of the rest."
That was the day I made my first "CONSCIOUS"  choice.  I couldn't control the choice Daniel was going to make, but I could choose to keep my promise to him. To love him, and honor him, in spite of  what we were facing.

No one likes to feel rejected. I wanted very much to protect myself from that. I wanted not to be the one who laid it all on the line regardless of the outcome.  I prayed long and hard, and finally found the words to say to the man I knew I loved.  I remember standing in front of him that hot July day.  I looked into his eyes, and asked him if he still loved me.  His answer wasn't a long drawn out speech.  There was no profound show stopping answer. But he said exactly what I needed to hear.  "I will always love you."
Exactly one week later, we found out we were pregnant with Caleb. Funny how God works sometimes, huh?

Time and prayer has brought us closer since that day. Marrying young was hard, but it wasn't impossible.  I find new reasons to love him every single day. This was my choice...and I will never regret it. 

One of my favorite quotes
“I heard what you said. I’m not the silly romantic you think. I don’t want the heavens or the shooting stars. I don’t want gemstones or gold. I have those things already. I want…a steady hand. A kind soul. I want to fall asleep, and wake, knowing my heart is safe. I want to love, and be loved.”
Shana Abé

Sunday, September 11, 2011

We Will Never Forget...


Everyone knows where they were on this day 10 years ago. In a classroom, at work, at the doctor, in their car, or just at home watching TV.  We all know what this day did to us, how it changed our perspective of what it was to be a citizen of this country. Most of us had never seen an attack on American soil.  It was as if someone had walked into our homes while we slept and fired a gun right into our bedrooms. It was a rude wake up call.

This night, 10 years ago, I lay in my bed for the first time feeling as though our country was not in fact untouchable.  We were capable of infiltration, and those who gave no concern for human kind would do there best to bring our nation to its knees.  Until this very day, I had never looked at the pictures of this attack. It made it too real for me. I just couldn't bare it in my heart. 

Today, I attended a services at New Haven Baptist Church. The service was to remember those who gave their lives on this day, and to honor men and women of service. Firefighters, EMTs, Police officers, and all other Rescue workers... This morning, I watched my husband dress in his fancy firefighter uniform, with his badges and his black dress shoes.  I never really thought of him in that way, but today I realized that if given a situation like that of 9/11, I know 100% that he would risk his life to help others just as any other full time fire fighter would do. As would all of his other fire fighter brothers and sisters. My heart broke for those families who lost their loved ones on this day, and  every day after from this senseless attack. What honor and bravery those men and women possessed.  What courage their families possessed in going on after they were left behind.
So today I looked at 10 years worth of pictures of a tragedy, and wept for those whose lives were lost, and those husbands, wives, children, moms, and dads who were left behind to mourn them and go on without them. 

I understand that there is speculation about these attacks.  Some people believe that there was some sort of conspiracy in the attacks, and that we weren't given all of the information. I don't know about you, but all I really need to know is that our country was attacked.  We were threatened on our own soil. Lives were lost. Children slept a little less easy. Parents worried a little more when they left their homes the next day. We were shaken, but we did not crumble. And we will never forget. We won't forget those who died, and we won't forget those who continue to fight for our country to this very day. We lived the history that our children will learn about in their text books, and their children after them. I pray that God keep his hand on our country so it never happens again

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

I'm Not Who I Was



I was driving to work one morning, when a song came on the radio. The first few bars went like this. "I wish you could see me now. I wish I could show you how, I'm not who I was." It got my mind working, and I started to think of all the people in my life who've gone on to be with Jesus. For that moment, I longed to see them again, and show them who I've become. A wife. A mother. A "Contributing member of society". Then I started to think of all of the important people in my life who have gone.

My paternal Grandfather, whom I never met. "Officially" anyway, passed  away when my dad was only 19.  My mom tells me that when I was just a little girl, I told her that a very tall man played with me in my room sometimes, and would ask me how my daddy was. Everyone liked to think it was him, coming to check up on his only granddaughter. It's more likely that I with my HUGE imagination dreamed this tall man up all on my own, but it's a neat thought.

My great grandparents (all of them) who passed away when I was just a tiny tot.

My maternal Grandfather. Who lived in Ohio, and was ill for most of my life. He passed away when I was 12. However, I do remember that he thought it was very funny that I was the only of all of his grandchildren who could hold my own when eating spicy foods. (The spicier, the better) "MY Granddaughter ain't no sissy!" He proclaim proudly. Then he'd chuckle to himself as if to say, she did get one thing from me.

My maternal Grandmother, whom I was very close to. All of my cousins swear to this very day that I was her favorite. Probably because I was the most respectful of all of them, and I listened to every single story she had to tell attentively. Even if the story was told to me 100 times, I never got tired of listening.  That lady could have written a book with the stories she had under her belt.

My cousin, Corporal Rusty Lee Washam, of the United States Marines. Killed in active duty in Iraq. I am and will always be proud of the example he set in his life. He was honorable and brave. Our last real conversation was our high school graduation day. I picked him up and we road there together that day.  I remember feeling proud of him then too, when he told me he was joining the Marines. "I'm gonna make something of myself. I want my family to be proud of me."

My two babies, whom God allowed be to carry for a short time but never hold. I know some day  I will understand why it had to be this way.

And Lastly, My dad. Whom I believe met my daughter, even though she was born almost 1 year to the day after his passing. His death changed me not for the worse, but for the better, as I learned how to be graceful in defeat. And to lean into the strength of the saviour when all hope seems to be lost.

In that moment, I wept for them all and wanted to see them again to show them the person I had become. I wanted to tell them all how their presence or rather absence in my life had shaped who I am. And then it hit me, as much as I have changed....They have changed so much more. They are with Christ. They have new bodies that aren't sick or decayed or wounded from the fight. And the bars in that song took a new meaning for me. It wasn't me who was singing to them the words of that song. Instead, in my mind, I could see each and every one of them singing to me "I wish you could see me now. I wish I could show you how, I'm not who I was..." Thank you Lord...another lesson learned. Praise His name.


 I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.
Psalms 37:25

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Goldie Locks and The Three Kisses...


Since I was just a little girl, my head has always been in the clouds. A little like Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, I skipped around singing to myself, and dreaming of when my prince will come. I just knew that I would find somebody to love. 

The very first boy who ever kissed me, was 5 years older than I. I knew it wouldn't last, but I wanted so badly to know how it felt to love someone. As I stared into his chocolate brown eyes, standing by the pond that summer, I decided to pretend that I was wrong. The moment was too perfect to waste. As he leaned in close to me, I puckered my lips and closed my eyes. To my surprise, I found that a kiss is a lot less closed eyes and puckered lips, and a lot more slobber and nose. (Ewww) I was the ripe old age of 11. The next day, "my prince charming" let me down easy by explaining to me that we weren't dating, just friends....with benefits.
It took me 3 years to get over the devastation.  And I didn't kiss another boy until my sophomore year of high school.

I was a little bit more prepared the second time. For one thing, he was actually my age. Also, he actually liked me, and the first time he kissed me was on the cheek. He was good to me, good to my parents, and we had a lot in common. I will always think of him as my first love, and remember him fondly.  But the first time he kissed me was absolutely laughable. He took me to see the movie U571. (about a submarine. yep, that's all I remember.) Halfway through the movie, he leaned over to kiss me. I closed my eyes, puckered my lips, and waited. Again, I was surprised to find this kiss a lot less closed eyes and puckered lips, and a lot more eyes wide open (NO KIDDING) and TEETH. I went home with a fat lip, and lied to my mom, telling her I got elbowed in the face.
Although the first kiss was terrible, the relationship was comfortable. But in the end, the truth was that we were more friends than anything else. It was fun while it lasted, but it was never meant to last. And I'm good with that.

It was all over for me the day that Daniel walked into my life. Even at 16 years old, I knew God had sent him to me. And on my 17th birthday, at a high school ballgame, in the pouring down snow, he kissed me. I closed my eyes, and said a prayer THEN puckered up. To my surprise AGAIN there was no slobber or honking nose or beety eyes looking at me or teeth. There was, however a perfect kiss with fireworks. That very moment, I never looked back. I knew right then that I had the one, the only, the perfect fit. I was so glad that it had never worked out with anyone else. When I think about it, sometimes I like to think of myself as Goldie Locks who tried all the chairs and all the porage and all the beds until she found the right one. I finally found my perfect mate, the perfect kiss, the perfect life, and I settled down and lived happily ever after.

Daniel- You are my best friend. The one. The only. There's no one like you. Never has been, never will be. I am so blessed to have you in my life, and our children are the greatest thing we have ever accomplished.  I love you.